Thursday, February 22, 2007

I wonder what it's like...

to not care that much about how well you perform at your job. I have such a hard time when I screw up at work. I always have to beat myself up about it. I found out today I goofed an order last week. And all of the sudden, I find myself wonder just why I haven't been canned yet. No, I don't usually mess up all that often, but... It makes me feel worthless when I do. I just can't let it go as an average mistake. It's like I'm blaming myself as if it was done on purpose.

Now, I'm not a perfect employee. But I try hard. And it just never feels good enough. Because when things are doing okay I feel adequate, and when things are doing badly I feel next to worthless. I try, I really do. But somedays the smallest error really hits home. It might not be a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but to me the small things just stack up. I hate it. I guess that's because whenever I mess up I think "What else did I miss?" It calls everything else into question.

Is it bad that I always feel like I could've done a better job? Is it bad that I try to put in an extra 15-30mins in at the end of the day because I'm not sure if I was productive enough? Is it bad that I think I'm not usually an employee worth keeping?

I wish I knew. But to think all this is over $100 of extra product that's getting returned anyways...
-Cril

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

Evanescence - Lithium


What dark/emo lyrics...

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Faboi?

Tonight I just tried to play some Day of Defeat Source. It was a... Disappointing experience. First, I had to join a server. No big deal, right? Well, the first two tried I got into a fairly populated server. Except every single "player" were in spectator mode with a ping of 0. That drives me MAD. That is so annoying.

The next server I tried wanted me to download the bajillion sound files to help DoD sound like UT. Last I checked, it was kinda hard to get any farther away from the futuristic run-and-gun compared to the somewhat more realistic WWII infantry shooter. I'm sorry, if I want to hear "HEADSHOT!!! LOL!!!1!!" every time I get a frag, I'll go play friggin' UT. DoD is -not- UT. Annoying sounds doesn't make the game any better.

So the other alternatives? There were plenty of populated servers, but with custom maps or some kinda WoW mod. Jeez, I'm not sure what's worse, trying to fuse the game with WoW or UT. Ugh.

But I finally did find a server that had a handful of people playing. It was alright. Not a big crowd, the game wasn't too terribly exciting. But I was still surprised at how hard it was to find a decently populated vanilla game of DoD. Even then, the server I settled for had somekinda bonus point system.

Alas, I do understand all that is due in fault to the people running and adminning the server. I wish I could say I was still happy with Valve.

Things started off well enough. My peak of unwaivering love for Valve was probably a month or so after the release of DoD:S. I played and played that game. I was pretty good, usually in one of the top three spots for my team, if not the whole server. At first I was disappointed the classes had become so cookie-cutter. One of my favourite parts of the origional DoD was the Starcraft-esque balance between sides. They didn't have any exact copies of a class for each side. But that's alright. The game was gorgeous, the ability to deploy an MG anywhere was AWESOME, and it played great. For several months DoD:S was my favourite game.

And then it didn't go anywhere. And by that, I mean we got what... Two more maps? Three? I was waiting for maybe a ruturn to the original class structure. A British team. Maybe expand and add another nation (Italy or Russia perhaps?). And dod_charlie. Yes, it was my all time favourite map from the original. Imagine the true chaos of ragdolls being blows out of the trenches. Well, a guy can dream right?

None of those ever came. There were a handful of decent fixes and whatnot, but nothing that really made me able to say, "Boy, this game sure has gone far from where it started off!" Maybe it was never supposed to get too different. But nevertheless, I'm disappointed. The gameplay was (and still is) really good, but it just feels like it lacks the content. Sure, it was only $20, but for only being multiplayer... It could use some more.

Then there's 'Episodic Content'. The games won't be full length, but you won't have to wait nearly as long for them to be released! In and around six months! LOL. Okay, I didn't mind it with Aftermath. But having to wait a year and a half for the next installment? Does anyone else see the problem here? Valve was the big backer behind Episodic Content, but they've effectively shot themselves in the foot.

