30 Year-Old Foundations

I forget where I read it, but a couple months ago I saw a headline to the effect that by the time you reach 30, your personality is more/less set for the rest of your life. Most of your development has finished or plateaued, and you've mainly become the person you'll always be.

As someone staring square down the barrel of the big 3-0 shotgun, I'm slightly panicked by the thought that I'm about to commit to my many flaws. Oddly enough, over the past couple years, these have been becoming more and more evident. I've even developed a sudden sense of clarity in regards to what I've inherited from my parents.

I think that everyone, whether they care to admit it or not, is a lot like the people that raised them. And not just in terms of mannerisms or speech patterns, but some core personality traits in the case of biological parents. This in itself is probably deserving of its own post. But one of the things that I'm a bit scared of is how, like my father, I can become obsessed with something for a few months, completely beat it to death, and then move on. I can see that, within myself, I can struggle to stay committed to a task. What happened to sketching every day? Or playing the mandolin every day? Even this blog takes a lot of conscious effort to contribute to.

Will I always be like that? Unable to latch on and pull the trigger on something every day? Is that going to keep me from 'greatness', for the lack of a better word?

But what about everything else I'm not proud of, like being tight with money? What about eating just a bit too much than I should be? What about spending evening after evening doing nothing, feeling dissatisfied, and not being able to change it? What about a brain that seems to be springing leaks like a certain 2.5L Porsche engine, dripping the precious memories of oil every where I go? Can I even fix that, or do I just need to be diligent to keep my mental fluids topped up?

I think I'm afraid that on my 30th birthday I will suddenly be locked down into a perpetual state of stagnation. That it'll be impossible to make progress in the most personal sense. I know that life is painted using more shades of grey than something so binary as that. But even then, guttural fears aside, I think I reject the notion that progress ends at three decades of existence. I think, yes, by that age (or there abouts), a foundation has been laid and a certain perception of the world has been established.

In fact, I'm pretty sure it's happening. Over the last few years I can feel that I've been maturing (or, rather, "adulting"), leaving some elements of youth behind. Littering upsets me, I can't stand the smack-talk when playing online, and just this last month I even paid attention to a local sports team's results in the league finals. Truth be told, it scares me more than a little to let go of my 'youngerness', partially because I'm not sure I ever did well at being a kid and I feel like a lot of that stuff passed me by while I was worrying about whether or not I'd ever be able to afford a car at the tender age of 7 (true story. Spoiler alert: I grew up and was indeed able to afford a car).

I'm rambling. Help, I think I might be going straight onto old age.

In the end, my point is that I'll either conquer my own personal demons or I won't. I hope I can find and hold onto some sense of youthful wonder. I hope I can keep growing. Most of all, I hope I can find some sort of personal acceptance for whatever I am or become. No matter my age, though, that seems like it'll always be a reoccurring theme.
-Cril

As the dawn began to break
I had to surrender
The universe will have its way
Too powerful to master
Oh, oh, oh, oh

The Flaming Lips - In The Morning Of The Magicians

At the Intersection of Alberta and Wall St

Last week Alberta elected an NDP government, breaking a 44-year dominance by the Progressive Conservative Party. For just a moment as I watched the diehard conservatives of the Province freak right out, I thought that maybe there's hope after all. If such a political dynasty can fall (and so thoroughly at that), perhaps the people still have some significant influence on their country's fate. I'm not a political person, but I couldn't help hoping that maybe things can change for the better.

Then I stumbled on a copy of 'Inside Job' on my media hard drive, watched it on a whim, and have been undeniably depressed since. We are so, so screwed. And yes, I know I might now have the 'right' to make that statement considering I'm commenting on US politics as a Canadian. But our two countries are close, and what happens just south of the border seems to have repercussions everywhere else. While the economic influence is certainly worrying, the cultural influence is even worse. Power attracts money attracts power attracts money, and there's nothing your average Joe without a handful of lobbyists can do about it. Yeah, I've read lots of praise for the Canadian banking system and how it shielded us from even worse circumstances... But how long before that culture of capitalistic corruption seeps into our political and financial systems?

It's really, really scary to know that it's just a matter of time before our next financial collapse. And with the way things are headed, it'll be worse than the last. Here I am, thinking about how best to invest my money and pondering the merits of property ownership... When even the safest decision can be utterly undermined by a few well-off individuals at the top of the food chain trying to make another buck. It's damn scary. And how do you even prepare for the next financial shenanigans?

