End of Semester I (Pt 1 - State of the Union)

Wow. Where to start?

With the basics, I suppose. Yes, I am done my first semester of school. It's been long and tedious and interesting and intriguing and painful and exhausting. I have a lot of things swirling around the toilet-bowl that is my mind, and I feel like if I don't snag them they'll spin down into the darkness and disappear forever. There's so much I want to write down. About school, about money, about people and interaction. But I certainly can't do it all in one sitting, and I certainly can't do it all within the next two hours before bed. So here I go, I'm going to spill out onto the (digital) page, and I'll hope that a fraction of it remains coherent. Be forewarned, this is probably going to degrade into some semi-emo ramblings.

For the past thirteen consecutive weeks I:

• Have worked 70-80 hours a week, every week
  
• Haven't played a video game
• Haven't watched an entire episode of TV or a movie
• Haven't done any recreational reading
• Haven't played either of my instruments, written anything more than 170 words (that wasn't an MLA-style essay), gone on a late-night walk, or pulled out my camera from its case.

Fun facts, eh? I'm sitting here, and... I don't know what to make of those, to be honest. When I started school I didn't expect I'd be leaving so much of it at the door. But I did. In one way, I guess I'm kinda satisfied with myself. I went cold-turkey on the things that were an important, consistent part of my life. I discovered I can put two week's worth of work into one, and then do it again twelve more times in a row. I learned that sleeping issues are a secret blessing - they provide you with precious late-night hours with which to get stuff done. I learned that when I felt tired I didn't need to rest, when I was hungry I didn't need to stop to eat, and when I was done I could keep going.

Impressive? Maybe. Unhealthy? Most likely.

I am not the person I was three months ago. If you would have asked me then what things I do that define who I am, I would've mentioned those things in the list above. Games give me intellectual stimulation, writing provides an outlet to organize my thoughts, playing instruments, drawing and photography were a way to express myself, and listening to music is how I calm and speak to my soul.

What really disturbed me was about mid-October when music stopped having any effect. My precious cornerstone stopped bearing the kind of weight I needed it for. Those were a couple of really hard, difficult weeks. Eventually it'd come and go in spurts, and I just had to make-do without it. It was an odd sensation - imagine you get this gorgeous, fresh pineapple. You cut off a piece, anticipating that overwhelming flavour... And when you put it in your mouth, it has all the taste of a weathered piece of wood. To me, it was honestly that jarring the morning I woke up and realized all I was getting from my headphones was sound. It's like the colour just drained from the world, right before my eyes.

I guess when you're relying on something so heavily, it's all that more of a shock when it evaporates in front of you. But I survived, right? There are some things that I let go of back in September, and I don't feel overly inclined to retrieve again. TV, movies, games... I don't feel like I desperately need them back in my life. It bothers me, a lot, that I've given up games. It used to be so intertwined with my day-to-day life, and I really enjoyed it. But here? Now? I don't think I need them. Maybe I just want them back for the sake that they remind me of another period in my life. Yeah, looking at the news online makes me miss these things. The Team Fortress updates make me remember how much I loved the game, and all the car news ignites a passion to sit down and watch as much Top Gear as I can handle.

But I think that those urges will soon recede too. Most of the browsing I've done has been to fuel a podcast I was doing for class. And now that that's over, I can see ye fine Intertubes as one more thing I'll leave by the wayside.

I really regret, however, how I don't play my sax/ocarina anymore. It bothers me how I've left that skill set to deteriorate at the side of the road. Hopefully I can make an effort to revive it once more over the break.



It's interesting. As the semester came to a close and started to slow down, the first allowance I made myself was to start drawing on the computer again. And now, writing this post. I naturally gravitated towards these two, beyond any sort of coherent reasoning. I'm now staring down the start of three weeks devoid of any school and/or homework. I think I'll be spending my time drawing and working and writing. Work to get money, draw to get better, write to de-clutter my stream of consciousness.

I miss those things that used to be so cherished, but at the same time... I'm afraid to slow down. I'm afraid I'll rediscover those things I missed, and breaking away from them again in a few weeks will be that much harder. /Yoda voice "Much conflict and unrest in you, I sense. "

I'm not really excited to be done, and I think the winter semester will hang over me during the break. I need to keep my head down and concentrate and be productive. I'm glad I have the opportunity to draw and write, and I can't really ask for much more. It was funny, I can recall the absolute euphoria that washed over me that first time I drew on the tablet again. It amazed me at how something so insignificant immediately cranked my mind up to eleven.

I wish I could be optimistic and say that next semester will be better, that I'll find a way to make things easier. But I'll have colder and earlier mornings, the equivalent of nine three-hour classes crammed into a week, and a desperate need to log as many hours as I can in at work lest my finances rise up and smite me.

But I can do it. What's three more months?

This is me, this is where I am. I work, I go to school, I draw, and (for the next three weeks) I write. That's about all there is to it, folks.
-Cril

Work it harder make it stronger
Do it faster makes us stronger
More than ever hour - our work is never over

Work it harder
Do it faster
More than ever
More than ever hour
Our work is never over

Work it harder
Make it better
Do it faster
Makes us stronger

More than ever
Hour after
Our work is never over

Daft Punk - Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger

Stay tuned in the coming days/weeks as I continue in my attempt to articulate my perceptions of the social, monetary and academic varieties.

Why so serious?

HA HA HA HA HA!

ahhh...

HAHAHAHAHAHA!
-Cril

Moby - Shot in the Back of the Head

Two Weeks

Two weeks to go until I've completed the fall semester. "Two weeks? That's it?" Har, har, har. I have a test, three final projects, an exam and an essay that are all due within the next nine days. Almost there, right? Yeah, right.

In other news... There is no other news, really. School and work. Work and school.

I'm having a hard time concentrating on things. But I gotta keep my head down, focus and work hard. I can't let myself get distracted.

Tomorrow... Is Monday. I have three of those left, and then I am 100% done with school for three weeks. I'll need to take that time to work my ass off and improve my drawing. But one thing at a time - focus, focus, focus. I need to go study.
-Cril

Bridges burning gladly
Merging with the shadows
Flickering between the lines
Stolen moments floating softly on the air
Borne on wings of fire and climbing higher

Pink Floyd - Burning Bridges

A Non-Lull

Well, the history paper is handed in and the VSCM project turned out better than anticipated. The crit for my drawing assignment, however, went about as bad as I expected. I wonder what kind of mark I'll manage.

I had a bit of a quiet(ish) week, homework-wise. It's a bit of an odd, calm-before-the-storm type of lull. Quite discomforting. Earlier this evening I had completed all the assignments due this week, and I found myself with nothing pressing to do. So I did some laundry and spent couple hours finishing up my study guide for the history exam in a few weeks. Made lunch for tomorrow, organized the binder. And now I'm here.
...
I think I'll go start on my final humanities paper. It's not due until the end of the month, but I'm sure I'll need all the time I can get once things pick up.
-Cril

Who are we?
Where are we?
When are we?
Why are we?
Who are we?
Where are we?
Why, why, why?

Muse - Exogenesis: Symphony, Pt. 1: Overture

It's not as real if you don't look in their eyes

What a hellish week. I spent so much time to got three projects done, and in the end none of them are that great. I'm pretty sure I just wrote my most terrible, disjointed paper yet. My drawing (still) sucks, and I'm not that confident about my VSCM project. I can't believe I even skipped work for this. Such is life, I suppose. Will the rest of the semester be any better? I doubt it. The final drawing project is quite a bit above my level, and there's no-doubt a lot of work for VSCM. As always. Then there's still a final exam in history and a paper for humanities. Woo.

...

I don't even know what to write about that isn't school related. I must be a really exciting guy.
-Cril

Stick around I got a hunch
We'll bomb this town and stop for lunch
And never, never mind those awful cries
You know it's not as real if you don't look in their eyes

Don't look in their eyes
Don't look in their eyes
Oh no
Oh no no

So we're here
Sound the alarms
Throw up your arms
We brought the entire army and we're starving
So don't try
Anything smart
There's plenty of ammunition and we've got our guards

Don't look in their eyes
Don't look in their eyes
Oh no
Don't look in their eyes
Don't look in their eyes
Oh no

Stabilo - Don't Look in Their Eyes

I belong to the hurricane

Why yes, of course things can get much worse. How naive and utterly stupid of me to have considered otherwise.
-Cril

Moby - Sweet Apocalypse

Everybody wants, everybody says

So I got home from school today and learned from a note that, apparently, my roomates are gone for the weekend. Woohoo! This means I'll get to be wild and, ah, erm... Write my blog post on a Friday night instead of Sunday? Then I get to work, do homework, do more homework and then study. In that order. "Weekend" is becoming an increasingly obligatory word for something with little meaning.

