Oi. What a crazy three weeks.
First off, convocation. I done gradiated with Distinction, whatever that means. The ceremony itself was kinda so-so... I brought my uke with me, though. I figured that if I had gone the last two years with the thing under my arm, I may as well take it through the final stroll across a stage with diploma in hand. When it was time to shake the president's hand, he said "I want to ask you about the ukulele..." to which I replied, "Yeah, the tuba was just too big, so I brought this instead." There wasn't a whole lot else that happened. Standing around in warm, goofy-lookin' robes, lots of clapping while people went on stage to get their pieces of paper, and walking some friends and family around the graduating exhibition. That last part was pretty awkward; what had become everyday and familiar to me immediately raised eyebrows amongst those closest to me that hadn't had the pleasure of spending four years in an art school. On another note, and before I forget, I just wanted to mention that I was nominated for the Board of Governor's Award. There's one given out for each department, and only the best two students are eligible. Fun fact: the student that won got her application in after the date. I should've gotten it by default, and while that sucks, the truth is that she definitely deserved it. But being nominated is pretty good too, I guess. And people wonder why I'm not getting excited over this (possible) NY opportunity. I've been shafted twice by ACAD over the last year, losing out on scholarships/awards due to administrative shenanigans (the other time was when I was told I was chosen for a pretty decent scholarship only to discover it was a "mistake in the system").
The very next day, after convocating, I flew out to San Francisco on a business trip to work at the Maker Faire as a glorified salesman. Not my preferred profession, sure, but I've done it several times before and any excuse to travel is always a good one. The trip went pretty much the same as it had the other 2-3 times I've gone. Long hours, lots of work. The bosses really wanted us to attend parties/socialize/network at the end of each day, but I was INCREDIBLY burnt out not only from the long hours, but because of all the time spent socializing at convocation too. And introvert can only take so many crowds, yo. But I did the best I could, and brought my uke so I had something to hide behind.
The interesting thing about this trip this year was the driving. I was the main driver for me and my coworkers, and our rental was a (fairly gutless) Chrysler 200. Convertible. Unfortunately, one of said coworkers wasn't too fond of the wind, so we didn't have the top down as often as we could've. But when we did, it sure was glorious. The driving itself, though, was... Troubling. I made a bunch of REALLY STUPID mistakes. Borderline dangerous in a couple spots. I want to say, "Strange roads! New car!" in my defense, but I really don't think that cuts it. It really freaked me out how terrible I did. It was really a HUGE kick in the gut, considering it was my first dose of significant driving since I had the accident. And then...
On the second last day, we drove out to the beach at Half Moon Bay. With the top down. On a beautiful spring morning, along a twisty highway road. Once we arrived, I got out and laid down on the pavement to soak in what I had just experienced.
You spend a lot of time telling yourself "I can't afford a car right now, and public transit is working out okay for me. Yeah, driving is fun and all, but it's not really that special." And then you realize that it really is that special. Feels like you've just cheated yourself. All of the sudden, I realized what I've been missing out on, and just how incredible that experience is. It really kinda gutted me, especially considering it'll be at least another year before I'll have a car.
And I think to myself, "That was amazing, I remember what I've been denying myself. I really need to be driving again." But all that passion and excitement and emotional high doesn't do anything to offset the fact that I might not really be fit to be driving. It was scary how overwhelmed I got by the big bad city driving, and the stupid mistakes I made. I can't help but wonder how I would've done if I had been driving for the last year, if I'm getting rusty because of all the time I've spent away from the wheel. Maybe driving a car isn't like riding a bike. Maybe if you don't use it, you do indeed lose it.
That's a scary thought.
-Cril
Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream
Lacuna Coil - Losing my Religion
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Re: Competition
After looking over the last post, I've come to the realization that I'm a really competitive guy. And I'm really not to happy about that. But at the same time, I'm not. Let me elaborate. Or try to, at least.
I think I tend to have an on/off mode with things - I really want to do something well, or I'd really rather not put my self in place to compete at all. It's a pretty binary thing. There were some people at school that were totally content with that middle ground; their work was rather mediocre, they didn't log any overly long hours to get things done... And they were okay with that. That wasn't my schtick, though. I wanted to push things and try to make something above average. Maybe I didn't have the sheer skill, but I could dump a lot of time and concentration into something to move it along.
Now, my goal wasn't to be able to say "YES, I DID BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU AND YOU." I just wanted to make something good. And that's kinda been my schtick. Make something good. And good, for me I guess, is defined as something like "better than average". And by default, that puts me into competition with ye average design student. But I'm really not interested in competing. I don't want scoreboards, I don't want attention. With the few times I've received scholarships or whatever, I don't go around telling everyone; I'm really self-concious about it and really don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'll tell a few close friends, but that's about it.
