Please, please, pity my knees

I suppose I could take this opportunity to do some kinda post-semester recap. I want to save that for later (assuming I actually get around to it), but suffice it to say... It was a crappy semester. Maybe a more general year-end post would be the better way to tackle this. Right now, as the last few precious drops of Christmas evening are evaporating, I want to talk about how this was quite possibly, the worst Christmas I can remember.

It's the worst Christmas by the numbers, that is. Not many presents, barely any money. Fewest amount of family at home. Least amount of time spent together. A complete lack of energy and enthusiasm. 'Christmas cheer', it seems, has been a rather elusive beast this year. No one, no one, in my family was feeling it this year.

But you see, it still turned out to be a pretty good time. We all knew it was shaping up to be a crappy Christmas, and that no one really had any drive to do anything about it. So we... Took it easy. Sure, from a more traditional standpoint, everything was rather pathetic. But being there, it turned out alright. Not fantastic, but it was still a good time, for sure. We hung out, and shared low expectations. Not so much celebrating Christmas as trying to enjoy what little, brain-dead and disjointed time we had together. We all felt kinda bland, but we felt bland together. And that made it alright.

Point in case? When I arrived earlier in the week, neither my brother or I had figured out anything for Christmas gifts. So we went shopping. Bought some bulk candy, which we picked at for a bit before dividing up. Then we went to various stores and malls for several hours. Eventually we ended up in a department store where, being the shining examples of mature, responsible adults that we are, we bought every member of our family Nerf guns. It was stupid, but it was perfect. We all spent 10 minutes laughing like idiots this morning, after we unpacked, loaded, and took potshots at eachother. And we continued to chuckle like idiots while we hunted around the house for many of the spent projectiles that will probably stay hidden under various furniture for months to come.

So it turned out okay, I think, because of the mutual lack of enthusiasm. We shared it together, and that's what made the whole thing bearable.

I'm having a rough time disengaging from the semester. There was so much work that I had to get done, and to just flick that switch off... It's pretty jarring. And I have things to do over the break, for sure, but I find myself finding more things to do, because I feel the overwhelming urge to compensate for the lack of homwork. I feel bad for spending so much time being unproductive. I guess that depends on how you want to define word, though. It's unproductive from the school definition - crossing things off lists, seeing tangible results, accomplishing tasks, logging hours. But perhaps being unproductive in that vein is productive in another way - maintaining... Me.

I can't measure how much I've improved with playing an instrument over the past few days (and if I could, I'm sure it'd be depressingly low), but I know that I've gotten something else out of it. I've sat there and played for what feels like minutes (nothing good, mind you), and it feels great. Well, great with a fine coat of guilt on top of it. "You should be getting x or y or z done...". I've also been sketching more than once a day. In years past it has felt like a bit of a chore, but less so this time around. Sometimes inspiration or capability doesn't come, but overall it feels less like I'm banging my head against a wall.

This might all be the result of how long I've been trying to keep myself folded up into the box of homework. Now that I do have the time to let it out, it flows easily. But it flows with chunks of guilt bobbing in the waves. Should be doing stuff. Should be working. Should be, should be, should be... And I have been getting some stuff done. Small things, but things all the same. But it's never enough, is it? Bleh. Bleh, I say.
-Cril

Whoa there Santa you gave me a scare
Now stop teasin' 'cause I know you're there
We don't believe in no goblins today
But I can't explain why I'm shakin' this way

Louis Armstrong - 'Zat You, Santa Claus

Holes

Ah, the end of the semester. I'm on my last project, it's due tomorrow. I'm actually on the easy part - I just need to plug in some content. But as these things tend to do, I'm rapidly losing steam. The hardest, easiest hurdle can be the highest and hardest one to have the motivation to tackle. But I'm probably going to be in good shape. This'll be another long night, sure. But it'll get done.

Over the last year or so, as I've gotten to know my classmates in the program, I've noticed a trend when it comes to the end of the semester. I get a lot of resentment. A lot of people tend to scoff and say what good shape I'm in. One person bugged me about 'I bet you've actually slept over the last two days haven't you? And eaten three meals a day, probably.' As if I magically have the capability to plow through my assignments in record time with no effort. I kinda take offense to it, in some way. I could list all the things I do that allows me to be in such 'good' shape to them, comparitively. But it isn't a contest. It just feels like I get put on some alternate plane where I automatically don't have to try. I'm some mindless, production robot. Nope, not an ounce of strain or stress on my part. Not at all. What right do I have to complain when my projects aren't going to plan or I'm not feeling confident about it? Bleh. Ramblerambleramble.

It's now been about a week and a half since I last drove my car. There's a hole in my heart where that belongs. There's nothing else to say here that I haven't mentioned in some of the MANY other posts where I talk about my car problems. It's a thing. A stupid thing. It shouldn't matter. But it does, and not getting to drive my car is really eating away at me. Bleh.

Last week, shortly after my car b0rked on me, I had a project I needed to travel across the city to do. Graciously, my uncle and aunt lent me their spare car so that I could go do it. I'm so lucky to have great people on hand that care for me. But I digress. The car didn't have an auxillary plugin for the stereo. So after a few minutes of getting frustrated with trying to listen to radio, I gave up and went the rest of the way in silence. Then when I arrived, I wasn't in a setting where I could listen to my iPod. So I did the project for a couple hours, packed up, and traveled back in silence. I wish I could say something about how profound it was to listen to the world for a change instead of earbuds, but it wasn't. I went that entire morning without my music, and man did it leave a void. Every morning, every morning I commute with music. It was such an alarming break to the routine. I'm not even sure if 'routine' is the right word - it makes it sound so plain and mundane. It made the rest of the day feel unusually surreal, actually.