It's midterm time, and grades have started to trickle in. Looks like I'm doing alright, for the most part. I still feel like I'm struggling to keep up and effectively process a lot of what I'm learning, which leads me to believe one of two things: either I'm getting really lucky with my assignments/submissions, or the professors mark retardedly easy. Probably a bit of both.

Anyways, I'm going to further make this a wild weekend by going to bed early so that I get a good start at work tomorrow. So until next weekend (whatever that means)...
-Cril

So drink me in
Like tainted wine
Come bite down on my sharpened cup
And taste the dreams that numb the mind
A simple word
A harmless glare
That binds me with the thinnest thread
And pins me down to pleasures bed
Everybody wants
Everybody says
Everybody begs in time

And you will be the first to fall
Every feeling will dissolve
We are silver
Morphine baby's final breath
Ever smothered to my chest
We are silver

Moist - Silver

Somewhere cold and caked in snow

Ack, I missed a week. Busy doing, what else, homework. I'd actually be all caught up as of right now... If I didn't have a mega research paper to write. I spent most of today trying to dig up sources and material, but it's slow going.

...

I don't think I have anything else to say.
-Cril

And when the worrying starts to hurt
And the world feels like graves of dirt
Just close your eyes until
You can imagine this place, yeah, our secret space at will

Shut your eyes
Shut your eyes
Shut your eyes
Shut your eyes

Shut your eyes and sing to me

Snow Patrol - Shut Your Eyes

Filler II

#5) If you were to die tomorrow, what one activity would you do?
S: "sky diving"
A: "free falling from an airplane... without a parachute...casue i'm gonna die anyways"
J: "i think i'd go to australia becuz i really love it there and i would go shopping with my friends down there"
S: "I dunno"
S: "lol, i'd prolly do stupid things like sky-diving, and bunjie jumping... if i hadda choose just one thing, i'd say sky-diving"
I: "I'd rather have wild sex with a supermodel for the entire day before my death. If you want a truly honest answer. But if not that, kick Chretien in the face."
T: "Skydiving possibly."
K: "hmm... have sex"
R: "hmm, i cant tell u but it would involve joelle (wink wink)"
R: "To get laid"
E: "I would gain access to the equipment and information necessary to kill the top 100 people in the world responsible for internet spam"
J: "Sky dive without a parachute"
P: "mind you, the rape involves someone who is willing - I just wouldn't ask"**
N: "parasailing or sky diving"
T: "if I knew I would die tomorow....probably go jump out of an airplane"

** This is the most disturbing answer I've ever gotten. What's even scarier is that knowing who it is, it doesn't surprise me too much.

Anyways, another weekend of nothing but work and homework. Back to the grind tomorrow. Or rather, just continuing it.
-Cril

Perotin - Viderunt Omnes

Dog Days Are Over

I couldn't sleep the other night, so I ran some numbers. Each week I spend 24hrs in class, 16hrs at work, and 35hrs doing homework. I low balled that last figure, I think it's closer to 40-45hrs. Either way, I'm doing just shy of 80hrs of work a week. That's two work weeks for the price of one, folks.

On a semi-related note, I'm super depressed that I missed Autumn. My favourite season, and it lasts all of three weeks. Trees are already on the barren side of life and there's that chill of winter in the air. I never went for a walk, never took out the camera. HOORAY FOR PRIORITIES AND SELF DISCIPLINE!

Anyways, I've wasted enough time here and need to get back to studying.
-Cril

Happiness, it hurt like a train on a track
Coming towards her, stuck still no turning back
She hid around corners and she hid under beds
She killed it with kisses and from it she fled
With every bubble she sank with a drink
and washed it away down the kitchen sink

The dog days are over
The dog days are done
The horses are coming so you better run

Florence & The Machine - Dog Days

(This is from the album Lungs, which is nothing short of truly fantastic)

Filler

#4) What is your ultamite goal in life?
C: "to take over the world"
S: "but my goal... well, not really a goal... i just dun wanna die alone... i wanna be married and stuff"
E: "to be the driving influence behind our entire civilization"
L: "i dunno"
S: "I dunno"
T: "Seriously, I don't know."
R: "probly to be famous world wide"
J: "i guess my ultamite goal in life is to marry a guy that i really love and have some lovely children"
A: "I can not answer that at this time."
A: "its to retire early...with lots of pension"
K: "i'd have to say, to be truely happy. I don't care what i'm doing, just to be happy with whatever it is"
I: "To live a happy life. Meh. I just don't want to die angry. I wanna succeed in my goals and die happy."
S: "to pick up my new paintball gun before sunday..."
S: "be successful while earning money"
R: "To get laid?"
J: "To witness hundreds of people cheering and overjoyed because their souls are secured in heaven"
P: "owning my own successful business that involved me programming"
N: "to get married, have kids, be successful in wutever i decide to do"
T: "to find lasting happiness that doesn't come in a prescription bottle"

Oh boy. Gravity sure is heavy tonight.
-Cril

Moby - Shot in the Back of the Head

Weekend? What weekend?

Fun fact: I've spent 20 some-odd hours on homework this past week. I think I'm doing pretty well at getting work done. I spend half an hour checking email once I get home, do homework, twenty minutes for supper, more homework, go to bed. Every night.

The scary part is that those 20 some-odd hours have all been for one assignment. I still have three others on the go, and I'm starting another class tomorrow. People tell me that I'm stressed, and I need to take more time for myself. I hate to break it to you, but there isn't any other time left. If these kinds of assignments are the norm and/or I get two of them at once, I'll have to quit my job. Period. It's not a poor time management thing, it isn't overestimation, it isn't being pessimistic. It's just the fact that there are only 24hrs in our planet's rotation.

Ok, fine. Maybe I should just relax - it'll be alright if I hand in the odd assignment a day later than it's due. Oh wait, if it's 30 minutes late I fail the assignment. Maybe if I know I'll have a slow class, I could spend a day at home to catch up. Oh wait, if I miss any two days I'll fail the course.

Am I stressed? Yes. It's not because I can't cope with so little personal time or that the work itself is intimidating. It's because there simply aren't enough hours in the day for me to work part time, sleep, and do school. Chances are classes are starting off heavy to intentionally intimidate new students. But if this last week of school is anything to go by for the rest of the semester, one of those above three things is going to have to give.

Anyways. I don't have any art to post because I haven't had an opportunity to do some sketching. When I get the chance I may fill the gap by uploading pics of the assignment I've been working on, but in the mean time consider Sketch-a-Day to be dead, dead, dead. And just some heads-up: my posts from here on out are going to be rather sparse.

Batman: Arkham Asylum gets released on PC this week.
Damn.
-Cril

A.R. Rahman - Mausam & Escape

Monday Monday

Alriiiight! I've survived the first week of classes. Half week. Where the classes were nothing but standard introductory stuff. Yeah, so basically I ain't seen nothin' yet. Which is too bad, because I almost feel confident about this whole fiasco. I guess I better hold off on making some sort of sitrep for another two weeks until I have a full, proper week under my belt.

But here are some of my notes so far:

-The building is terrible. The layout is bizarre and the design is barren and unwelcoming. And it has HORRIBLE acoustics - rooms upon rooms made of brick and concrete that reveberate sound so that it's near impossible to make out what you're instructor is saying, even though he's 10ft away.

-The 'S' in SAIT stands for 'SCUMBAGS'. They run the campus parking lots, and are charging EIGHT FREAKIN' DOLLARS A DAY. They say it's to "encourage students to use public transit." Retards. That isn't encouraging public transit, it's just discouraging motorists. Ah, the good ol' "screw the student over at every opportunity" is strong with this one.

-Art History looks to be wildly intruiging. It's too bad I'm not just auditing the course - I get the feeling that it'll be brutal academically.

-Holy crap, I'm definitely at an art school. Piercings, tattoos, multicoloured hair, and more tattoos. None of which look particularly flattering, but that's just me.

-The Beach Boy's 'Surf City' has the lyric "Two girls for every boy". This ain't no sunny resort and that ratio is a bit closer to 2.3. I heard a prof mention that it was around a 70/30 split for female vs male students. I guess those stereotypes about art school are true.

-I've bought roughly $400 worth of school supplies for all of one and-a-half classes. This may get rather expensive rather quickly.

-The professors I've met so far seem pretty intellegent, engaging, and good at what they do (both as a teacher and as a professional in their field). My Media & Digital Technologies prof seems a bit dry, but that's based on one half-class.

And that pretty much sums up Week #1.



Oh, fun fact: Today is my first anniversary of changing residences. I celebrated by waking up and getting out the door by 8AM, working on a statutory holiday, picking up school supplies and then chugging away at homework for a few hours. I'm such a party animal. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to get ready for class tomorrow and figure out what to do about parking.
-Cril

Monday Monday
Can't trust that day
Monday Monday, sometimes it just turns out that way
Oh Monday morning, you gave me no warning of what was to be
Oh Monday Monday, how yould cou leave and not take me

The Mamas & the Papas - Monday Monday

"What I did on my summer vacation..."