And then there's advertising. When I found out some people were putting ads into Counter-Strike, I was appauled. A Subway logo splashed across the outside of cs_office?! I don't think so! Surely Valve would intervene and bring an end to this aboination! And they did! And then they decided that everyone needed to be exposed to it! Now, I'm not a huge fan of ingame ads. Infact, I really don't mind them at all. In games like BF2142 or and of the recent Need for Speeds, the ads are put in spots where you'd expect them. Where they'd belong, had the games been an accurate interpretation of reality. (Yes, I know I'm saying that EA has done something right. Bear with me) But what does my dear Valve do? Well, they splatter it where ever they want it to go. No, heaven forbid they cover up some of the parody ads or posters the mappers originally put in. Nope, instead we get lovely ads on random walls. Hooray. I can't describe how incredibly disappointed I am at Valve for adding these ads in so tastefully.

And what do we get in return for having to put up with ads in a classic game? Uh, nothing. Let's bring EA back into the issue. Their games are still hella expensive, and they advertise everything they can possibly fit in. And their games are still priced more/less right on par with the other titles that don't have advertising. So you know what that leads me to believe? Either they're incredibly bad at rehashing the same game year after year that the consumer is actually getting a price cut for the advertising, or... They just keep the extra dough. Which seems more likely.

And keep in mind this will mean that CS, a game that hasn't been significantly updated since it was ported over to Steam a few years ago, will be significantly updated more recently then DoD:S. Anything to make a buck. How fitting.

Now don't get me wrong - There is *no* doubt in my mind when it comes to Half-Life content. I don't mind waiting as long as they maintain their incredibly high standards. The HL franchise is still my favourite video game. But it seems as of late my once unwaivering devotion to being a Valve Fanboy is crumbling away. Rather rapidly. Just a few small things that haven't had me too impressed with them recently. Yes, I have no doubt I will be blown away by Episode 2. Portal and Teamfortress also look incredible. But at the same time, I wish I could occupy the (rather long) wait with some new DoD content or classic Counter-Strike. Wishful thinking, right?
-Cril

Who's to say
What's impossible
Well they forgot
This world keeps spinning
And with each new day
I can feel a change in everything
And as the surface breaks reflections fade
But in some ways they remain the same
And as my mind begins to spread its wings
There's no stopping curiosity

Jack Johnson - Upside Down

Wednesday, February 14, 2007

Waiting by the Willow

I started off with the phrase "Waiting by the Willow". I didn't know where it came from, but I wanted to do something with it. So, seeing how I can draw (though somewhat poorly) that was the route I took. I was gunna write something to go with this. Except, y'know... I can't write all that well in the first place.



It seems appropriate to post it today, being the other most depressing day of the year and all. It's a bit lonely, a bit homesick, a bit heartbroken, a bit... I dunno what else. It was very theraputic. I used four references for the whole peice, I traced a bit and made some of it up on my own. Not half bad, it's some of my better stuff.

I'm surprised at how the water looks, actually. I kinda winged it on that one, and really got the effect I was aiming for. Same goes for the trees and grass. Since I've started exploring with the brush settings in photoshop, I've really seen some decent improvements in my stuff.

In other news, I (ironically) talked with an ex online today. Or friend. Or something. I got my heart broken all the same. I talked to her for a bit, and found she hasn't been in any kind of serious relationship. Makes me wonder what I saw in her that nobody else did. Maybe I saw things that wern't there in the first place. Either way, I learned my lesson. I've been 20 years single, and still going strong.

Happy Singles Depression Day everybody.
-Cril

I’ve been burned before
You’re not fooling me there’s no mystery you've forgotten what you’re hiding for
Call it self-defense
You can obfuscate and manipulate but it’s only at your own expense

Barenaked Ladies - Easy


Okay, yes. So sue me. I'm still on a bit of a high from the BNL concert. I went ahead and downloaded the Calgary bootleg...

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

The Place that Ryhmes with Fun!!

