Giterdun

Ok, so, follow up! Last week I made the grand goal to, and I quote, "Get 'er done." I am now ready to announce that... There was not much which had been got done. But it was better than the previous week, so that counts for something. I just can't quite seem to put my foot down and do the work needed to get on top of things, rather than leaving it to the last minute. So far I've found myself thinking, "Hey, this isn't so bad. This could be a real easy semester. I'm doing okay so far." And then I realize that one course as so far consisted of 1-2hrs of super lax research homework a week. The project actually starts now and a good chunk of creative work is due on Wednesday... That I have yet to start. Bravo, me. I wanted to get a piece of that out of the way this weekend, but it seems like the last few days have somehow been yanked out from underneath me.

Hopefully this week goes better.



I go to New York in three weeks. That kinda freaks me out.

I'm almost a month/quarter of the way through the semester. That freaks me out too.

Ok. I need to get off my butt and get some creative-type work done. Really, there's a BUNCH of personal creative stuff I want to do, but I need to focus on school-type creative stuff.
-Cril

I heard a pistol shoot, yeah, and it was a .44
Somebody killed a crap shooter cause he didn't, shake, rattle, and roll
Hey hey hey hey, alley's the roughest place I've ever been
All the people down there, killin' for their whisky, wine, and gin

I saw a cop standin', with his hand on his gun
Said "This is a raid boys, nobody run"
Hey, Hey, Hey, alley's the roughest place I've ever been
Yeah they took me away from tin pan alley
And took me right back, to the pen

Stevue Ray Vaughan & Double Trouble - Tin Pan Alley

Verbal Doodle - "It’s not my fawlt I wuz home skoold."

“It’s not my fawlt I wuz home skoold.” At least, that’s what I was supposed to say. But when your fingers go to do their tap dance across the keys, other things tend to happen. All those pretences kinda float away when you run into the fact that changing the way your thoughts spew out of your head tends to change the thoughts themselves. If you take too long constructing expression meant to be so… Deconstructed, things start to pile up in the back of your brain. Like a traffic jam of some sort. You know how it is, people start rubbernecking and things slow down to a crawl even though it’s just a duck sitting in the grass 5ft from the road. And when thoughts get jammed up, they ferment. They get all… Funny. And I ain’t talkin’ humourous, either. It’s the way that something that was your own all of the sudden grows half a dozen limbs and walks off in a completely new direction, leaving you wondering where the hell it went. ‘Home skoold’, eh? Yeah, no thanks. I see the point, and I’d entertain it if it didn’t mean getting distracted by ducks.

Verbal Doodle - “Half the lies I tell you are not true.”

Half the lies I tell you are not true. And I know what you’re thinking – this is one of those wonderfully tepid logic games. And I guess it is. But when you’re sitting across from a pair of pocket knives, there comes a point where you start to question things. Was that dress really red, I wonder? What about that dinner – would it have been better with turkey or with a roast? They’re all equally moot points by now, of course. But these things tend to burn at the back of your skull. So while I sit here, with you… What burns at your skull, I wonder? Are these half-truths worth the time and frustration to unravel, or does it simply get to the point where you throw away the dress and skip a meal? Some things, perhaps, aren’t meant to be known. And the other half of things, well… That’s up to you and what you do with a lonesome duo of blades.

Bits n' Pieces

Ok, this is it. I've been complaining about a lack of concentration since I've gotten back, but that stops now. Friday night I sat down and pounded out an assignment that was due the next day, and it felt good to be locked in for several hours on the task at hand. I need more of that. Less distractions and stalling. Time to get 'er done. I still need to focus on my personal goals, but I think that if I make the most of my designated work time, I'll be in good shape.

In other news, I just bought be some drugs. Of the hippy variety. That's right, I loaded up on a bunch of natural supplement pill... things. Omega 3, Vitamin B Complex (ooh, that sounds impressive...), and Probiotics. I followed a suggestion from a friend of mine who knows much more about such things than I can wrap my head around. Which lead me to spend the equivalent of 50% of my monthly grocery budget. So if it's a bust, it'll be an expensive bust. But if it does some good, then it'll be worth it. It's a a bit of a pricey fix until I finish school and I'll be able to start really focusing on maintaining my health. We'll see how it goes. I wish I could get out and exercise more, though. Oh well, first things first...