Wow, the last week of August arrives and the leaves start to change colour and there's that distinct chill of winter lingering in the air. Ah, fall. You're like the sweet parting kiss from summer before winter's long embrace. I love it.

It's a shame that I'll be too far consumed by education to really enjoy it, though. Especially now that I can photogrophy (pronounced foh-tog-rof-I) I wish I could spend more free time outdoors. BUT, because looking forward rather freaks me out at the moment, I think I'll do some looking back.

I typically stagnate as a person during the summer. It's such a great time to... Do nothing. Take it easy, and do all those well-traveled activities that provide simple enjoyment. I can't recall how many summers I've spent doing absolutely nothing of value. Maybe I'd work part time during the morning, then get home and camp out in the basement in front of the N64 or computer. Good times.

This summer, though, I wanted to do something. So back in June(ish), I decided I wanted to do two things - learn how to map for the Source Engine, and learn photography. And, actually, I managed to do both of them.

I can't recall which one I started first, but it seems like I spent an eternity waiting for the camera to arrive, so I guess I must've lead of with map making to kill time. Let's see, is there even anything to recap here? I developed a basic knowledge of the interface, thanks in large part to how much effort Valve has put into documenting it. Between that and a handful of community YouTube tutorials, I managed to put together a playable Beta of a small environment. I actually modeled it after the office where I work, which helped me a lot with direction. There ain't no creativity here folks - I even got some floorplans from work which I used to layout the level.

If I had to throw out an estimate... I probably put something like ~20 hours of work into it. Not bad, I think, considering that I went into it not knowing a thing. At the same time, though, it's obvious that it's my first try. There are breakable doors that open to outside the map, floating entities, poor navigation, blinding light sources, messed up navigation, and, oh yeah, that "Map is Unplayable" message every time you start it up. You can still press 'ok' and play anyways, but apparently it's broken.

I don't know if I'll go back to it at all. Parts of it were downright frustrating, and as intuitive as the interface is, once things get going it becomes very complicated very quickly. I can't even imagine how the mappers at Valve can manage all of that. I'm sure if I were to stick it out I could fix my map and become even more familiar with the process, but... I don't think it's for me. Don't get me wrong, I REALLY enjoyed the process of learning something new and forming a virtual environment from scratch. But at the end of the day... I don't think it's my thing. Perhaps if I develop a good reason to make another map I'll give it another try some day. But the fact is that I of have alltwo people to share a it with. That's not even enough for a game of Left 4 Dead. It's just a whole lot of effort to spend when so few other people will enjoy it. The kicker is that you need those people to enjoy it yourself. Without anyone to share it with the final payoff is a very hallow one.

So, yes, I can map. Not very well at all, but I can do it. It's something that I've wanted to learn for a long time, and I've done just that. It's gratifying in that sense, to know that you've put in the effort towards something you've always kind of wanted to try.

And, photogrophying. I got a camera from El Frank early this summer. It's his old Canon PowerShot S300 - a seven year-old unit, complete with faded finish and cracks. I wish I could tell some sort of story about how hard it wfigured out the buttons for exposure, white-balance, and focus mode, and learned to use AutoStitch. That's about all there is to it, and I'm not really that great. But in this case, it's something I kind of enjoy. So I pack around the camera everywhere I go and snap the odd picture. And the results are unremarkable. Medeocre at best. But it isn't something I do for other people, and so I'm alright with that.

So there you have it - I accomplished both the "I want to learn..." goals I had for the summer. I'm by all accounts terrible at both, but task completed and achievement unlocked - I accomplished what I set out to do. I really can't say where things go from here.

What else did I do with my summer... I re-read the Book of Mormon again. Got through it in two-and-a-half months. It was a bit of a haul - two chapters (at least) every night plus whatever I could get in over the weekends. It was a satisfying read, in more ways than one.

Oh, and I watched all of The Wonder Years. I actually gave up on Joan of Arcadia, after I got sick of the teen angst and drama of the show. So I downloaded the first to seasons of TWY... And loved it. Yes, technically, I guess it could be considered a teen drama/angst show. But this one was just so much... Better. The storytelling was fantastic! The plots were original and quirky, it wasn't nearly predictable, and some episodes really made you think. It's so much more satisfying on every level. And despite its age, it's held up really well. It's a twenty year-old show made about a time period twenty years before that, but it's truly timeless. It was all just as releveant. Fanstic show, I'm so glad I watched it.

For the record, I saw all six seasons (a total of 115 22-minute episodes) over the course of five-and-a-half weeks. Not bad. Doesn't quite hold up to when I watched The 4400, though. I got through all 44 episodes (42 mins a piece, with a few double-length) in two weeks. That was brutal. But when it's a good show, you don't really mind.

I think... That pretty much covers everything I wanted to make note of. School starts with orientation on Tuesday. I may be getting a car on Monday, but with registration and insurance to sort out, I'll most likely be taking the bus the following morning. And thus will begin the next four-year-haul of being a student. I can hardly wait.
-Cril

Booker T and the MG's - Summertime

Cookie monster ain't got nothin' on me.

Fun fact: I am currently employed at a place where the staff is comprised of three married couples, and me.



-Cril

One of these things is not like the others
One of these things just doesn't belong
Can you tell which thing is not like the others
By the time I finish my song?

Sesame Street - One of These Things (Is Not Like The Others)

Inside-out, upside-down

I watched Unbreakable last night. Good movie, I liked it. Very interesting cinematography, and the storytelling was great. Very atmospheric, it really had me hooked. I almost wish there was a sequel.

I played through Mirror's Edge again, this time with PhysX enabled. It's truly something to behold when you're playing. The smoke was alright, but the fabric was amazing.



The BMW didn't pan out. For whatever reason, they don't want to sell it to me, and won't take my calls or respond to emails. It's a shame, I kinda had my heart set on it. Not that it matters any more, back to the grind stone.

I'm not sure that I'll even be able to get a car now. I've put it off too long, and now I'm down to the last week before school. Maybe if I were to find something quick, I could get it insured and registered before next Tuesday. That might be stretching it though.



It's so scary that the end of summer is already waiting on the doorstep. I'm rather anxious about starting school, and not in a good way. My concentration is horrible, and I don't know how to enjoy my spare time. At least there's only one week left.
-Cril

No response on any level
Red-alert - this vessel's under siege
Total overload all systems down they've got control
There's no way out
We are surrounded
Give in, give in and relish every minute of it

Imogen Heap - The Walk

Broke, busted, disgusted

So, I registered for classes on Monday. It went well - I got all my fist picks. School will be brutal, though. I have class from 9AM-5PM (with an hour break) Monday, Tuesday, Thursday. On Wednesday I'll only have class in the morning, and on Friday in the afternoon. The fun part? Once a month I'll have a 6:30-10:00PM class on Thursday. That means I'll be spending a full twelve hours at the campus. Oh joy. I think I'm taking the equivalent of eight 3hr classes. And then I get to work Wednesday afternoon, Friday mornings, and Saturdays.

... I wish I could say I was looking forward to school, but at this point it's more overwhelming dread and anxiety than anything else.

On a semi-related note, I'm debating whether or not to get a car for being in school. Let's see, cons:

• Maintenance will take additional time and money
  
• INSURANCE. Because, you know, I'm younger than 25 so I'm automatically a hazard to everyone else on the road.
• High fuel costs (but it shouldn't be too bad if I'm primarily commuting to/from work and school)
• ...similarly, will I use it enough to justify the expense?
• Paying for parking, like any other school, will be a ripoff.
• I'll have an unlimited-use transit pass, a mandatory purchase. How can I not use it?
  

And some pros:

• -30c (-22f) degree weather and snow during the winter. I sure don't want to trudge through a foot of snow and then wait outside for a bus.
  
• I'm going to have lots of books/supplies that I'll need to ferry to-and-from each class, which will be a hassle to do on a crowded bus.
• Those 12hr days are going to be absolutely brutal, and I'd like to be able to go straight home afterward and not spend an hour in public transit.
• I MISS DRIVING. For how fun it is and that pointless little feeling of freedom and independence.

I did some calculations a month or so ago with my friend, and we factored in insurance, gas, and maintenance. I can't recall the exact figure, but I think I was looking at (roughly) $200 a month. It's a decent chunk-o-change. The 20-something male in me craves it. The money-grubber in me wants to go without. It's truly pathetic how often I've bounced between doing it and not. It depends on my mood, I guess... I just can't reach a firm, confident decision. I was the first person in my family to get my license, and here I am bumming rides and buying bulk bus fares. And I enjoy driving so much. But I also have this unhealthy obsession with holding onto every precious dollar, in the hopes that I won't be totally financially ruined four years from now. The fun thing, or the smart thing. The safe thing, or the stupid thing. Do I satisfy the left or right hemisphere of my brain?

