Sometimes... You think a ghost has finally passed you by. It's as if you always knew it was there, but by making eye contact it suddenly come one step closer to forming a body of flesh and bones. So eventually you learn not to trust your instincts. Even though you can feel the whisp of an attic's breath over your shoulder, you restrain yourself from turning around. And slowly those breathes become more shallow and sporadic. Out of the corner of your eye, the ghost's once white sheen has now dulled to a cloud of dust caught in the sunlight. So you ask yourself, "was I imagining things all along?" And then...
BOO!
Back from no where, a body with bones and tears in tow. Dust to flesh, ash to breath. You suddenly swing from self doubt to plain old disbelief that you could possibly think things had faded away. There's an undeniably, very real ghost in the room and you aren't quite sure what to do about it.
Someone dropped back into my life this week. Or rather, they dropped something off. I thought this person had moved on, but instead has presented me with a perplexing token of their persistence. One that didn't even ask for a response. I thought we were done and moved on, another (bizarre) chapter closed. But apparently not.
So where do you go from here? Maybe, just maybe, I'll try once more to ignore that stale attic breath breezing over my shoulder. Wait for light to fade back to dust.
And then there'll be another unwarranted token to rejuvenate the cycle. My complacency and hope of the most anti-climactic resolution possible will no doubt be a reoccurring theme. But I swear this is the last time. I don't know how to fight ghosts, whether it be to their face or through an intermediary, but I'm sick of something lurking over my shoulder or beyond a doorway. Some way or another, one of us needs to find peace. It may as well be me.
Yadda yadda Ghostbusters.
-Cril
Nine Inch Nails - 8 Ghosts I
Sunday, November 16, 2014
Monday, November 10, 2014
Nine Hundred Forty Four
So I bought me a red, 1986 Porsche 944. It has about 160,000km on the odometer and is in pretty good shape for its age. And despite the pretty decent price I got it for, it was a stupid, stupid purchase. For many reasons.
It's old. It's finicky. There are many, many problems and quirks with 944's that make them... "High maintenance", to put it lightly. It's a front engined rear wheel drive car, which is quite possibly the worst combination for driving in snow. And that means, yes, I plan on driving it all year. Whatever mechanical problems it has are going to rapidly manifest themselves through Calgary's long, cold winter. Chances are, I'll be left stranded somewhere. It should also go without saying that being a fairly old import of a (relatively) niche brand, parts and service will be stupidly expensive. And there are many parts that are broken or are in the process of breaking.
But on the other hand... As soon as I got behind the wheel on my first test drive, I knew it was something special. It felt so solid and planted to the road. The steering wheel communicated everything that was going on, in a way I've never experienced before. It isn't high on power, but that didn't prevent it from immediately being the best car I've ever driven. And that's because it's a proper driver's car, I'd imagine.
The main thing, though, is that it's a total bucket list item. Yeah, I know a 944 is a full 33 increments away from a 911, but it's still a Porsche. And that's something I've wanted and dreamed about for 15 years. When I was looking at cars and it was rapidly apparent a new FR-S wasn't an option on the table, I wasn't particularly thrilled with any of my options (it was mainly between a Civic SiR or an RSX Type-S). But when it occured to me I could buy a 944, I was instantly excited again.
As a close friend pointed out... I don't have any kids to worry about or any major commitments. If I'm going to buy an impractical (seriously, you should see how big the "back seats" are) and unreliable car, now would be the best time to do it. Not to mention that after saving and doing the responsible thing for so long while I've been in school (and, quite frankly, since I started working full time after highschool)... It feels good to make a lunge for something that I really want, logistics or pragmatism be damned.
So it wasn't a rational purchase. No, it was a very, very emotional one. Which is a bit of a first for me.
I think what really pushed me over the edge were the pop-up headlights. That kind of cool-factor cannot be denied.
All this unraveled over the course of about a week of hectic test drives, phone calls, registry appointments, and insurance calls. By the end of the week when I finally had the car in my position I was feeling absolutely bagged and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually I realized that so many interactions and appointments with strangers every single day had really sucked a lot out of me.
Lo and behold, after I had finally sorted out my paperwork and acquired my plates and squirming through dinner with my room mates like a twelve year old desperate to get away from the supper table, I finally was able to go out for my first drive in my car.
