Saturday, March 01, 2014

Priorities Between Two Blinks

"You know that this class is your top priority, right?"

I blinked twice before my portfolio class professor, taken aback at my hesitation, repeated her question in the form of a statement. "This class is your top priority."

Right after she initially asked, I decided to actually figure out what the actual answer was. I knew what she wanted to hear, of course, but for some reason I felt the need to had to consciously consider the question and arrive at a conclusion. Do you remember the scene in the Matrix, where Neo asks for, "Guns, lots of guns"?

During those two blinks, I watched in horror as priorities, lots of priorities seemed to rush out of nowhere to meet me. But instead of gun racks, they were lists. Endless lists of priorities, whizzing past me. To be honest, I think it might be more of a cross between this Matrix scene and when Dave is dazed while travelling through a tunnel of light in 2001: A Space Odyssey.

So she asked: "You know this class is your top priority, right?"

And I thought:

I need to file taxes. For two countries. I don't even know HOW I'm going to do my Canadian taxes.

I really need to clean the kitchen and bathroom. They're getting kinda grungy.

End of the month is coming up. I need to pay rent.

I'm going to need to start making payments on my student loans soon. How does that even work? I don't even have any income right now even if I wanted to start making payments.

I have five classes I need to do homework for. Most seniors at this school take either one or two classes in the final semester, but I'm all the way in the other direction. And while my Portfolio class prof throroughly believes her class is the only one that matters, I'm just not capable of totally dropping out of all my other classes or just doing the bare minimum necessary to get by. And, damnit, I'm really actually kind of enjoying some of those classes and I don't want to slack off on them. I want to get everything I can out of them.

So, okay, Portfolio Class. Yes, technically the most important one. It basically sums of the entirety of my time at SVA, and me as a professional and a person. I have to create pieces for it, and then I need to actually make it. A phenominal amount of work. But to be honest, I don't enjoy the class and I don't want to do the work.

But, in theory, Portfolio class will set me up with what I'll need to look/apply for work. But maybe not. There's a weird thing at SVA where students make portfolios for internal review, and I'm not sure if they'll work for industry prospects. So there's a chance I'll need to make my own, separate portfolio.

(First blink.)

Apparently most people these days are expecting applicants to be showing work on an iPad/tablet, with video and such. Do I need to start shopping around for a tablet? That's hella expensive for something I'll only use for interviews.

In any case, I need websites! Squarespace! Behance! Augh!

But before I do that, I need an identity. Personal branding! Logo! Business cards!

But before all that, I need to talk with my landlord about extending my lease for two months to cover the space between finishing school and deportation, assuming I don't find a job.

I NEED TO FIND A JOB. HOLY CRAP. It's been so long since I've worked steadily. The general gist is that, at minimum, it takes at least a month to find a job, and I need to leave the country in two. Is that even enough time to actually find a job, let alone have a work visa filed for me in order to stay? Is this doable?

Yes, okay, I know I should be applying now and I should be networking now. But I'm buried in homework. I don't have the time to do those things, and I won't until I finish school.

My Portfolio prof (seriously, for as much as a rag on her, she's a sweet lady that really cares) told me the other day that I approach design like a scientist - all the reason and thinking is sound, but without any aesthetic or artistic inclinations. And she's right. This has been something I've been slowly discovering over the last year or so - I'm not a true-blue artist. I'm an electrician in a room full of painters, and I stand out like a sore thumb. All technical capability, but zero intuitive visual talent. What the hell am I even doing in this field? Am I in the right place? What if no one wants to hire me? What if I do get hired, but amount to anything of significance? What if I get a career in some alternate field, like burger flipping? Will this all go to waste?

I really, truly, absolutely wish I was less ambitious and competitive. I just want to stop worrying about trying to impress and have status of some sort, and instead just... Be.

What happens if I end not finding work in New York? I'll be the first ACAD student that's attended SVA and not been able to stay. What does that mean? And even then... Do I return to Calgary? Do I resume my old job, or look for something more design related? Where will I live? Where will I stay when I arrive there?

And what happens if I concentrate on getting the most out of all my classes as a whole, rather than putting everything into Portfolio class? Maybe I'll need a different portfolio all together to find work, which would mean this class isn't that important. But what if slacking off on this course will result in me missing out on opportunities as a result? Even if I do make this portfolio as great as humanly possible, what if visa issues prevent me from getting work anyways? Just how much of this really matters?

(Second blink.)

"This class is your top priority," she stated.

"Absolutely, of course," I responded.

---

I'm not sure how much of my response was sincere or not, but I obviously have a lot more on the go than that one stupid class. And as I'm entering the final half of my final semester, it's no wonder that I'm a bit overrun with anxieties ranging from banal to fundamentally existential. I went through something similar last year when I was facing graduation, and while this whole New York thing was a possibility on the horizon, I currently had a comfortable place to live and a decent job.

Here, now, nothing beyond the end of June is certain. Nothing. I don't know if I'll have work, or even what country I'll be living in. That kind of uncertainty is damn-near crippling. I'm doing the best I can, but... Wow this freaks me out.