One thing's for sure, though, I've decided to sell my old car. It makes me feel horrible - I get so attached to the cars I buy, it's such a big decision and a hurdle for me to make. And then I use it, and discard it. Why sell the old car? Aside from the hassle of insuring and repairing and wading through the paperwork to bring it into the province... Gah, it makes me feel so incredibly shallow for saying this, but... I want something more exciting. More than 110HP? A 0-60 time below 10 seconds? RWD, even? I can't help it. I've become so hypnotized by the vast world of automobiles over the last year or two that my dear lil' Civic ain't quite enough. Not that I intend to street race it or peel out at the lights (although going to the odd track day could be fun), but I just want the satisfaction of driving a car that's a bit more than an econobox.



Right now, if I decide to get a car, there's a '92 Nissan 240SX, '93 VW Corrado and '94 BMW 325IS in the running. They're all fairly used cars, as I'm aiming to spend somewhere around the $4000 marker. I'm leaning towards the Corrado for sheer aestetics, but the BMW may be a more wise decision.

Sigh, this is exactly the kind of dilemma I could do without on my run-up to school. The rest of summer is going to be horrible.
-Cril

Broke, busted, disgusted, agents can't be trusted,
And Mitchy wants to go to the sea
Cass can't make it; she says we'll have to fake it -
We knew she'd come eventually
Greasin' on American Express cards
Tents low rent, but keeping out the heat's hard
Duffy's good vibrations and our imaginations
Can't go on indefinitely
And California dreamin' is becomin' a reality...

Mamas & the Papas - Creeque Alley

Word at War (a review of sorts)

So, this last week Steam had a sale for Call of Duty 5 - World at War. It was on for $25 down from $50. Usually a year-old game retails for $40, sometimes as low as $30, but this would not stand at all. Now, those greedy slimeballs at Activision retailed the latest installment of the CoD franchise at $60. Hence the not-so-low price, considering how old the game is. But I digress. I've played all the other CoD games (except for #3, which didn't come to PC), and the reviews looksed positive, so I jumped on it. All 6GB downloaded in less than three hours. Steam ROCKS.

Considering how AWESOME Call of Duty 4 was, and that I had quite enjoyed installments 1 and 2, you'd figure I'd jump on CoD5 in a heartbeat. But instead I didn't. You see, this is one of those 'milk the cash-cow franchise' sequels that Activision seems so fond of. Instead of leaving the franchise to Infinity Ward, who started it, they're shopping out every other sequel to Treyarch, so that there can be a new release every year. Call of Duty 3, Treyarch's first time at bat, wasn't too special. To be honest, it haven't tried it as it only saw console releases. But the reviews were lukewarm, and the general consensus is that it didn't live up to IW's standard. So the price for 5 is (temporarily) low, the reviews seem slightly more positive... So why not?

The very first thing that struck me... Is that this game was made to be a blockbuster. The feel and presentation just scream it. "Hey, look at me! I'm being made for a holiday release, to bridge the market gap inbetween a INCREDIBLE GAME (CoD4) and its sequel! I am so awesome and cool!" It just... Doesn't work. It's trying to hard - it isn't a creation for the sake of making something new or unique, it's sole purpose is to bridge a gap in the market and pickup sales.

The first and foremost aspect that hammered this home was the mission briefings. They're presented in this slick techo-esque manner, like some of those neat typography videos you see on YouTube. Lots of moving elements, and a continually panning camera.

And next, there was the music. Gah. This stuck out like a sore thumb - lots of that generic heavy metal/rock guitar and drums crap. You know, that head-banging stuff that has absolutely no emotion or intelligent composition. It just screams "OH YEAH, THIS IS SOOO COOL!"

Did I mention that Call of Duty 5 - World at War is set in World War 2? Neither of these things feel right at all. Yes, they're appealing to your average 18 year-old gamer, who thinks that Halo is the most fantastic game evar. They take solemn and dramatic events in history and turn it into a popcorn flick. It's feels like they took something like The Dark Knight or Battlestar Galactica and watered it down into a chick flick. Include shallow writing, stereotypical and overused characters, and paper-thin story... This game is entirely devoid of purpose.

When you held the bridge during Operation Pegasus or stormed the shattered remains of the Reichstag or made the landing at Stalingrad in Call of Duty 1, it was truly emotional stuff. Fighting along side your comrades against brutal odds, the thick orchestral score swells so that it's louder than anything else in the game... It was so moving. And World at War... Is not. At all. I had a really difficult time getting into it. More than once I just wanted to get the game over with so that I could say I got my $25 out of it. This game, to me, has zero artistic merit. Maybe it's as simple as I'm just not their targeted demographic, but... This was some completely unsatisfying. It was such a letdown. Perhaps WWII is such a close and personal topic that I can't stand to see it not taken seriously, with some form of artistic integrity or honest purpose.

Thematic issues aside, the motion capture was used too sparingly, as you seldom saw any characters do anything aside from the standard movement and shooting animations. The AI wasn't too fantastic either - on several occasions there was a US and Japanese solider literally standing two feet apart and firing on other troops. Their behaviours really felt shallow. Like playing with a bunch of bots. Oh, and this one also suffered from leave-it-to-the-player-to-progress-the-battle syndrome, like past Call of Duties. If you don't cross that invisible line, no one else moves up and soldiers just keep spawning. And the map/level design was VERY linear. Yes, all the CoD games have been, but this one obviously so.

It was interesting, however, that Treyarch ended the game with the Soviet storming of the Reichstag for the game's finale. Why is that interesting? Because the exact same thing was done by Infinity Ward for Call of Duty 1. Mind you, this time around it was substantially more visually impressive. But what else do you expect, considering that the first game is now six year old? Still, it was a pretty good moment.

And, just like Call of Duty 4, there was on obligatory gunship mission. But this one stuck out even more - in CoD4 this bit was tied directly to part of the story. In World at War... Not at all. It had nothing to do with the character you had been playing aside from the fact that it occurred in the same theatre of war. It stuck out like a sore thumb: "It was so popular in CoD4, we need to do it too!" But, actually, the sequence was quite wall done. Here you're a gunner in a Catalina, and assault a convoy before rescuing sailors out of the water. The best part is when you had to change gun stations, and you'd run through the fuselage from station to station. It was pretty immersible. But, once again, it obviously was copying from the bomber mission in Call of Duty: United Offensive. It did some things better, and some things worse. I prefer the UO mission - the way it ended really took my breath away. I gotta dig up those disks and give it another go. One of my favourite moments in gaming.

But, really, it wasn't all bad. The fire effects sure were pretty. And even though the main multiplayer is another direct copy from CoD4, the zombie mode is pretty good. It was implemented fairly well, I could see myself spending more time on it.

At this point, I want to lambast Treyarch for making such a horrible creation, but... I get the feeling that they did the best they could. They were obviously contracted to make a game that was very similar to CoD4 (and it sure shows), on a rather quick due date to land before Infinity Ward's next installment. I recognize that the studio did the best they could, but what they created... Just wasn't theirs. It feels too much like a game that has to meet the following x requirements.

No, I'm going to go right ahead and blame Activision for this one. Anything to make a buck, right guys? Screw creativity or integrity or quality, as long as it sells well(and I'm sure it did), that's all that matters. You stole the franchise out from underneath IW, and then started polluting the brand and shopping around to make filler for your holiday release schedule. Shame on you. I think Treyarch is capable of making something good, but they need to have the opportunity to take things in their own direction. Activision... Screw you.



I wish I could say that I'd start boycotting all Call of Duty games (if not all Activision releases), but Modern Warefare was such a fantastic game that I cannot be denied the sequel. Which puts me in a rough spot. Maybe I'll download the extended demo and then cut a cheque directly for Infinity Ward. They're the ones worth supporting.
-Cril

Head or tails, heads or tails, heads or tails (heads or tails)
Are you dumb enough to break the mold
or smart enough to fail?
Oh happy trails happy trails oh happy trails
Can't beat a little bit of envy in your sails.

Singing that's all right
Yeah that's all right
Oh that's all right

It's a disaster
It's an incredible mess
But it's all we've got now
Yeah it's all we got
Howling with laughter, panic, alarm, and distress
But it's all we've got now
Yeah it's all we got

Ok Go - It's a Disaster

How Depressing

Woo, I just finished a solid 2.5hrs of sorting out classes. I've drawn up my schedule and course selections for both the fall and winter semesters, complete with a backup schedule in case my first pick isn't available. It'd be pretty nice if I got my first pick, but I imagine my effort to psychologically analyze other first year students to place my bets when and where I think slots will be available. Either way, I'm currently teetering on the edge between excited and absolutely petrified for starting school.