Anyways. My eyes grow blurry. I need to get this last project done.
-Cril

Moby - Slow Light

Week of Hell, Pt 3

It's Sunday? Ugh. It's Sunday. I have so very little sense of time right now. I'm just impressed that I've been running all day on 5hrs of broken sleep and a small bag of pierogies.

I'd just like to say that there's something to be said for a positive outlook on life. But right now, at this moment, screw that. Life right now sucks. Like, a lot.

Dear universe, is there anything else you'd like to throw at me? Maybe lose my laptop? Have my broken car spontaneously combust and burn to the ground? Might I suggest putting another one of my relatives in the hospital? Oh, I know. A massive hard drive failure would probably do it.

I'm a week from being done the semester, assuming I last that long. If I don't fall down dead within the next five days, I'm assuming that I will be crushed by a random piano falling from the sky.

I'm sure I'll survive, and everything will be okay. I'm not sure what will be anything left of me that's worth while, but there will at least be some charred remains. Life sure feels like hell right now. Too many things have gone awry over the last week, and my brain is broken in too many ways. Some perspective would probably do me good. I am not a beautiful or unique snowflake. I just need to suck it up and get my work done.

The homework. She beckons. (Back) into the breach.
-Cril

Celldweller - Ursa Minor (Electron Mix)

Sweet Desperation

There's something beautiful in the desperation of a 1AM car repair. The way that that a ratchet echoes off a street full of sleeping houses. How the hand fumbles through a maze of machinery to see what the amber street lights decline to illuminate. Trying to peer through foggy breath at that contorted collection of wires as the fingers, crisp with freezing winter air, strain to ensure that a screw won't fall and sink to the bottom of night's abyss. The effort to try what can be done, the precious little that can be done, in hopes that it'll make that magic difference. The way that this last valiant effort to redeem the day by accomplishing something of use is rejected by the fates. How that familiar 'clack' of the lock fortifies a car, as if it would prevent a would-be thief from eloping with a machine that refuses to start in the first place. Numb digits grasping up belongings from the curb and groping for the house key. A trudge up the path, through the front door, and into Tomorrow.
-Cril

Tangerine Dream - Tomorrow Never Knows

Letters

There's something in the way
the rhythm of a missing string moves
Notes and notes picked in grey
sighing sweet reverberation


Awake, awake, awake
by definition, at least
Churning and turning and trampling
across fields folding in on themselves


Commuting on the Bus of the Defeated
to a feeling of far away


A constriction of sorts
and some frustration of certainty
in the uncertain


-----
...well, that was wonderfully angst-y and depressing. I have no idea what any of this is/was, and I'm not sure if each 'verse' meant to be all be together or not. Just kinda thoughts and half thoughts that've been swirling around my cranium over the last lil' while. I ain't no poet or prosesmith, so take this refuse for what it is.
-Cril

And I,
I called through the air that night
A calm sea voiced with a lie
I could only smile,
I've been alone some time
And all, and all,
It's been fine

And you,
You had hope for me now
I danced all around it somehow
Be fair to me,
I may drift a while
Were it up to me,
You know I'd

Beirut - Port of Call

Gotta Get Through

Mistake #1: Going to bed at 3AM last night.
Mistake #2: Getting up at 7:30AM, going for a walk, shoveling snow, getting groceries, doing some homework
Mistake #3: Having a nap from 11:20AM-12:45PM
Mistake #4: Going into the office to work from 7:00PM to 8:45PM

My internal clock is so thoroughly buggered right now. Feels like the entire day's been a hazy dream. I can't think, so I'm going lay down my bones to rest for the night. I should do homework for two or three more hours, but I just don't know how to. This is going to be a long week. I'm just tired. So tired.
-Cril

There's no escaping now
Let me show you how
What it feels to be true

There's no escaping now
Let me show you how
What it feels to be true

I've been workin' baby
For too long now
I've been searchin' baby
A way to tell you how

Chemical Brothers - The State We're In

Electrified in Blue

Bleh, don't know what to say here. I'm feelin' tired and have far too much work to do. As the end-of-semester crunch tends to go, I keep flipping between paralyzed with stress to feeling like I might just come out on the other side with all of my limbs attached.

I need to do a personal website, an advertisement for work, two series of three advertisements for advertising (go figure), design an exhibition, and prepare, execute, and document an installation piece. Then there's some personal stuff, some other work stuff, some social stuff, and other stuff I need to get sorted. Bleh.

There's so much to write, and so little time to do it in.

...

Unfortunately, at the moment, it appears that I'm stuck in freaked-right-out mode, and I can't stop thinking about what I need to get done. I wish I had all the the time in the world and sit here and type away. So, for the time being and until next week, know that I am, in fact, alive and breathing.

Somewhat.
-Cril

Outside the colored lights they bleed
For snow is white and colors need
As it just comes down like pure salvation

Trans-Siberian Orchestra - Christmas Nights in Blue