Looks like I'm buying an iPod Nano. Bleh. My old iPod Touch died, and so my uncle lent me one he wasn't using. Which I'm still using. And I should probably give it back to him. So after much looking around, I figured I'd try out a Sansa Clip+. Which sucked. Very small, very basic device. Which was okay, in theory. It had a microSD slot, so I figured it could work. And then came the fatal flaw - it doesn't support play counts. Also, SongBird didn't quite work. The playlist support was... odd, and it didn't let you check/uncheck tracks for syncing. I could work around the software management, but losing play counts broke the deal. So after looking around, I couldn't find any decent or affordable alternatives, so I broke down and ordered a 16GB Nano. I just don't have the time/energy to keep looking at some of the bajillion players out there, or to screw around with migrating my music library. Ideally, I wish I had a 12GB iPod Mini. That wasn't made by Apple. I don't want a touch screen, I don't need a colour screen either. I just want to be able to easily access and manage my music, not through iTunes. Alas... Such a device doesn't exist. Like I said, hopefully when I get more time/energy I'd like to find an affordable non-Apple solution. But until then, I have to admit... The Nano is pretty decent bang for buck. Really wish I wouldn't be stuck with that stupid touch screen, though.

I spent yesterday evening with some friends. I made dinner, and we watched some Top Gear. It was a good evening. The episode was a bit... Lack luster, though. It felt too scripted. And I think their budgets for getting cars were way too high. I'm worried that that show, as much as I adore it, is getting to formulaic. But I'll keep on watching. 'Cuz face it... It's Top Gear. It's the best television show... in the wuhld.

Anyways. As you can tell by this wonderfully disjointed smattering of mere word-things, my head is in a really weird place right now. Actually, it's in a few different places. But hopefully this won't last long. Until then... Just gunna keep on truckin'.
-Cril

Orbit - Transient

Verbal Doodle - "Larry Made Me Late."

In the one academic class I have this semester, our prof is getting us to do a "verbal doodle" once a week, where he gives us a starting phrase and we write for 4-5 minutes based off of that. I'll post 'em, just 'cuz I can. This one is from last Friday:

Larry made me late. That jerk. I never quite understood what his problem was. One thing led to another, and before I knew it, there was one too many tuna fish on my desk. Which is odd, considering how large my desk is. But I digress. You see, Larry is the sort of guy that does what comes to mind. Usually, the first thing that comes to mind. It’s nice to see that kind of spontaneity from time to time, but it gets a bit tiring to be around. Either way, here I am. And I am indeed here now. But late. And I blame Larry for that. Him and that damn tuna fish.

Tak tak tak.

So, I've finished my first week. It seems like I have a pretty good lineup of professors, and I think the project outlines look pretty encouraging too. If I didn't have the New York trip, an internship and a portfolio show...thing to worry about, I think I'd be feeling a lot more optimistic about the semester. Lots to do, lots to do.

I've done a miniscule amount of homework this week, and I had a really difficult time focusing. I feel all sorts of jumbled and distracted.

...like now. I just don't got no inspirations. I don't really feel much of a drive. Kind of a scary feeling, especially as school starts up. I think this has a lot to do with the lack of sleep over the past couple months.

But, er, yeah. I'm going to stop here. This is pointless. At least I wrote something, right? Gotta stick to those goals...
-Cril

Hans Zimmer - Discombobulate

An Addled Republic

So I started classes this week. Friday was some academic (3hr) course, and Saturday was a studio (6hr) course. I'm pretty happy with my professors so far. They seem like really good dudes, and I'm excited for what we'll cover. I know it's way too early to tell, but I have a slightly better feeling about this semester than the last one. Mind you, that doesn't take into account that I have classes all day Saturday and then none on Monday. It's like switching Sunday and Saturday around, and my internal clock is already feeling befuddled.

All of these good vibes start to fade a bit when I think of everything else that's going on, though. I'm going on a trip with a bunch of classmates to New York over reading break. I'm sure it'll be a great experience, but it'll be a pretty exhausting thing to do in the middle of the semester. That, and between paying for tickets and such and not being able to go to work that week, my wallet will feel the pain. Pretty quick after I get back there'll be a portfolio show too, which I'll need to get my stuff ready for. Then there's an internship I need to do in the spring, which I've yet to do anything for. Add on top of this a smattering of work and freelance with a pinch of personal goals... Bleh. It's easy to feel overwhelmed. I keep on finding myself thinking, "But wait - I have Mondays off! I can do this!" Only to realize seconds later that, oh right, I don't have Saturdays off any more.

I've been working on doing a better job defining some of the personal goals I've made. Breaking them down into more specific, to-do style tasks. That's making me feel simultaneously confident ("hey, I think I'll be able to do that one thing") and overwhelmed ("...those are a lot of things"). We'll see how it goes. On the plus side, I'm not week into the new year and I've been keeping up with both my sketching and playing music. And as of right now, my blog writing too. That's gotta count for something.