There's a Photography 101 course I have room to take if I desire (I have a transferred credit from my last year of studies, so I don't need to take it for the credits), but it requires a camera with "manual control of aperture and shutter speed". And, as far as my camera-inept knowledge goes, that means at LEAST a ~$700 investment for a DSLR. Maybe less if I can find one used. Sigh, that's a big chunk o' change. We'll see - I have until the second semester to look around and figure out.



You want to see something fun? Check out these headphones, which retail for $50. If I look at buying them out of the States, they're way cheaper. They're, like, half the price. Ok, fine. I'll suck it up, put up with the exchange rate and extra shipping costs, and buy internationally. I'd still come out a few bucks ahead, and I could get a few other items on the cheap. Oh, but wait, nevermind. Best Buy doesn't ship out of the States at all, and Amazon refused to send out the items that I wanted the most. Jeez, thanks guys. How fantastic. Nothing like the "free trade" in the "global village". I had to buy them ME for bloated-price. They even made me specifically sign off on the fact that that they offered me a warrantee I declined. Argh.

Oh, speaking of Amazon. Remember Amazon MP3 Canada? I was looking at purchasing some music, and well... This is a letter I sent them:

So, I'm browsing around looking to make a big ol' order of all my favourite albums when I realize... Hey, the prices are totally retarded! $18.99 for a CD with only 12 tracks? No thanks! This lead to the obvious thought... Wouldn't it be cheaper to get buy the MP3s? So when are you planning on rolling out Amazon MP3 for us Canuckleheads? We like our downloadable entertainment just as much as the next guy. And I really really hate iTunes, and really really like Amazon a lot more. It seems like a natural fit. But seriously, what gives? You guys announced that it'd be here in late 2008, and there hasn't been a word about it since. Is it still in the works? Common, don't hold out on me, I WANT TO GIVE YOU MY MONEY!

And got the following response...

Thank you for writing to us at Amazon.ca.

I apologize for any frustration. I understand that your overwhelming interest in utilizing the 'MP3 Downloading' service on our website.

We expect our Canadian web site to expand and improve the selection of products and services we provide, but we have no further details to give you at this time regarding our plans for this service.

Also, I do understand that this service is available with our partner site Amazon.com.

Our international web sites operate independently of each other. The items or services offered on our partner sites are obtained from different suppliers, publishers, and distributors, relative to the country from which the item originates. We are unable to transfer inventory from one fulfillment center to another.

However, I have passed your message along to the appropriate people in our company so they are aware of your interest in this service. It is always important for us to hear how customers react to all aspects of shopping at Amazon.ca.

We encourage you to check back frequently for any new or updated information about our products and services.

Thank you for your interest in Amazon.ca. We value your business and hope that we will see you again soon at Amazon.ca.

Dont'cha love those canned, totally useless emails that don't give you any new information? Now in this guy's defense, this is probably his job - sit at a desk all day and bang out response after response to inquiry after inquiry. He's not a director of business, he's not a manage. Just some guy doin' his job. It's just so frustrating that there isn't any information on this service, especially when it's one I'd love to use. Sigh.

I downloaded and played the Batman Arkham Asylum Demo - it was fantastic. Short, but incredible. I can't remember the last time I was so sold on a pre-release demo. Any kind of demo, even. The voice casting and writing from the Animated Series was just so delicious, even in that small dose. The combat seemed pretty fluid, although I think there's a bit of a learning curve there. The moves seemed kind of limited and repetitive, but I suspect that is do to not having any unlocks and not getting enough time to experiment with it. Once it go to the open area/free roaming sections, it was absolutely fantastic. It made you feel like such a lethal predator. I'm totally sold. Unless it really tanks in the reviews. Although, fun-fact, like all the cool kids the PC version was delayed from late August to late September. Which means, of course, I'll probably won't get to try my hand at it until the far side of Christmas. Oh joy.



In other news, my skin is miserable, my iPod may be dying, my map (while playable) has some errors I can't figure out, I register for classes tomorrow morning, and I'm not sure if I'll sleep tonight as a result. Hooray.
-Cril

Now walkin' home on those streets
The river winds move my feet
Subway steam, like silhouettes in dreams
They stood by me, just like moonbeams

Look out the window, down upon that street
And gone like a midnight was that man
But I see his six strings laid against that wall
And all his things, they all look so small
I got my fingers crossed on a shooting star
Just like me - just moved on

The Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache

Public Service Announcement #2

I don't like having my picture taken. I told you that right after the first time you did it. The next time I asked you not to do it, and you went ahead anyways. Today I specifically told you not to do it, and you did it anyways. I DO NOT WANT YOU TO TAKE MY PICTURE, so stop it.
/vent



-Cril

Vows are spoken
To be broken
Feelings are intense
Words are trivial
Pleasures remain
So does the pain
Words are meaningless
And forgettable

Depeche Mode - Enjoy the Silence (Mike Shinoda Remix)

The heat was more than hungry

I should probably be in bed, it's almost 11:00 and we want to leave on a day trip tomorrow at 9. But no, instead I'm sitting here and banging out a few-hundred words like I do every Sunday night. So I'll try to make it quick.



It's a long weekend, hence the trip tomorrow. Well, we're down to the last third of a long weekend, anyways. I've done pretty well - I set out a list of odds and ends I wanted to accomplish, and I got most of it done. (This list, by the way, was made using the Tasks applet in Gmail. I have to admit that I've been finding it pretty handy.) Did up some art for my sister's lazor project, did up some more art for my grandmother's lazor project, caught up on some sketches, and mapped.

I spent three-and-a-half hours mapping yesterday. Aside from fixing the odd texture and re-aligning the odd prop, I think I have the environment itself pretty completed. From here I need to do the stuff that actually makes the game playable. Triggers, navigation, all that jazz. That might be another three or so hours in and of itself, and then... Closed beta time! I might need one or two more people to test it with me, but that's probably another week away at least. I'd finish it up tomorrow, but I won't be around and it won't get done until during the week. I think my laundry may likewise suffer.

Now of course when I made the aforementioned list, at the top I had "look at registering for class". I use "had", past-tense, for some reason that's beyond me, because I still haven't completed that. Registration opens on the 10th, and I haven't even looked at classes or schedules. Shaaaaame on me. I'm such a slacker. It's just so intimidating - they recommend that I register for both semesters at once. I really gotta sit down and figure that out. Maybe on Tuesday, I guess. Push the L4D map and laundry back a bit further.

Mind you, I probably would have had time to get that done had I not been slacking off. In particular, I'm not half-way through season three of The Wonder Years. Absolutely fantastic show. I think I sung its praises last week, so suffice it to say that the show has aged incredibly well, had fantastic writing, and is just so entertaining and engaging and relevant to watch. I can't get enough.

I watched the original 1974 Gone in 60 Seconds this evening. Terrible, horrendous movie. It's so disjointed and pointless. The acting is terrible, the story is almost non-existant, and the action was so over-the-top it was idiotic. As far as car chases involving a Mustang go, Bullitt is way better. I think you'd be hard-pressed to find any car chase better than Bullitt. Chalk this Gone in 60 Seconds as one of those movies where the remake is vastly superior. Right next to Ocean's Eleven.

I finished playing through Zeno Clash earlier this week. VERY unique game. The art direction and story are both twisted. It's such a refreshing break from the norm of Hollywood-wannabe games. It's hard to exactly describe it - it's truly one of those games you need to pick up and play to appreciate. But it's truly unlike anything I've tried before. Well, maybe, just maybe, it has some remote similarities to Psychonauts. The gameplay itself was okay, a first-person brawler is an intruiging way to base a game on. It reminded me of Mirror's Edge, sans any kind of fancy movement (you can't even jump or crouch). But when you punch and connect, it's pretty satisfying. Doing a quick block and lining up with a solid kick feels fantastic. When you get swarmed by enemies, though, it feels like the combat system itself lets you down. It's just not quite intuitive enough to effectively manage two or three enemies at the same time. Also, the voice acting is fairly sub-par, but that isn't a surprise for an indie studio based out of South America. What is surprising is how good the game is, as a whole. $20 is a bit steep, and the $15 it goes for now would leave me right on the fence. At $12.50, where I got it on sale, I think I got pretty good bang-for-buck. If nothing else for the character design, environments, and story. Really cool stuff.