It's not about being above other people, I just want to fuel my own internal desire to be good at something. And that's why I haven't looked at my grades in a couple of years - I don't want to compete with other students, and I really can't stand that feeling of "you screwed that up, you should've/could've done better." And, as I've always told myself, the grades don't matter. What matters is what the actual industry people want.
And that's what I discovered at the portfolio show - that the industry people weren't too terribly interested. So... I'm not quite as 'good' as I was hoping (...yet?), while other people are. They're the ones that get the opportunities that I was looking for as an indication that I had achieve said 'good', if not 'exceptional'. Sigh. Someday, someday.
So, just to recap: I really don't want to be competitive, but I want to be good at what I do. The problem, though, is that the only way I can do this is through competition, to some degree.
Life sure is weird and boggling sometimes.
-Cril
And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you
Pink Martini - Hold on Little Tomato
I think I tend to have an on/off mode with things - I really want to do something well, or I'd really rather not put my self in place to compete at all. It's a pretty binary thing. There were some people at school that were totally content with that middle ground; their work was rather mediocre, they didn't log any overly long hours to get things done... And they were okay with that. That wasn't my schtick, though. I wanted to push things and try to make something above average. Maybe I didn't have the sheer skill, but I could dump a lot of time and concentration into something to move it along.
Now, my goal wasn't to be able to say "YES, I DID BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU AND YOU." I just wanted to make something good. And that's kinda been my schtick. Make something good. And good, for me I guess, is defined as something like "better than average". And by default, that puts me into competition with ye average design student. But I'm really not interested in competing. I don't want scoreboards, I don't want attention. With the few times I've received scholarships or whatever, I don't go around telling everyone; I'm really self-concious about it and really don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'll tell a few close friends, but that's about it.
It's not about being above other people, I just want to fuel my own internal desire to be good at something. And that's why I haven't looked at my grades in a couple of years - I don't want to compete with other students, and I really can't stand that feeling of "you screwed that up, you should've/could've done better." And, as I've always told myself, the grades don't matter. What matters is what the actual industry people want.
And that's what I discovered at the portfolio show - that the industry people weren't too terribly interested. So... I'm not quite as 'good' as I was hoping (...yet?), while other people are. They're the ones that get the opportunities that I was looking for as an indication that I had achieve said 'good', if not 'exceptional'. Sigh. Someday, someday.
So, just to recap: I really don't want to be competitive, but I want to be good at what I do. The problem, though, is that the only way I can do this is through competition, to some degree.
Life sure is weird and boggling sometimes.
-Cril
And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you
Pink Martini - Hold on Little Tomato
Sunday, May 05, 2013
Last Day at Art School
I was sitting at the desk in the front the front of the empty studio, with my feet propped up. I was feeling rather brain dead and was strumming away on my uke, listening to the notes reverberate back and forth between the walls of my skull. A bunch of students walked by, and as they continued on their way down the hall with their conversation fading off into the distance, one of them saw me and said to another (pretending to be me), "Noooo, I don't want to leave." To which another replied, "Ha ha, we should tell him he doesn't have to say. Chris, go home, ha ha ha."
Okay, yes, to some degree I'm probably feeling a bit sentimental about the whole thing, being that I've completed my last class. But a big part of it is not having much of a home to go back to. I spend about 90 hours a week in the studio, and it's just simply a place to be. Part of it is because I still have work to do (graduation requirements, portfolio fixing, etc), and this is where I do work. And part of why I was sitting in the studio alone, strumming to myself is because I wanna be alone.
We had the portfolio show yesterday, where I had the crashing realization that, well... My stuff isn't quite as sharp as everyone else's. The classmate to one side scored several business cards to fallow up on, the classmate to the other side got a job offer and an interview. And I got... Lots of lukewarm (or 'lukecool', if that's a word) reception to my stuff. People were most interested in my lasered business cards, rather than any of my work itself.
Kinda leaves me feeling rather... Unsure about things. I mean, I really don't know how I fit into this whole design picture. I really don't know if I'm meant for more information design, branding, advertising, editorial... And my portfolio reflected that. Kinda all over the place, and no one piece particularly strong. I'm not quite sure what I should be doing. The bigger and uglier question, of course, is whether or not I've just thrown away four years on education in a field that I'm really not particularly capable, no matter the man hours I seem to throw into it.
Now, truth be told, I did get two people that were somewhat interested in the animation work I've done, but that was kind of a let down because they were interested in the fact that it was motion, period. Not because it was necessarily good motion. And when that sits beside all the other stuff that I had put so much more time into that doesn't manage to grab attention... Bleh. In a way, I'm glad I have a (possible) opportunity to do another year of school, as if I can hide behind that rather than face the fact that I might not have much going for me professionally, and I won't get the opportunities I wish I could have.