And all of the sudden, I felt whole. Not just replenished, but more than I have been in a long time. More than the excitement of my first drive in a long while. I was driving a Porsche. Me. In my Porsche. It's like I'm finally setting off to experience the things I've always wanted to. As if there might be hope for me yet.
Despite all the hassles of the week and concerns about work and the gnawing anxiety about the reliability of the machine I now found myself driving...
All was right with the world.
-Cril
And above me if there is nothing and no one knew I really care
It's just a now, a now I prefer, not the future and not the past
So put the chairs to one side and let us dance
It's a strange kind of peace
It's a kind of peace, it's a strange kind of peace
It's a kind of peace
Faithless - A Kind Of Peace
It's old. It's finicky. There are many, many problems and quirks with 944's that make them... "High maintenance", to put it lightly. It's a front engined rear wheel drive car, which is quite possibly the worst combination for driving in snow. And that means, yes, I plan on driving it all year. Whatever mechanical problems it has are going to rapidly manifest themselves through Calgary's long, cold winter. Chances are, I'll be left stranded somewhere. It should also go without saying that being a fairly old import of a (relatively) niche brand, parts and service will be stupidly expensive. And there are many parts that are broken or are in the process of breaking.
But on the other hand... As soon as I got behind the wheel on my first test drive, I knew it was something special. It felt so solid and planted to the road. The steering wheel communicated everything that was going on, in a way I've never experienced before. It isn't high on power, but that didn't prevent it from immediately being the best car I've ever driven. And that's because it's a proper driver's car, I'd imagine.
The main thing, though, is that it's a total bucket list item. Yeah, I know a 944 is a full 33 increments away from a 911, but it's still a Porsche. And that's something I've wanted and dreamed about for 15 years. When I was looking at cars and it was rapidly apparent a new FR-S wasn't an option on the table, I wasn't particularly thrilled with any of my options (it was mainly between a Civic SiR or an RSX Type-S). But when it occured to me I could buy a 944, I was instantly excited again.
As a close friend pointed out... I don't have any kids to worry about or any major commitments. If I'm going to buy an impractical (seriously, you should see how big the "back seats" are) and unreliable car, now would be the best time to do it. Not to mention that after saving and doing the responsible thing for so long while I've been in school (and, quite frankly, since I started working full time after highschool)... It feels good to make a lunge for something that I really want, logistics or pragmatism be damned.
So it wasn't a rational purchase. No, it was a very, very emotional one. Which is a bit of a first for me.
I think what really pushed me over the edge were the pop-up headlights. That kind of cool-factor cannot be denied.
All this unraveled over the course of about a week of hectic test drives, phone calls, registry appointments, and insurance calls. By the end of the week when I finally had the car in my position I was feeling absolutely bagged and I couldn't figure out why. Eventually I realized that so many interactions and appointments with strangers every single day had really sucked a lot out of me.
Lo and behold, after I had finally sorted out my paperwork and acquired my plates and squirming through dinner with my room mates like a twelve year old desperate to get away from the supper table, I finally was able to go out for my first drive in my car.
And all of the sudden, I felt whole. Not just replenished, but more than I have been in a long time. More than the excitement of my first drive in a long while. I was driving a Porsche. Me. In my Porsche. It's like I'm finally setting off to experience the things I've always wanted to. As if there might be hope for me yet.
Despite all the hassles of the week and concerns about work and the gnawing anxiety about the reliability of the machine I now found myself driving...
All was right with the world.
-Cril
And above me if there is nothing and no one knew I really care
It's just a now, a now I prefer, not the future and not the past
So put the chairs to one side and let us dance
It's a strange kind of peace
It's a kind of peace, it's a strange kind of peace
It's a kind of peace
Faithless - A Kind Of Peace
Sunday, November 02, 2014
Wheels and the Deals Thereof
So I've been car hunting this weekend. Cruising the classifieds and such. I'm currently in a bizarre state of one part excitement and two parts anxiety.
Excitement: I can't WAIT to have a car! There's so many to choose from! I want them all!
Anxiety: I need to get a good deal. I sure can't get something that'll go to hell on me... It needs to be reliable and economic. This is a pretty substantial investment. And it also needs to be fun, too. This is hard work.
In some pathetic way, the anxiety part of things makes me want to bury my head in the sand and simply... Not get a car. Which is dumb, I know. It's ridiculous how those questions and concerns can totally overshadow my desire to get on the road again. It'd certainly be easier to run and hide from the whole ordeal, but I'm getting pretty sick of riding buses.