Anyways, it's now 11:17. Time to find some lyrics, wrap up the post, read a book, and call it a night.
-Cril

The air was more than humid
And the heat was more than hungry
And the cars were square and spitting diesel fumes

The bulls were running wild
Because they're big and mean and sacred
And the children were playing cricket with no shoes

The next morning we woke up, man, with a seven hour drive
Well there we were stuck in port Blaire
Where boats break and children stare
And there were so many fewer questions
When stars were still just the holes to heaven

Jack Johnson - Holes to Heaven

There's summer in the city

What a week. My folks came over on incredibly short notice - not that that's necessarily a bad thing, but it made for a bit of a busy week. Do some chores and clean the room and get some flowers for my mom's birthday and a bunch of other odds and ends. We did some shopping and bowling and went out for dinner and spent some quality time together. Which included four rounds of five-pin bowling. My first round was a pathetic 83, two rounds at 127, and the final was 143. Which is good, I was aiming for 130 and the last round wasn't going so well. It was down to the last frame, and I used up a spare to pick up 20 points. Woo! I usually get 160 Wii Bowling, though.

iPod's been giving me mega trouble over the past two days. I did some browsing via the wifi, and turned it off at a half-charge and set it down. I came back to it a half-hour later, and the device was warm and the battery had dropped to 10%. I went home and plugged it in for an hour, and the battery didn't budge at all. I figured I'd follow some advice and do a restore/reinstall, and then all hell broke loose. The first two tries crashed the device - it turned off and would restart five minutes later in recovery mode. I tried restoring off of the old OS2 file I had on-hand, and then it'd crash and give me an 'Error 13' part way through the restore. I looked it up and that turned out to be some kind of connection issue, either with the port or cable. I tried my backup cable in another port and it installed fine. I left it on all night and in the morning the battery was charged up fine. It worked all day today without issue. Then about an hour ago, I plugged the new cable into the old port, and... The instantly dove from about 40% to 15%. I plugged it back into the other port, and it's once again charging fine. So I think, I think that this is all due to a crappy USB port. It doesn't explain the original battery drain, but... Hopefully it's related.

Oh, and hardware issue #2: The overheating graphics card. I took it into work and blew out the dust with the air compressor. I think I cleaned the heatsink and fan out pretty well. It was tricky to do - the compressor is pretty powerful, so I tried to keep the whole thing at arm's length from the nozzle so I don't damage any components. Anyways, it worked fine. Peak temperatures have dropped from 105c down to 80c. A significant chunk, methinks. Grid now works fine. I guess it's a good thing I decided to play that game on a whim and discovered the issue when I did. It hasn't manifested itself with any other games, but I surely would have fried the carder sooner than later had I not got to it when I did.



Lastly, I've decided to quit watching Joan of Arcadia. I was watching it with some friends and fell behind a few episodes... And I just couldn't be bothered to catch up. It's so teen-angsty and predictable. While some of the characters are written with some decent nuances and small-touches, the God portion is the only creative element of story-telling. It's such a... Brain-dead show to watch. So boring and under-stimulating. Feels like a total waste of time.

But I just started watching The Wonder Years (yaaaaay for torrents! I dunno where else I would've found it). I probably haven't seen that show since I was 12-years-old myself, and you know what? It holds up remarkably well. I'm about a quarter of the way through the second season, and I'm sucking it up. The narrative is so fresh, and the story-telling so unique and perfectly executed. And yes, I'm well aware that I'm replacing one teen-angsty show with another. But there's actual value to this one. It really isn't like the other assembly-line shows that are all over the place. It's just so original, the perspective is unique, and the delivery is superb. I'm truly enjoying it. I should probably wait until August before I download the other four seasons - I've been using up a lot of bandwidth this month. And, in my defense, a LOT of it has been legit (Yaaaaay Steam!)



August, ugh. What a scary thought. I don't care much for the warm weather or The Month That Follows. It's going to be a looooong 36 days.
-Cril

Summer in the city
Means cleavage, cleavage, cleavage
And I start to miss you
Baby, sometimes
I've been staying up
And drinking
In a late night establishment
Telling strangers
Personal things

Summer in the city, I'm so lonely, lonely, lonely

Regina Spektor - Summer in the City

Death of the Weekend

I hate weekends. They're never long enough, and the seldom feel... Satisfying. But I did some laundry, tidied up my desk, made a photo dump, wrote another angst-y rant, finished a game, watched some TV and a movie, and troubleshot (troubleshooted? troubleshat?) some computer issues.

Ah, PC gaming. When you work, you're so satisfying. And when you don't, you're absolutely infuriating. In this particular case, I played some GRID for the first time in... A month or two, and I've been getting this periods where the game just slows down in the middle of a race. Five or six times, for a few minutes each. The game files didn't need to be defragged, a driver rollback didn't help and neither did the following rollforward. I think I'm having heat issues. If I recall correctly, my video card (KFA Galaxy 9600GT) is a naturally warm piece of hardware, but it shouldn't be peaking at 105c. That's friggin' HOT. So I took off the side of the case and used to vacuum to de-dust it a bit. I was able to play for a lot longer before the slowdowns started happening again. But they never used to happen at all, so... Maybe I need to take out the components to properly clean them. Or maybe my card is on its way out. But really, what do you expect when the manufacturer doesn't even have a website? Something tells me this may not be a quality piece of equipment. I shoulda gone with EVGA, they did alright by me last time.



I watched two movies this last week, actually. National Treasure 2 was... Wonderfully predictable and shallow. A few semi-humourous bits, but as a whole it was completely forgettable. I won't even mention the gaping plot holes and idiocy in some parts of the logic.

Then I also watched Flight of the Navigator, a kid-friendly sci-fi flick from 1986. It was a movie I probably haven't seen in... At least 13 years. We used to watch it when we went to visit our grandparents - there was a decent video rental shop in town (something we usually couldn't get to without a 40min ride in a bushplane), and I remember us getting it on at least two or three occasions. Often by request. Unfortunately, it hasn't aged well. The movie is SUPER corney and lame. I will say two things, though - the premise was really intruiging and the visuals were good. Part of the movie revolves around a robot alien merged with a spacecraft, and it was done with *gasp* actual props. Yeah, it wasn't mind blowing and it looked flimsy, but I'd take that over most of the CGI we see nowadays that litter the sci-fi genre.

Nurse Jakie is a good show, but they try too hard to make the main character flawed. I'll tolerate it for the time being, we'll see if/when I give up on it.

Dark Messiah of Might and Magic was a fun game. Neat universe to explore, and I really like how they made the environment useful in combat. It had a pretty wide array of ways to approach a situation, and the RPG-style classes were implemented well. For as much emphasis as there was on melee combat, the system sure feels a bit unpolished. Something in the way that enemies don't get knocked back or stunned by your blows, and can attack while you're attacking. And part of the AI scripting became a little obvious after a short while. If you charge at them while ready to strike, they'll attack at the exact moment that you reach them. It's okay though, the magical weapons were neat and some of the spells were cools. Visually too, the art direction here (and in a few other areas) was really solid. Really captured the atmosphere well.

I need to get some more mapping done this week. I'll be damned if I don't get that map done (at least an initial version) over the summer. I blame all the photographying for distracting me.

Gotta register for class. I start school in a month and twelve days. Sigh. I can't believe so much of the summer is gone, and how little time is left in my free life.

Here, this should help with all the crap I've been spewing lately.



Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go find something to settle my soul for the upcoming week.
-Cril

I said I'm sitting here watching
Matchbox hole in my clothes
I said I'm sitting here wondering
Matchbox hole in my clothes
I ain't got no matches
But I sure got a long way to go

The Beatles - Matchbox

Red Stain Blossoms

This is going to be a rehash of a certain past post, so feel free to call it quits here. Loads of angst-y, pointless and hypothetical questions and premises below.



I am getting really freakin' sick and tired of my desperate need to be proven right and worth while. Why do I ask someone for their suggestion, just to turn around and fight them on it? I have this burning craving to challenge someone and to come out on top. Seriously, what the hell? There are 6.7 BILLION other people on the planet. Why am I so fixated on the concept that my point of view matters more than any of the others? It's such a futile effort to stand up and scream "I'M SIGNIFICANT!" when, well, I'm not.

I need to get it into my head to just shut up, suck it up and leave things be. There are a lot more people with opinions in this world, and who's to say that the way I perceive the universe is relevant? Besides, the sheer ratio of them to me makes it pretty clear that I'm not as special as my subconsciousness wants me to think.

I just get so wound up in the need to assert an opinion and have it validated that I can't step back and realize that am not the end-all or be-all of... Anything. And once I discover what I'm doing or if someone calls me on it, like today, I get introverted and introspective and don't want to be around anyone until I have it figured out and fixed.

But something tells me there ain't much fixin' that can be done for this flavour of problem. Maybe I'm just a selfish, self-absorbed guy, plain and simple. And the way I try and troubleshoot that is to be alone, so that there isn't anyone to be selfish to. I don't want it all to be about me, dammit. But for some reason I can't unhook my mind from this snag that what I think somehow takes precedence.