It always sucks when you discover that you aren't quite as good at something as you had hoped. Maybe I'm more competitive than I thought, or maybe I can never quite see my own work through a satisfied lens, or maybe all this is fueled by the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with graduation. Probably all of the above.
Anyways, it is what it is. Nothing is for certain, life will go on. I may not be that good, but I'm pretty sure I'm not horrendous. And as long as there's an opening for a Not Horrendous Designer position, I have a chance. Just gotta keep them bills paid, yo. And find happiness in the small things along the way.
The moon last night was round and yellow and massive, hovering over the city skyline as if it was going to crush it all. It was gorgeous.
-Cril
G CMaj7
v v ^ ^ ^ ^ v ^ v ^
F C
v v ^ ^ ^ ^ v ^ v ^
Me - Grad Song
I went to two (!!) parties after I made this post. As with most parties, I spent most my time standing/stitting in a corner a listening to people converse. Such is the nature of being an introvert, preferring to observe than to participate in this particular flavour of shenanigans.
The first party was actually hosted by one of my professors, who has pretty much in charge of fourth year studies. His house was incredible, as you'd expect someone of his intelligence and visual passion to be. It was nice to be around some of these professors in a non-academic setting for once. And even though I didn't do much in the way of talking, I was glad to be there. Near the end as things were wrapping up, he became very fatherly in a way, saying how proud he was of us and that we were a special year. In fact, this was the first time in five years that he hosted such a party, which he used to do every year. He said to make sure that we all try teaching at some point, and pointed to me saying that I understood, because I spent my Friday nights tutoring. We was pretty concerned as we left, due to those that were driving after taking a few drinks. Before I left, he shook my hand and told me that he learned a lot from me. It meant a lot to hear that, despite not knowing what he learned.
Then we all migrated to another party at a fellow student's place. Lots more drinking and games. Overly loud music. I had a looooong discussion with a very drunk classmate about philosophy religion and relationships. Over the course of the evening, I learned that plenty more individuals didn't get any exciting opportunities out of the portfolio show, which I found kinda comforting. Eventually I left around 10, after yelling out that it had been a pleasure to work with everyone that was in attendance, which received many cheers. Stepping outside into the cool spring night was a breath of fresh air, for my lungs and soul alike. Such gatherings are always fun, but it's always draining for me. Such is the way I'm wired, I suppose, but I never resent anyone for having a good time.
I'm trying to let go of things, and be okay with the fact that I'm not as good as I was hoping to be. Some people are naturally talented. And a result, those people are going to go places. My prof, before shaking my hand at the end of that party, approached two students (including Dylan, the closest friend I've had during my time at ACAD) and told them not to forget where they came from. You could tell that he knew these two students were going onwards and upwards. Me... Maybe not so much.
I guess I had assumed that the more hours you put into something meant that you'd get better than those that had not. If I were to crunch the numbers, I've spent maybe 60hrs a week for 40 weeks of the year doing hardcore graphic design stuff. That works out to 9600 hours over the course of the last four years. That means, according to some, I'm a mere 400 hours away from mastering visual communications. My mistake, though, is to assume that all hours are made equal. I logged my hours, and I worked hard to log more than most others did. But for Dylan, one hour is worth two or three of mine. Or, maybe, for most people, one of my hours is only worth 0.5 of theirs. And that's just the way it is.
I'll keep working, I'll keep creating. I may or may not ever be world-class. I may not ever have anyone that looks at me with any kind of awe or professional respect. I am not and may never be of that calibre.
But not everyone can be of that calibre, and only a few can get there, regardless of the 10,000 or 20,000 or 100,000 hours they put in. For me, I'm happy that one person (in this case my prof) shook my hand and told me that I was able to give him something. Yeah, I wanna be good at what I do and have all the opportunities and be wealthy. But there's more to life than that. And if I can make someone else's life better, well... Those are hours well spent.
Okay, yes, to some degree I'm probably feeling a bit sentimental about the whole thing, being that I've completed my last class. But a big part of it is not having much of a home to go back to. I spend about 90 hours a week in the studio, and it's just simply a place to be. Part of it is because I still have work to do (graduation requirements, portfolio fixing, etc), and this is where I do work. And part of why I was sitting in the studio alone, strumming to myself is because I wanna be alone.
We had the portfolio show yesterday, where I had the crashing realization that, well... My stuff isn't quite as sharp as everyone else's. The classmate to one side scored several business cards to fallow up on, the classmate to the other side got a job offer and an interview. And I got... Lots of lukewarm (or 'lukecool', if that's a word) reception to my stuff. People were most interested in my lasered business cards, rather than any of my work itself.