There's a lot I have going on in my head, though. If I had entire week to myself, I still feel like it wouldn't be enough to get it all down my journal.
-Cril

As we've written our stories to entertain
These notions of glory and bull market gain
The teleprompter flutters, the power surge brings
An easy speed message falls into routine

Providence blinked, facing the sun
Where are we left to carry on
Until the day is done
Until the day is done

R.E.M - Until the Day is Done

Ring In

So, 2012, eh? Or rather, a lack of 2011, eh? In years previous I've done a big ol' wrap up thing, where I said what my favourite movie/album/game/event/food/weather pattern/colour/screwdriver head was. Buuuut... Not this year. 2011 wasn't a whole lot of fun, I've gotta say. It was another year of school and work, nothing too notable. Well, financially, the year went a bit better than I expected. Alas, like every year, I still had two significant car issues.

Over the last few months, though, it seems like I've been hit upside the head with the Brick of Existentialism. The resulting haze has left me stumbling and fumbling around with a fistful of uncertainties that are keeping me up at night. But, oddly enough, I've come away with a couple of important realizations. I'm not sure if they're directly the result of said existentialist ponderings or if they just happened to come along at the same time and as a result of other things that have been transpiring. What are those realizations? Drawing/sketching and making music are important to me. Ok, so maybe they're more 'rediscoveries', but that still counts, right?

It's kinda sad that it's taken me this long to figure these two things out. I think that taking the illustration course last fall really killed what enjoyment I got out of drawing. It's tough when everything you do is to meant to be evaluated and scrutinized. I produced some good pieces that I'm really proud of, for sure, but along the way I completely lost sight of whatever personal fulfillment I got from the process. And over the last two months, I've found that I really enjoy drawing when it's meant for me. Not only that, but I've found that I enjoy drawing in a physical sketchbook. I still want to do more digital stuff, but I've been doing all sketchbook stuff over the winter break so far, and I've been having a good time with it.

The need to make music started with a classmate who started keeping a guitar in the studio at the beginning of the year. He'd pick it up and noodle away during break and during the weekends we spent on campus. It was fun to watch, and nice to listen to. I picked it up to try it maybe twice before the summer break, but his musical antics were enough to persuade me to go and buy a cheap ukulele. And I fell in love with it, strumming out stupid little chords. I can't sing along to save my life, but it's such a great feeling to sit there and mess around. And you know you've found something good when you think to yourself "I'll just play for ten minutes and then I'll get back to work", and when you look up you realize that forty minutes had swept by while you were trying to figure out that one chord progression. It's a great feeling. Bad for my work ethic, of course, but a great feeling nonetheless. And now I find myself with a mandolin that is just as easy and addictive to play. I've been neglecting the sax a bit, though. When I get that out I get totally sucked in. It's a 1.5hr commitment, at minimum.

And I've also kinda figured that, yeah, writing is important too. This is generally one of the first casualties to the start of a new semester, but I get a lot out of it when I do it. There's a certain peace from knowing that my ideas have been recorded somewhere and won't be a victim to my poor memory. Then there's the cathartic/expressive part to it, being able to form thoughts into coherent words, sorting things out in my head so that they make sense. And then with some more frustrating things, it's a liberating thing to get it out and put it online, so that it can grow its own wings to fly away from me.

I'm usually not the one for cliche, optimistic New Years resolutions. But I seem to have a long, growing list of things I want to change or do differently. So here is three of the more obvious ones. I'm going to keep doing blog posts (at least) once a week, homework be damned. They may be short and stupid and disjointed, but they'll happen.

I'm also going to keep sketching regularly. Don't know if I'll do it every day or not, but hopefully at least a couple of times a week. If nothing else, I want to regularly attend figure drawing, which happens once a week.

Finally, keep playing instruments, at least a few times a week. Pretty similar to sketching - try and find the time to make it happen as regularly as possible. Keeping the ukulele at school will make it easy to play. The trick will be the mandolin and sax, which I keep at home. I'll need to make the time to be here with the energy to do it.

Something to shoot for. These are probably going to be the three easier goals for me to tackle, but I think it doesn't make them less important. It'll help me to spend some time not working, if anything else, which I'm sure I could use.

So, yeah. 2011 kinda sucked. But I think it might be the start of... Something. And maybe 2012 is going to suck too, as I try and see that something through. But hopefully that path will make life better as I travel farther along it. Okay, Mr. 2012. Let's see where we go from here.
-Cril

Ring out, wild bells, to the wild sky
The flying cloud, the frosty light
The year is dying in the night
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die
The year is dying in the night
Ring out, wild bells, and let him die

Ring out the old, ring in the new
Ring, happy bells, across the snow
The year is going, let him go
Ring out the false, ring in the true
The year is going, let him go
Ring out the false, ring in the true

Mormon Tabernacle Choir - Ring Out, Wild Bells