I saw three cars today. The first was an RSX Type S, which had been modified to have a retardedly obnoxious exhaust. Seriously, I don't understand why people think that loud thrum sounds good. It was also lowered. I get the point of that, but for most road-going cars... It's kinda nice to be able to drive over a curb and into a driveway without making a scraping sound. On a side note, I asked the owner to direct me on a good route through the area for me to try out the car. He sent me on a loop of the community with no less than six playground zones. Never mind highway speeds, I never even got out of third gear. Poor, abused car. Questionable modifications, ripped leather seats, too stiff and low, subtle hail damage... Ugh.
Next I drove a Porsche 944. It was sublime. Immediately after pulling away from the curb I knew it was something special. I've never felt so connected to the road before... It felt heavy. Not as in overweight or slow, but as in solid. The steering was ridiculously communicative and the car seemed undeniably planted on the pavement. It was a bit unnerving, though, given that the car was made in 1986. Even though it had relatively low mileage and was in pretty good shape, I was still hesitate to really push it. Despite the wonderful handling, I feared I was driving a structure of rickety matchsticks.
Last I tried out a Civic SiR, which is something I've been eyeing since I discovered their existence 5-6 years ago. It actually didn't disappoint - it immediately felt chuckable, and the engine had a lot of pep to it. I liked it a lot more than the RSX, actually. It had some undeniable spunk. The gas pedal was pretty stiff and it was odd using a shifter attached to the dash, but it felt tight and responsive.
Oh decisions, decisions. Right now it's a battle between the last two. The 944 is more fun/exciting, and the SiR makes the most practical sense. No matter what I choose (if they're not taken by the time I make up my mind...) I can't go wrong. And I can't go right, either. See? This stuff is tricky. But as much as I want to put my head in the sand, I'm pretty sure that's not a particularly effective way to drive around.
-Cril
Zubot & Dawson - My Acoustic Bed
Excitement: I can't WAIT to have a car! There's so many to choose from! I want them all!
Anxiety: I need to get a good deal. I sure can't get something that'll go to hell on me... It needs to be reliable and economic. This is a pretty substantial investment. And it also needs to be fun, too. This is hard work.
In some pathetic way, the anxiety part of things makes me want to bury my head in the sand and simply... Not get a car. Which is dumb, I know. It's ridiculous how those questions and concerns can totally overshadow my desire to get on the road again. It'd certainly be easier to run and hide from the whole ordeal, but I'm getting pretty sick of riding buses.
I saw three cars today. The first was an RSX Type S, which had been modified to have a retardedly obnoxious exhaust. Seriously, I don't understand why people think that loud thrum sounds good. It was also lowered. I get the point of that, but for most road-going cars... It's kinda nice to be able to drive over a curb and into a driveway without making a scraping sound. On a side note, I asked the owner to direct me on a good route through the area for me to try out the car. He sent me on a loop of the community with no less than six playground zones. Never mind highway speeds, I never even got out of third gear. Poor, abused car. Questionable modifications, ripped leather seats, too stiff and low, subtle hail damage... Ugh.
Next I drove a Porsche 944. It was sublime. Immediately after pulling away from the curb I knew it was something special. I've never felt so connected to the road before... It felt heavy. Not as in overweight or slow, but as in solid. The steering was ridiculously communicative and the car seemed undeniably planted on the pavement. It was a bit unnerving, though, given that the car was made in 1986. Even though it had relatively low mileage and was in pretty good shape, I was still hesitate to really push it. Despite the wonderful handling, I feared I was driving a structure of rickety matchsticks.
Last I tried out a Civic SiR, which is something I've been eyeing since I discovered their existence 5-6 years ago. It actually didn't disappoint - it immediately felt chuckable, and the engine had a lot of pep to it. I liked it a lot more than the RSX, actually. It had some undeniable spunk. The gas pedal was pretty stiff and it was odd using a shifter attached to the dash, but it felt tight and responsive.
Oh decisions, decisions. Right now it's a battle between the last two. The 944 is more fun/exciting, and the SiR makes the most practical sense. No matter what I choose (if they're not taken by the time I make up my mind...) I can't go wrong. And I can't go right, either. See? This stuff is tricky. But as much as I want to put my head in the sand, I'm pretty sure that's not a particularly effective way to drive around.
-Cril
Zubot & Dawson - My Acoustic Bed
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