One more time, with feeling: "I am not special. I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. I'm the same decaying organic matter as everything else."
-Cril

I wanted to explode
To pull my ribs apart
And let the sun inside
Red stain blossoms

Elbow - Ribcage

Eve

It's late, and here I am sitting down to pound out a few hundred words. Knowing how slowly I write, I should probably be on my way to bed, but... I don't want to.

It's another 'eve of something I don't wanna do'. You know how it is. For whatever reason you really aren't looking forward to tackling tomorrow, and so you stay up late to put it off. And then you're sleep deprived, and end up taking on whatever it is without you're full mental faculty. Sigh, good times. But for the inquisitive among you, no, it's not anything significant. It's just something... I don't wanna do. Not a big deal in any way, I could probably even get away with skipping it. But instead I'll suck it up and do it. Besides, to quote comic-strip fatherly advice, "it builds character."

It's been a pretty uneventful week so far. The bosses are going to be out of town for the next week or so, so work is a bit quieter. We got a long list of objectives we want to tackle in the mean time, though. Aside from that... I've been doing a little bit of reading, watching a little bit of TV, playing my way through Dark Messiah of Might and Magic (which actually isn't too bad). I've been drawing, listening to and sorting music, and now I'm writing. I was hoping to add photography to that list, but the gods of the postal service obviously have other plans for me.

Oh, and I've been mapping. Not that much, actually - the three or so hours I spent on it today is all I've done over the last week and a bit. But it's coming along. I have roughly 70% of the level layout and populating done, and after that I need to set up navigation, scripts, and then balance, balance, balance. Mind you, I am modeling my first level after a real location, so it could just be that it's a natural zombie strong point and there's not much I can really do to make it more challenging. But it's coming along. I even have a few odd plans to expand on it, but that's quite a ways off yet. Here's some of what I have so far:



For as intuitive and well put together as Hammer is, once you have a populated area it really becomes difficult to tell what's going on. It certainly gives me new respect for professional level creators, and makes me wonder how they approach it.

And, of course, the obligatory sketch. Sometimes I get in a groove where I pound out three or four or six or eight decent, solid sketches in a row. I am not in this groove right not. I haven't been too terribly pleased with anything I've done over the past two weeks or so. But today I made a piece referenced from some concept art for Batman: Arkham Asylum. I think it turned out pretty well:



Of course, comparing it closely with the original the proportions aren't right, the colours are a bit out, and the expression isn't quite faithful. But on its own... It's probably the best thing I've done over the last ten or so sketches.

You know what I absolutely love? When you listen to a song a bajillion times over, and then *snap!* the lyrics just come together. It may be the chorus or a line or just a single word, but all of the sudden you have clarity for a single portion of the song that brings the larger meaning together. The entire meaning and message just make so much sense, you can't believe how well it fits together. You wrap yourself up in the melody the first few times, but once that magical key is discovered it's like the song lifts you off your feet. It such an exhilarating sensation.

I thought that the word 'mirrorball' was just some sort of gibberish, but it came up in conversation the other day and I found out that it's like one of those disco balls. Elbow's Mirrorball goes "You make the moon a mirrorball / The streets an empty stage / The city's sirens, violins / Everything has changed" Ah-HA! How did I not know that before? It just works so well. It's so obvious how it impacts the remainder of the song, I had no idea what I was missing out on. I love the imagry it creates.

In Gordon Lightfoot's If You Could Read My Mind (I was actually listening to the Scala & Kolacny Bros version when I made this discovery), "I'd walk away like a movie star / Who gets burned in a three way script / Enter number two / A movie queen to play the scene / Of bringing all the good things out in me / But for now love, let's be real / I never thought I could act this way / And I've got to say that I just don't get it / I don't know where we went wrong / But the feeling's gone / And I just can't get it back". I'd never quite made the connection between the first and last half of the stanza. In particular, I always though "let's be real" was a cheap shot in an arguement and that "I never thought I could act this way" reffered to doing things you didn't anticipate. But, really, it's reffering to a layer of surrealism. "Let's be real" becomes a lot more literal, and "act this way" refers to pretending and not just doing something. Well, not necissarily. The genius of this whole verse is that these meanings can go either way.

It may have been poor perception and understanding on my part, but once I realised the different angles to interpret these lyrics... It makes the song(s) that much more... Incredible. I don't know why, but I find it to be truly fascinating and exciting when I make these connections. It's like I completely rediscover the song.

'Eve of something I don't wanna do' anxieties aside, I feel a bit wound up at the moment. I feel like I need some release, but I don't know what form that'd come in. I feel like there's something buried deep inside that I need to express or let out. Like I said, I don't know what it is. Maybe I just need to sit down for an hour or two and really indulge my introspectiveness. Gah, I wish I knew what it is I need/want to get at.

In other news, if someone finds a used 50cc (or less) scooter for $1000 (or less) in the area, let me know. Now there would be something fun to do for the summer.

Sigh. I miss my car.

Well, it's time to suck it up, stop stalling, go to bed, and face down that thing I don't wanna do. Like I said, I don't fear anything bad happening or worry about some horrible consequences. I just. Don't. Want. To. Do. It.
/blargh
-Cril

It's been a bad day
Please don't take a picture
It's been a bad day
Please

We're dug in deep the price is steep
The auctioneer is such a creep

The lights went out, the oil ran dry
We blamed it on the other guy
Sure, all men are created equal
Here's the church, here's the steeple
Please stay tuned - we cut to sequel
Ashes, ashes, we all fall down

R.E.M. - Bad Day

Tick, tick, tick.

It's a Sunday night at... 9:50PM. It's cloudy outside, almost like the sky wants to sigh and let out a torrent of rainfall. Hm, that sounds therapeutic.

I actually *gasp* logged into Facebook this last week. I generally don't do anything else but reply to two or three friend requests from people who obviously have the wrong person. I highly doubt that Mr Spalding from Colorado can tell that I'm such a fantastic and unique personality to befriend solely based on my sparse profile.

Among the plethora of other invitations (legit friend requests, a bajillion invites to a bajillion pointless apps), I took a quick scan over the news feed that displays all the updates from friends. Apparently an past friend of mine from high school is engaged to the chick he's been going out with from the same period. Good for him. It intrigues me that all there was to give it away was the small "Andrew _ is now engaged" status update. That certainly is one helluva way to announce something so significant in such an insignificant manner. It sounds like something I'd do.

Moving on, it's been a pretty uneventful week. At work we're doing a major reshuffle and reorganization, so it took two long days to get most of the work done. I'm sure it would've been three long days, but we had Friday off in lieu of Wednesday for Canada Day.

Which means that I'm currently staring down the remaining two hours (10:02PM) of a long weekend.

I wish I could say that I did something fantastic with the three days. But I didn't. I drew and read and gamed and napped and mapped and made music and walked and biked and stood outside during a thunderstorm. And I did every single one of those things without talking face-to-face with another soul.

So there you have it. My friend announced he's getting married, and I spent a weekend completely void of any company. Unless you want to count the cats romping around the house or the digital escapades shared with someone on the far side of the continent.

Anyways, I need to put said felines to bed, fold and put away laundry, brush the teeth, sync the iPod, and do all those other things necessary on a work night.



10:11PM. Tick, tick, tick.
-Cril

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an off hand way
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way

Pink Floyd - Time

More Media Roundup

Feeling... Quite horrible at the moment. I must be coming down with something - I'm light-headed and dizzy. It almost feels like all the blood keeps rushing out of my head. I've slept so much, it almost makes the weekend seem like a surreal dream. Such a waste of two days.

I actually have a small list of some philosofickle/behavioral ideas that I wanted to explore, but I really don't feel like getting into that stuff tonight. Perhaps I'll leave it for later in the week. In the mean time you're stuck with another 'this is what I've watched' post.

I saw One Week last week. It's an Canadian indie film, and is quite good. For a basic plot... It's about a guy who discovers he has cancer and buys a motorcycle to go have an adventure. He then rides all the way across the country with nothing else but a camera. Really good stuff. I forget who did it, but the narrator's voice was quite soothing to listen to. Overall it's a very good movie, but it some spots it felt like it was trying a bit too hard to be 'Canadian'. It got rather stereotypical in some spots, and certainly felt like it played up the patriotic angle. Anyways, I still recommend it. Fantastic movie.