The biggest pressure I'm feeling right now is a professional one. A big problem with the field I'm in is that it's competitive and full of idol-worship. It's about winning awards. Getting your name out there. Working on the big clients, going places, getting established, being ranked among the greats. So, as a result, my biggest desire is to stay, find work, and follow the Pantone Yellow, perfectly kerned Brick Road of the designer. It's the path we're all expected to follow.

Yeah, of course being a New York designer has lots of appeal. It'd look killer on a resume, and would probably really help me learn a lot. I'd get major bragging points, and it'd be awesome to work on some big clients. I could live here and be all sophisticated and see and do really cool things that you can't experience anywhere else in the world. It would be one hell of a life.

But I don't think I want to be famous. I want to be good at what I do, yeah, but I don't want to always be comparing myself to others. I want to work hard and do the best I can. I don't want awards or recognition. I want to work with people that I know and trust and look up to. I want those people to like working with me, and maybe even sometimes they can look up to me too.

I feel like I'm placed in a pressure cooker, about to explode out into the world.

I'm afraid of failing. I'm afraid of applying for work everywhere, and not getting accepted. Or getting accepted, but not being able to stay because of visa issues. I'm afraid of going back to Calgary and having to admit to my classmates and my prof (that pulled many a string to get me here) that I didn't have what it took to make it in the big time. I feel like this experience, a gift to go to a prestigious school in the worlds most incredible cities, came with an unwritten set of expectations. Expectations that because I was chosen to come here, that I somehow have special talent or potential to be/do something noteworthy. And it'll kill me to go home and say "Nope, sorry guys. I'm not that great." I mean, I want to be capable of doing well for myself professionally, and living it up in the big city. But what if I'm not capable?

I've always wondered why it was that my prof wanted me to come here. What he saw in me.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really excited to be here. It's probably the most incredible thing I've ever done with my life. On a personal level, it's been more fulfilling than I could've imagined, and I'll cherish these memories always. I just wish I had some faith in the professional side of things.

---

I was speaking to two people about some of these general concerns. A friend who's away studying for her Master's degree in Scotland told me that "Hey, NY is as big as it gets. The only way you'd feel smaller is if you were in Beiijing or something." That kinda took me aback for a moment. As a child, I grew up in a fishing village of 1000 people. Then as a young adult, I lived in a farming town of maybe 6000. Then I moved to a city of a million. And now, here I am, in one of the largest world class cities out there. I've kinda done the whole spectrum. It makes me realize how living in New York, for no matter how long, really represents how far I've gone on the scale of society. Really, for all intents and purposes, it doesn't get much bigger than this. I think that in itself deserves some recognition, to know that I've stepped out into the world and gone to such an extreme end of the spectrum. Points to me for getting there. And you know what? Maybe it's okay to not want to live in such an extreme.

Not long after that, I spoke with my Mom. I mentioned all the uncertainties that come along with completing school, and she offered up a pretty profound insight: I'm at a rare moment where I can choose what kind of life I want to have. I have no kids, no mortgage, no commitments. I can go wherever I want. I'm not tied down to anything.

Bam. Bombshell.

That is such a mind-blowing thing to consider - just when I thought that I was having enough trouble coping with the end of school and finding work, I'm suddenly aware of just how many options stretch before me. Options, lots of options.

After the initial shock of realizing how true that insight was and what kind of impact it could have on my life... My head went on an unexpected train ride. That maybe after I'm done school, if I can't find work in New York... Maybe I can continue my life adventure somewhere else. Maybe just because I can't make it work in NY, it doesn't necessarily mean I have to immediately return to my old stomping grounds. Maybe I can go somewhere... Else.

Part of this is purely escapism - deciding to do so immediately releases me from the ticking time bomb between school and my deportation date two months later, where I need to find work or go bust. It'd mean I wouldn't even have to look for work. It means I could go somewhere else not because I couldn't make it in New York, but because I wanted to go somewhere... Else. For me. Not because I'm a professional failure (of sorts) that can't make it in the big time, but because I didn't want to choose the big time in the first place. The big time was merely a stepping stone to some other destination.

Right now I really like this idea of going somewhere new, but I'm not completely sure if it's because I want to see more of the world and have more adventures, or because it gives me an easy way out from a lot of stress and the possibility of failure (and subsequent shame, however much that may or may not exactly exist). Hell, it could be a mixture of both.

But regardless, it's still a rather appealing possibility either way. Yeah, I'd like to settle and live a stable life for a while... However, I am young. This is my one chance to do things like this, to make some really good memories and experiences. Maybe I can afford to be aloof for a few years, to go and do strange things in strange places.

It's a shame that all my anxieties and concerns are strangling my ability to enjoy the last few months of my time in SVA, and possibly New York. But I know I'll be able to enjoy the city for a time after I finish school, and a slightly slower pace of life awaits. Just being done with school will be a pretty big weight off my shoulders. And beyond that, well, there are lots of possibilities. One part intimidating, one part scary, but one part... Kind of exciting.
-Cril

Oh well oh well so here we stand
But we stand for nothing
My heart calls to me in my sleep
How can I turn to it
'Cause I'm all locked up in this
Dark place -
And I do not know
I'm as good as dead
My head aches -
Warped and tied up
I need to kill this pain

My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm dead and gone
My head won't leave my head alone
And I don't believe it will
Until I'm six feet underground

Dave Matthews Band - Rhyme & Reason