Monday, October 24, 2016

Outlook Not So Good

I recently started browsing the r/relationships section of Reddit as a way to fill a gaping void I suddenly found myself with. I don't exactly know how or why I thought it'd work - maybe it was supposed to validate my own feelings and actions via the proxy of anonymous and heartbroken Reddit-ites. This is what I've learned so far:

  1. Every spouse will, at some point, either cheat on you or become emotionally abusive. And make no mistake,
  2. All flags are red flags which cannot be overcome. It doesn't matter what the magnitude was of the original sin, how long you were together, or the prior state of your relationship. It cannot be fixed. But that's alright because,
  3. You absolutely must leave them, and you should leave them right now.
Needless to say, it's left me with a bit of a sour outlook on relationships. I'm caught between wanting to be in one and drowning in resignation over the fact that it will obviously, inevitably, fail in a spectacular fashion. It's a miracle that anyone these days still gets married, because every marriage will end in divorce. 

Of course, there's got to be some kinda bias here, inherent in the kind of people that a) seek relationship help from complete strangers on the internet, or b) give relationship advice to complete strangers on the internet. But credit where it's due, occasionally there is some genuinely good advice that's passed out from people who are undoubtedly wise about interpersonal matters. But when it comes to matters of the heart, the general tone is rather bleak and fatalistic.

Reading this stuff is almost definitely doing me more harm than good. But what should I expect, it's practically internet junk food drama.
-Cril

Monday, October 10, 2016

Thanksfeelings Dinner

It's Thanksgiving. For us Canucks, at least.

Every year I go to my aunt and uncle's for dinner, and we do a toast at the beginning where we say what we're particularly thankful for. During the lead up over the last handful of days I've been bobbing this scenario around my cranium, fishing for good answers. The thing is... I just ain't feelin' it right now.

That's not to say that I don't have anything to be thankful for. That's absolutely not the case. I'm lucky to have a job that's flexible, pays well, and allows me to travel on occasion. I also have a couple freelance gigs on the side to keep me occupied. Even though it's not fancy, I have my own little abode with not one, but two sports cars sitting outside. I'm healthy. I have a nifty gaming computer full of nifty games to play. I have more musical instruments than any person of my skill level really needs, and I also get to take regular mandolin lessons. I have family and friends that care for me and have my back when I'm feelin' low.

But here's the thing: I'm not quite feeling any of that right now. Factually, I know they're there. I can see and touch and hear them, and know they exist. But in my heart or gut or wherever such things reside, it isn't quite registering. It's kinda frustrating.

Let me put it this way: Autumn is my favourite season. I love the colours of the leaves, and the sound they make as they skitter across the pavement. I love the crispness of the air. Right now I know it's autumn, but I do not feel autumn.

I somehow feel like I've been robbed of a season.

"Mm, yes," you may remark from the comfort of your expertise armchair, "it seems that you may be exhibiting symptoms of depression, perhaps triggered by the turmoil of a recent change in your relationship status."

True, true, all very true. But I somehow get the vibe that I've been slowly sliding down this path for a bit longer than just that. Maybe over the last year or a bit longer. It's like life has been leaking some of its luster.

At one point I really truly felt that happiness and wonder was a choice a person could make. But what if I don't have that any more? Am I just too lazy to be happy any more?

For 2013-2015 I recorded a second of video every day as a way of chronicling my life and what made me happy. For 2016 I decided to take a break from the project. I also stopped writing here regularly, and haven't been keeping a personal journal either. Kinda makes me wonder... Does this period in my life even exist? Am I nothing but a ghost lurking in my own flawed future memories?

Yay, existential shenanigans. Basically, right now I'm doing okay. Nothing's wrong, per se, but I've somehow settled into a routine of existence, rather than living. Something's missing. I just gotta figure out how to start looking for that thing, whatever it is.

As it turns out, at dinner tonight we all kinda forgot the traditional toast. Given my current conundrums, that's definitely something to feel thankful for.
-Cril.

Saturday, October 01, 2016

Post-Mortem Twinges

Loneliness is lonely.

I'm watching my uncle's dog for a week and a half, and it's rather embarrassing how enjoyable it is to have a pair of attentive ears to talk to, even if she doesn't understand a word of what I say. And I have no idea what she says back. Still, it doesn't hold us from having grand conversations.

We actually seldom have any conversations, and I'm usually just the one yammering away while she looks at me quizzically. Still, I like the idea of having a pseudo chat with this goofy ball of fur.

What else is there to say, really? I'm trying to fill in a hole, one grain of sand at a time. Some days I'm bitter, some days remorseful, some days sullen. All days lonely.

Once upon a time I was really good at being alone. I was thinking back to some of my time in New York where there'd be entire weeks where I wouldn't actually speak to anyone outside of classwork. Maybe a sheepish 'thanks' to the apathetic cashier at a grocery store.

Mind you, being in such a saturated environment helps you to stay distracted, and spending lots of time on the subway means you can observe and project yourself into the lives of others. Lots of strange faces that draw you in to nonchalantly eavesdrop their strange words. Everyone living each other's lives, until the stop comes and you hop into someone else's orbit.

---

Sometimes it kinda sucks how an autopsy is the best window into life. Only after something is over, dead, and ended can you understand what its existence was. Like being an archaeologist of your own life, the words and phrases to express what you were feeling can only be found if they've been covered in dust for a time.

I'm forcing this metaphor, apparently. Those three sentences all pretty much say the same thing and I had to toil over each one. The point is this: I think it's kinda sad that you can only best understand something in retrospection long after it has ended. You don't have any of the clarity you needed when it was actually still alive and breathing.

Kinda makes me feel that we're all perpetually overwhelmed four-year-olds standing in the middle of the midway. We're going through life with our eyes glazed over and mouths slightly agape at the spectacle of it all, and we'll have no idea what actually happened until the show's over.

Part of me wishes I could have said the words and clarity I have now when they were most relevant. But that wouldn't be life, would it? That'd be like reading a walkthrough before playing the game. No alarms and no surprises, and everything would be just a little bit too easy and expected.

Can I stop writing now? I'm going to stop writing now. I feel like I'm going in circles and just rehashing things. I guess that's what happens when you're so preoccupied with tiny and substance-less ideas that feel bigger then they are when sitting on your shoulders.
-Cril

I sung you, your twinges
I suffered you, your tattletales
And when you broke sideways
I wanted you, I needed you
Oh-oh, to make me better
Oh-oh, to make me better

But we're not so starry-eyed anymore
Like the perfect paramour you were in your letters
And won't it all just come around and make you
Let it all unbreak you to the day that you met her
And it'd make you better
Did it make you better?
Make you better

And all I wanted was a sliver to call mine
And all I wanted was a shimmer in your shine
To make me bright

'Cause we're not so starry-eyed anymore
Like the perfect paramour you were in your letters
Won't it all just come around and make you
Let it all unbreak you to the days you met her
But it'd make you better
It'd make you better

The Decemberists - Make You Better