I watched Thin Red Line this week in two or three chunks. It's a three-hour movie, so I didn't really have the opportunity to sit down and watch it all in one go. Anyways, it's about several different characters from the same Marine outfit that's attacking an island in the pacfic during WWII. I usually stick to the European theatre, so it was a good opportunity to get exposed to some new stuff. It was a fairly solid movie, good writing and good action. It wasn't quite as gruesome as I had anticipated, which was nice. I fully understand the need to depict the horrors of war, but sometimes it just feels like gore for gore's sake. Anyways, the movie revolves around three or four flawed characters, and how they're all facing their demons and fears. The main character had a lot of voice-over/narration on top of visuals, but something wasn't quite right with the mixing. It was really difficult for me to understand what he was saying. Still, it was a pretty touching movie.



Annnd, I finished reading the Diary of Anne Frank. It's a really amazing piece of literature. That girl was much more wise and intelligent beyond her age. So much of that book is quotable material, with valuable insights and unique observations. I was really sucked in as she developed her relationship with Peter and they eventually fell in love. It was amazing how it changed her outlook on the world and improved her attitude. It was so brutal, then, how the diary ended so abruptly. It just... Stopped. And then you get this pit in your stomach, because it was the end of the line for her life. The epilogue was really difficult to read. The fact that she found her friend, Lies, in Auchwitz was heart-breaking. What was even worse was when it described that Peter had left on a winter march during the retreat, and was never heard from again. It's so brutal. It also mentioned that the standard reward for leading to the arrest of Jews in Holland was $1.40 a head. Was the person that turned them in able to live with the fact that he destroyed eight lives for $11.20? How can that be worth it? I know when times are difficult you're driven to do desperate things to secure resources, but that just doesn't seem right. It certainly makes you lose faith in humanity. The very last phrase of her diary reads "...I twist my heart round again, so that the bad is on the outside and the good is on the inside and keep on trying to find a way of becoming what I would so like to be, and what I could be, if...there weren't any other people living in the world." It's poetic on so many different levels.

And that book pretty much rounds out a triangle of depressing holocaust stories. Life is Beautiful, Jakob the Liar, Diary of Anne Frank. All exceptional stories, so well done. Of course, knowing that the latter isn't a production of any kind and unaltered truth and fact is the worst of all.

Maybe I've satisfied my WWII craving for now.
-Cril

Ludovico Einaudi - Primavera

No love for tomorrow

Yaaay, I'm so glad the week is over. Booo, I'm so sad another one is about to start.

Finally got that ad submitted at work, which was nice to get out of the way. And no, I've yet to be replaced.

Uhrm... Started watching Joan of Arcadia. It doesn't hold up as well to how I remember it. Seems a bit too teen-angst-y. I'm only a few episodes in though, we'll see if it gets better. There are only two seasons, so it hopefully shouldn't be a massive waste of time to go through the whole thing.

I also started to watch Nurse Jackie, via Frank's suggestion. It's pretty good, like a decent balance between Scrubs and MASH. However... It feels like it's trying too hard to be edgy. The main character has so many flaws, it feels like they're just making her that way for the sake of doing so. We'll see. I'll give it a few more episodes.

What else... Saw Life is Beautiful again. It's been a while, but this one stood up very well to how I remember it. All around, it's just so well made. It'd be in my Top 5 list of movies, for sure.

Top Gear airs tonight! Apparently they'll reveal the identity of the Stig. I'm not sure if it'll be a hoax, completely absurd, or *gasp* serious. Can't wait - but I'll have to. It takes a while for new releases to download, but we should have it by this time tomorrow.

So much television/cinemetography. It's really getting to me. I simply don't enjoy sitting down to watch whatever's on - by the end I always feel unsatisfied and that I could've done something better with my time. I don't find it very relaxing or worth the time it takes to sit through an episode or movie. Don't get me wrong - I don't necessarily hate it. It's just that I really only enjoy movie or shows that I have some kind of connection with. I only watch things that strike a chord with me or that I'm passionate about. Watching some generic movie for the sake of watching a movie isn't that enticing. If I'm aiming to turn my brain off for a bit, video games are much more my poison. There's something to be said for trace amounts of interaction when being unproductive.

On a semi-related note, I spent three or four hours yesterday learning how to map in Left 4 Dead. For as much time as I've spent playing games, particularly those on the Source Engine, it's seems like a natural fit. My goal is to learn something new over the summer, and this might be it. I've got some of the basics down so far - there's still a LOT to learn, but I've dipped my toes in the water. It's surprisingly not as difficult as I had anticipated. Hopefully I can get a hold of floorplans for a location I'm familiar with, so I can be on familiar ground so to speak. It'll be a fun project.

It's kind of odd that I'm doing it in L4D. I haven't played in a while and it certainly isn't my fragging ground of choice. But the nature of gameplay suits what I want to do, and is a good place to start. It doesn't hurt that it's well documented too.

But, mind you... I've been spending a lot of time lately staring at the row of game shortcuts on the desktop. Nothing is really appealing to me at the moment. Yeah, I play a bit here and there to unwind or waste away some time... But nothing really gets me hooked. It serves its purpose, but I just have a hard time looking forward to it. I desperately want a new game to play. The problem is that there isn't anything good on the horizon. Sure, the closest thing is Arkham Asylum, but that comes out on August 25th. A whopping SIX days before I start school. I'll probably be too much of a nervous wreck to enjoy it.

And then school starts, and I'll be a busy nervous wreck. Which sucks, because between NFS Shift, The Saboteur, Assassin's Creed II, Beatles Rock Band, Modern Warfare 2, Starcraft 2, and a fistful of other titles, it certainly looks like it'll be a fantastic fall/winter for gaming. And I'll get to enjoy very little of it. Sigh. C'est la vie.

On another note, I emailed Codemasters:

Dear the fine folks at Codemasters,

Seriously, what gives? When will the 8-Ball expansion pack for Grid make it's way to the PC? I'm an absolute massive fan of Grid - I can't put it down, it's by far the best racing game I've ever played. And I want more. It's so unfair - why do the consoles get all the love, while your ever faithful and steadfast PC fans are left out in the cold? Common, show us some appreciation! You've left us wondering since early December, and not even the slightest shred of an idea regarding what's happening. Don't you trust us? We're kind, decent folk - honest!

Forever your Grid crack addict, eagerly waiting for the next hit he's willing to pay for...
-Chris

To which they replied...

I'm afraid we don't have a release date for release on PC at this moment in time, it should however still be released.

Sorry for the inconvenience.

Kind regards
Jorn
Codemasters Customer Services

Wow, thanks guys. Yeah, that's so helpful. I can't wait for that expansion that's so obviously been unofficially canceled, so that customer support can't tell you that they don't care about PC gamers. Fantastic. Also, I emailed Gabe from Penny Arcade to ask how he does his textured backgrounds and people from Total Gaming Network to ask why I still haven't received prizes from a contest seven months ago.



I've yet to receive responses from either, and I sent my emails last weekend.
-Cril

We love in vain
Narcissistic and so shallow
The cops and queers
To swim you have to swallow
Hate today
No love for tomorrow
We're all stars now in the dope show
We're all stars now in the dope show
There's lots of pretty, pretty ones
Who want to get you high
But all the pretty, pretty ones
Will leave you low
And blow your mind

Marilyn Manson - The Dope Show

Fickle Tidbits

So, lil' bit of fun news today. First off, my boss(es) announced that we're taking on a new employee. And, apparently, he's taking over my job. Mind you, I found out that last part from his young, semi-brashful daughter. You may want to take it with the largest grain of salt you can find.

Next up, I got declined for student loans! Woo! I hope this isn't an omen for how the next four years are going to go. But really, it just means that in the proportional scale of debt to lost savings relationship, the latter will take the biggest hit. For the first year, at least. It also means that if I intend to avoid telling lies on future loan applications, I'll need to devise some sort of plan for my existing monies. As fun as it would be to blow through my entire savings, I'd much rather hang on to a decent portion of it. That way if I find myself up against something nasty, I still might have some maneuvering room.

And lastly... Within the past two weeks, I've done twenty ad concepts. I'm by no means some sort of creative juggernaut - I feel truly, mentally spent. I can't believe I worked through lunch today to churn out five worthless half-ideas. Generally speaking, in the life of a single print advertisement ten concepts is about normal, five if I'm lucky. Fifteen is a bit of a stretch, and twenty is absolute hell. The best part about all of this? It was supposed to be submitted by today. Instead it hasn't. At least a concept was chosen to work off of, but that's another few hours to refine and tweak. If all goes well, I'll have it done for tomorrow afternoon. I really hate missing deadlines, especially for something like this. Makes me feel so... Unprofessional.



Oh well, not that it matters anyways. Apparently I'm being replaced.
-Cril

Cellar door what's the use?
Cellar door are you open to find me?
Iron ore shields remorse
When I look, I look to your beautiful name
And find you're not the same

Cellar door what's the case?
Are you locked in your shadow's embrace?
Do you feel so insane?
That you don't, you don't want to show me your face
But I, I can relate

Holly Brook - Cellar Door