Kinda leaves me feeling rather... Unsure about things. I mean, I really don't know how I fit into this whole design picture. I really don't know if I'm meant for more information design, branding, advertising, editorial... And my portfolio reflected that. Kinda all over the place, and no one piece particularly strong. I'm not quite sure what I should be doing. The bigger and uglier question, of course, is whether or not I've just thrown away four years on education in a field that I'm really not particularly capable, no matter the man hours I seem to throw into it.
Now, truth be told, I did get two people that were somewhat interested in the animation work I've done, but that was kind of a let down because they were interested in the fact that it was motion, period. Not because it was necessarily good motion. And when that sits beside all the other stuff that I had put so much more time into that doesn't manage to grab attention... Bleh. In a way, I'm glad I have a (possible) opportunity to do another year of school, as if I can hide behind that rather than face the fact that I might not have much going for me professionally, and I won't get the opportunities I wish I could have.
It always sucks when you discover that you aren't quite as good at something as you had hoped. Maybe I'm more competitive than I thought, or maybe I can never quite see my own work through a satisfied lens, or maybe all this is fueled by the anxiety and uncertainty that comes with graduation. Probably all of the above.
Anyways, it is what it is. Nothing is for certain, life will go on. I may not be that good, but I'm pretty sure I'm not horrendous. And as long as there's an opening for a Not Horrendous Designer position, I have a chance. Just gotta keep them bills paid, yo. And find happiness in the small things along the way.
The moon last night was round and yellow and massive, hovering over the city skyline as if it was going to crush it all. It was gorgeous.
-Cril
G CMaj7
v v ^ ^ ^ ^ v ^ v ^
F C
v v ^ ^ ^ ^ v ^ v ^
Me - Grad Song
I went to two (!!) parties after I made this post. As with most parties, I spent most my time standing/stitting in a corner a listening to people converse. Such is the nature of being an introvert, preferring to observe than to participate in this particular flavour of shenanigans.
The first party was actually hosted by one of my professors, who has pretty much in charge of fourth year studies. His house was incredible, as you'd expect someone of his intelligence and visual passion to be. It was nice to be around some of these professors in a non-academic setting for once. And even though I didn't do much in the way of talking, I was glad to be there. Near the end as things were wrapping up, he became very fatherly in a way, saying how proud he was of us and that we were a special year. In fact, this was the first time in five years that he hosted such a party, which he used to do every year. He said to make sure that we all try teaching at some point, and pointed to me saying that I understood, because I spent my Friday nights tutoring. We was pretty concerned as we left, due to those that were driving after taking a few drinks. Before I left, he shook my hand and told me that he learned a lot from me. It meant a lot to hear that, despite not knowing what he learned.
Then we all migrated to another party at a fellow student's place. Lots more drinking and games. Overly loud music. I had a looooong discussion with a very drunk classmate about philosophy religion and relationships. Over the course of the evening, I learned that plenty more individuals didn't get any exciting opportunities out of the portfolio show, which I found kinda comforting. Eventually I left around 10, after yelling out that it had been a pleasure to work with everyone that was in attendance, which received many cheers. Stepping outside into the cool spring night was a breath of fresh air, for my lungs and soul alike. Such gatherings are always fun, but it's always draining for me. Such is the way I'm wired, I suppose, but I never resent anyone for having a good time.
I'm trying to let go of things, and be okay with the fact that I'm not as good as I was hoping to be. Some people are naturally talented. And a result, those people are going to go places. My prof, before shaking my hand at the end of that party, approached two students (including Dylan, the closest friend I've had during my time at ACAD) and told them not to forget where they came from. You could tell that he knew these two students were going onwards and upwards. Me... Maybe not so much.
I guess I had assumed that the more hours you put into something meant that you'd get better than those that had not. If I were to crunch the numbers, I've spent maybe 60hrs a week for 40 weeks of the year doing hardcore graphic design stuff. That works out to 9600 hours over the course of the last four years. That means, according to some, I'm a mere 400 hours away from mastering visual communications. My mistake, though, is to assume that all hours are made equal. I logged my hours, and I worked hard to log more than most others did. But for Dylan, one hour is worth two or three of mine. Or, maybe, for most people, one of my hours is only worth 0.5 of theirs. And that's just the way it is.
I'll keep working, I'll keep creating. I may or may not ever be world-class. I may not ever have anyone that looks at me with any kind of awe or professional respect. I am not and may never be of that calibre.
But not everyone can be of that calibre, and only a few can get there, regardless of the 10,000 or 20,000 or 100,000 hours they put in. For me, I'm happy that one person (in this case my prof) shook my hand and told me that I was able to give him something. Yeah, I wanna be good at what I do and have all the opportunities and be wealthy. But there's more to life than that. And if I can make someone else's life better, well... Those are hours well spent.
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