From the Limbo Archives

Sometimes I write stuff down into an unaddressed email draft until I figure out where it should live. These are two vivid dreams I recorded in 2012/2013, I think. They don't really have any kind of significance, and I'm just dumping them here for the sake of tidying my email.

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July 19
I had a dream the other night. Apparently I was getting married within a few hours. I was in my room, getting ready and my brother was there helping me out. There was a bit of a freak out, because I had slept in until 2pm (I actually ended up sleeping in until 8:45am). There were clothes all over the place, and I was looking for something decent. For some reason, I was having a conversation with my brother about whether or not I should wear a sweater. As this carried on and I tried different clothes on, I started becoming very unsure of myself. He related a story of how they got married and it was fine - until a little time afterwards. All of the sudden, my brother's friend from highschool was there describing how he was present when this spouse-in-law decided to commit traditional Seppuku. Apparently he first asked how to get in touch with his anthropology (huh?) before the blade went in. His eyes turned red, and then he was dead. For some reason, though, this seemed to be a good story and encouragement to go through with the wedding. Relatives were dropping in and out of my room as I continued to get ready, but my brother stayed with me while I prepared. Then it slowly started to dawn on me... I didn't know who I was getting married to. I didn't know where it was taking place or what the colours were or what we were doing for a reception. And I had no idea what music we had picked out (and THAT was a big deal). I think at this point, the actual physical me, lying in bed, was trying to rip me away from unconsciousness, but I remember having the distinct feeling that I was just too tired to wake up. It was a bit like my conscious mind was fighting against my dream mind, saying "Things aren't quite making sense here..." Anyways, the dream went on a little bit longer. Basically, I started to panic a bit, and was having doubts (wouldn't you, if you didn't know ANYTHING about your own wedding?). My mom came down and told me to snap out of it, finished getting dressed, and go to the chapel (wherever it was). She commented on the large assortment of dolls/figured on my desk, saying... Something about it. I don't remember exactly, but it was kinda disapproving. I know for sure that they were layed out/kinda posed like the Votive Statues from Tell Asmar, and among them were some Portal, Half Life, and WWII pilot figures. Anyways, my mom left. My brother was preoccupied with something else, so... I put on a very old pair of sneakers, and I subtly went around the room collecting my wallet... coat... iPod, I need my iPod... and finally car keys. I then stepped out of the door in my room that lead to the street (a door which doesn't exist in real life). And then I woke up. In the dream, I was planning on just slipping away, getting into my car, and driving faaaar away. Without telling anyone. I remember that sensation vividly. I need to get in the car, with my music, and get away from everything.

It was such a vivid and intense dream. I just felt that I had to write down what I could remember from it.

Keep in mind, I may be sick. I had a physical meltdown last night where my stomach was doing odd things, the blood decided to temporarily evacuate the upper portion of my body, I started to sweat, my skin was cold, and the world became a veeeery surreal place, like I only had one foot through the doorway. Either it was a sign of exhaustion (as my friends pointed out), or I'm coming down with something nasty. But I can't be sick now. There's too much to do for me to be sick.

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Dec 21

Had a dream that I got a car. A Subaru BRZ. It was blue, the handling was tight. It had a weird configuration of the stick, but it was a manual. I remember being out running an errand, and I bought it new on a whim. I spent a LOT of time trying to get out onto the road - getting stuck in back alleys, waiting for pedestrians to cross, dead ends. When I finally got out on the road, it felt so good. The engine thrummed, and it felt so connected to the road. I wasn't sure if I started speeding or not - I had the idea in my head to now bread the law, but I wanted to push things farther. Eventually I stopped by some cops, and one got out and told me to get out so I could be ticketed for the way I was driving. He asked me why I got it, and I had two reasons I told him. I don't remember what they were, but I tried to make it sound like I wasn't just out to buy a sports car. He got me to pop the hood. Asked me why I got a 'toe ring', which apparently meant "manual transmission". I finally figured out I wasn't going to get out of getting a very big ticket. I started thinking about selling the car and going back to taking the bus. The money was an issue, sure, but I felt ashamed, like I didn't deserve to drive any more. It was really depressing, and then I woke up. It was a scary thing. But the feeling of setting out in a good car, my car... Felt damn good.

Argh.

I'm a confrontation-averse, people-pleasing, soft-spoken guy. Chris not smash. Chris pace and mutter under breath where no one see.

But damn, some days I wish I had it in me to do some yelling. I guess I'm in the 'anger' phase of being miserable, because I really just want to point a finger and unleash about what was driving me crazy. Of course, I only really recognize the stuff that was bothering me long after the opportunity to express it had dried up.

And it's probably for the best, too. No need to spill more blood than what has already been, and while I'm sure a yelling match feels good in the process, the aftertaste is probably less than pleasant. So for now I'll keep writing down my hot-headed comments in an email draft that'll never get sent.

Incredible Hulk? Incredible Sulk, more like.
-Cril