Wow. Like... Beyond words. The Barenaked Ladies, live, were amazing. Such a stellar performance, due to a great selection of songs and hilarious banter inbetween sets. Freakin' awesome. They played way longer than I expected, and the $70 was worth every cent for admission. It kinda sucked being seated off to the side, but it wasn't that bad. Highlights?
-Their dance and mock fight during "Angry People". I think of that every time I listen to the song. Braking the bottle on Ed's head.
-Singing along with Brian Wilson. Better than I imagined.
-Singing along with If I Had a Million Dollars. Also awesome.
-Hearing the strings on Lovers in a Dangerious Time. Phenominal.
-Opening the set with One Week. Freakin' awesome way to start the show.
-The funny vid just before BNL started playing.
-...And everything else. A wish I could do it again.

I'm gunna see about downloading the official bootleg for the Calgary show when it comes available. I'd like to download the video, but they don't offer that... Maybe I'll get a shirt or something instead. The lineup was too freakin' insane after the concert.

Now, the question is... Do I watch Heroes before bed...?
-Cril

PS- I dunno where exaclty Blogger imports attachments, so the small pic is a preview of something to come...



If I had a good reason
I would share it with you
Then the coldest season came
Making room for something new

Good for you
Good for me
Call it serendipity

Barenaked Ladies - Serendipity

Monday, February 05, 2007

Two posts in ONE!!

Okay, so I know I missed a week. I almost missed this week while I was at it, so relax.

Not much has been going on per se. Looks like I may just be staying in Calgary a bit longer than I had planned. I was thinking heading back late July. That'd give me lots of time to settle in and prep for going to back to school. This isn't concrete yet. It's looking like it'll go down that way, but things at work still have to shape up. Some kinda 'incentive' to stay and work would help things along. We'll see how things go along.

Regardless, I need to register for classes this fall. Ugh, how very daunting. I'm pretty sure graphic arts is where I wanna go, but I think I'll start with a term of more general studies. I think I'd be interested in a history course perhaps. Oh well, I need to go for at least one term so I can use those bursaries I've gotten. I'm still finding this intimidating though.

Oh, and if I am staying, I need to request some tax forms. That's another thing that scares me.

I bought my first cellphone this Saturday. I ordered it from Futureshop, a refurb LG 6190. I was gunna go for a cheaper model, but I think an extra $10 for a camera will come in handy. Why get a phone now? Well, for a few reasons. First, it's about time. Second, I've been fairly paranoid recently, what with the ugly weather and driving conditions combined with driving my uncle's old CRX. Don't get me wrong - I love the car, but it's been braking down recently (The seat busted, alternator replaced, and now the clutch is on the fritz). And last... I figured it was a pretty good deal. The fact that I get a free $50 worth of minutes, makes the $60 phone cost me only $10. If you follow my odd logic, that is.

Oh, and I bought sheets. That was an affair in and of itself. Basically, I made a mistake and got some a $60 set instead of a $25 one, and am too stubborn to return it. Dumb, I know. I try and justify it by thinking "Oh, they'll just last me a while". Heh, I sure hope...

Now, for a series of short, unrelated thoughts:

I've gone through seven (soon to be eight) rolls of lifesavers over the past week. Ugh.

There's a expansion pack for BF2142 in the works. If it's cheap (~$10) I think I'll get it. I've been enjoying the game thusfar.

I haven't touched Company of Heroes in two or three weeks. And I haven't finished it. I think I'm losing my passion for video games.

I'm also contemplating getting a Wii. No, I can't justify it after purchasing my $1500 gaming rig a year ago. Wii Sports still looks fun though. Even if I don't have a screen to hook the console up to...

I went rock climbing on Saturday and skating on Sunday. I'm unusually sore.

There wasn't any Heores OR Battlestar this week. I'm not thrilled. I blame the superbowl.

I don't think I'm gunna watch Scrubs or Lost anymore. I just don't care for them.

I need to draw. I started something on the weekend and didn't get any further than finding my references for it.

And finally... BARENAKED LADIES ON THURSDAY. w000000000000t! I think I want to get them to sign my iPod. That'd be hella sweet. I'm stocked either way.
-Cril

This thing
Called love
I just
Can't handle it
This thing
Called love
I must
Get round to it
But I ain't ready
For this crazy little thing called love
This called love

Josh Kelley - This Crazy Little Thing Called Love


This song ROCKS.