We're screwed. I know this is all pretty much a knee-jerk reaction to a documentary with a pretty bias tone, but it seems to resonate with my particular flavour of cynicism. Rich get richer, and politicians get richer and rig the system to keep it that way.

This is why I tend not to vote. I just feel like all the candidates that aren't scumbags already will become so once they get a bit of influence. Maybe I should just focus on what happens on my side of the border and hope, for all our sakes, that our new political party will do some good.
-Cril

Money, get back
I'm all right, Jack, keep your hands off of my stack.
Money, it's a hit
Don't give me that do goody good bullshit
I'm in the hi-fidelity first class traveling set
And I think I need a Lear jet

Money, it's a crime
Share it fairly but don't take a slice of my pie
Money, so they say
Is the root of all evil today
But if you ask for a rise it's no surprise that they're giving none away

Pink Floyd - Money

Just Numbers

The last time I took an IQ test, I was somewhere in the 11th or 12th grade. As being a teenager and answering inane online surveys go hand in hand, it was an online test (from who knows where) and I mainly did it out of curiosity. I ended up scoring 90, which is on the lower end of average intellegence. 

The other night, as being a guy with nothing to do and aimlessly browsing Reddit seem to go hand in hand, I stumbled across a link that claimed to be "An online IQ test that isn't fake bullshit". I started off clicking through to see what such an IQ test would look like, and after finishing the first 4-5 questions I decided to keep going. This despite it being 12:30AM and the test having a 40min timer. There were about three or four questions I didn't manage to figure out in time, but I ended up scoring 112, which is on the lower end of high intelligence. 

This gave me two realizations: I never recognized just how much that low score I got as a teenager damaged and haunted me, and IQ tests (no matter how much "fake bullshit" they may or may not have) are all equally useless.

Self-confidence has never been a resource I've had in large quantities, and especially in those formative years as a young adult, that 90 IQ was a bit of a dent in the brain. It's like that older brother that would give you a firm punch in the shoulder that says, "Remember your place and don't get full of yourself." It makes you a bit twitchy after a while. 

This became especially true when I was working on my Bachelor's, surrounded by classmates that I was seeing every day and essentially competing against. My mentality quickly became "Well, I'm not smart enough and I don't have the raw talent... So I'll just have to hustle and work hard to make up the distance." That's kinda become my mantra over the years, and I think it's served me well. Even then it's a little bit scary, because anyone can learn to work longer, but you can't increase your intelligence or core inclination. I'm occupying a spot that anyone with the drive can muscle in on and unseat me. 

My have a really intelligent family, and I think there was always this subconscious pressure to be smart too. And I always felt like I landed a bit short. So when I got that 112... To be honest, it was like a sigh of relief. Like I could say, "Whew, yeah, I guess I can be smart too, I guess." Like maybe in every other conversation I have I don't need to tell myself "Listen to them, they're probably right. You know you're not that smart." Kinda gets degrading after a while.

But all that being said... IQ tests are garbage. I don't think you can judge all humans based on a single metric like that. You can't seriously tell me that Picasso would've scored just as well on an IQ test as Einstein, and that therefore the prior is clearly inferior and has not accomplished as much. It's like comparing apples and freakin' waterfalls. Both have had their own impact on society and culture, and one didn't have any less potential than the other. 

One of the comments from the Reddit post states that "IQ tests are designed to test the fundamental building block of human intelligence, pattern recognition / basic logic." And you know what, maybe that's true, but... Maybe human intelligence simply doesn't matter as much, especially depending on how "success" or "productive member of society" can be defined. Hell, just how limiting can a lower IQ be if George Bush can become El Presidante? 

Even looking at the test I did last night, I recognize it as a very, very visual test. Being a designer, that's my language and the channel that I probably learn through best. But what about people who are more verbal? Tactile? Kinetic? Even if an IQ test was some definitive golden measurement, there's no way that all humans can be equally evaluated via one way of administrating the test itself.

So, yes, maybe I have an IQ of 112, but I don't think that should really change anything. I'm still gonna hustle and I'm still gonna work hard.

-Cril

Sometimes late

When things are real

And the people share the gift of gab

Between themselves

Some are quick

To take the bait

And the catch the perfect prize

That waits among the shells 

But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man

That he didn't, didn't already have

And Cause never was the reason for the evening

Or the tropic of Sir Galahad

Jericho Ronsales - Tin Man