There are some things I can cope with. Botching a course. Working lots of overtime. Losing my iPod. Forgetting my lunch in the fridge and subsequently starving for a day.
But one thing that absolutely drags me down and makes the world a terrible place is when I have car issues. I feel so... Handicapped. Realizing that you are no longer on your own schedule, but rather that of others (be it the bus driver or the uncle you're bumming a ride from) really changes your outlook on the world. Sure, it may still be an oyster, but you're not going to be able to catch it on your own.
So it boils down to my sense of independence and freedom, I suppose. But it also removes one of the few personal luxuries I permit myself while in school. Video games, movies, reading, late night walks, sketching and playing instruments all get to the back burner for a few weeks/months. But every day, without fail, I get to start with going for a drive. Its expensive, and in the city it can be frustratingly slow. But I love driving, dammit. It's a costly habit to keep, but it's the only one I can really pretend to justify. It gets me where I need to go for my skewed schedule, and it allows me to keep working after the buses have all stopped running for the night.
But the satisfaction I get from driving isn't just the icing on the cake. It is the cake. I look forward to climbing in the driving seat. I love the texture of the steering wheel, and feeling the vibrations in the stick. There's one stretch on my way to school where I go from a stop light to 70KPH. I love the thrill of climbing up past 4000RPM in third gear, and listening to the engine roar to life. Just in time to skip fourth altogether and drop into fifth, of course. I don't want to totally kill my gas mileage, and there's no sense in adding significant stress to the life of my car.
But sometimes the stress comes regardless, and it breaks things. Like a master clutch cylinder, which starts to leak. Once all the fluid is gone it's impossible to get into gear. Makes the whole contraption rather useless, really.
And so the schedule changes so that you can get around on other people's time tables. And you stress about what might be wrong, and how much it'll cost to fix (about $500, for the record). And you wonder if maybe, after this last repair, it's time to trade in the whole shebang for something smaller and cheaper. But you tell yourself that surely this is one more thing now it working condition, and one less thing to go wrong. After all, any used car will come with baggage of some sort. Inspection or not, it'd be nearly impossible to really understand how reliable a new (used) machine would be. And you think of how much you've enjoyed your current car, and how you know it's carried you home for all those dark, tired nights. We've gone a long ways together, right?
Yeah, the hit to the wallet sucks. And losing your independence for a few days really puts you in a foul mood. But maybe the worst part is the uncertainty. When will it brake down next? Right when I'm running late for class? When I'm out for a drive in the middle of nowhere? How much will it cost to get a tow truck? How about to fix it? How many times can I afford to keep repairing it? This lack of confidence really gnaws away at you. It breaks your heart to not be able to explicitly trust something that's so important to who you find yourself to be.
Maybe some of this is just tired, rambling hyperbole, mixed with some of the other thoughts that are rolling around my head. But I love driving, I love my car, and when it's not working it ruins my outlook more than any piece of machinery has the right to.
-Cril
Ludovico Einaudi - Lady Labyrinth
