The beginning of the year has been pretty tough. I had written a few bits and pieces, and they're all a little... bleak. Here they are in no particular order...
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After my last post, I did wandered back into some of the darker corners of my library of highschool memories. One of the titles I came across and plucked off the shelf was "Times I Was a Total Jerk".
The first couple years of highschool were spent in the shadow of a popular kid I desperately wanted to be friends with, and thus adopted some pretty dumb habits in an effort to imitate that intangible, effervescent status of 'cool'. My main transgression was thinking that making fun of those even less popular than myself (if such a thing was possible) would make me fit in. And on some subconscious level, pointing out others' weaknesses helped to patch over my own plethora of shortcomings. Patches that, looking back, weren't worth having.
I used to make fun of a kid named Colin. What did he do to deserve it? I don't even know. Maybe he was a bit awkward and dopey, but what highschool kid isn't? I think his biggest transgression was simply being new to the town, which made him an easy target. We called him "Melvin" for some reason, and were pretty relentless in making fun of him.
It sucks because to someone like that, never mind having friends, just being left alone and invisible is all you're after. I should know. I do know. I hate myself for the things I said to him. It wasn't ever worth the sliver of social acceptance or toxic morale boost it might've given me at the time.
Short story shorter, I recently found him on Facebook. Dropped one of those, "You probably don't remember me, I was a dick to you, and I'm really sorry" messages. He wrote back saying that he was teased at every school he went to, and maybe he deserved it. He said that since then life hasn't gotten much better, as he fighting (and losing) an ongoing battle with cancer.
He didn't really invite me to, but I never replied. What is there to say? "I'm sorry that your life is might be unfairly cut short, and that I helped make it more miserable." It sucks that he got teased everywhere he went. No one deserves that, no matter how awkward they might've been. Everyone deserves to be left the hell alone.
I'm sorry dude, you deserved much better than the likes of me. There isn't a single sentiment I could express that wouldn't be hallow in comparison to what you're going through. Life sucks. I know it does, I've been on the receiving end. And now I've been on the giving end, too. Feels terrible. And his struggles make mine look like chump change.
Turning the lens around to look at yourself can really help you uncover some ugly truths. If I had a couple of redos in life... You'd definitely deserve one of them, Colin.
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My word, online dating is soul sucking. I've read all the advice columns; "Be funny!", "Be original!", "Personalize each message!", "Put effort into everything you send!"
So you take all this guidance and put it to work, delicately crafting every little witticism or compliment you send, writing and re-writing and antagonizing over every word. Only, of course, to never hear a thing back. No matter what you put into it, it won't be enough. I'll take ~15 of those precious messages to get one response, only for the girl to disappear after the first two replies.
Makes me feel totally and utterly disposable. You know that any girl's inbox is full of such messages, and they can pick and choose at their desire. No matter how much I put myself into these interactions, there's nothing I can do to guarantee a success.
The only thing left to do is play the (rather disheartening) odds or just call it quits. It gets to a point where it's less depressing to admit defeat than it is to keep on braving the waters of online courtship.
You're lonely and miserable and think that you've hit the bottom, so you figure it's time to look for someone's hand to hold. Then you only have the rug pulled out beneath your wobbly legs when you discover that you're not interesting enough and there aren't any girls that think you're worth talking to.
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One of my dear/close friends is a nurse in a delivery unit. We were talking about some of the challenges she faces in that kind of job; abortions, long hours, miscarriages, and irresponsible patients. Some days she wishes she had gone into another line of work.
She told me one recent story of a very premature birth, where the child was obviously going to face significant complications for its whole life. The parents, however, decided to issue a non-resuscitate order (or some equivalent), effectively leaving the kid to die. A tough call, for sure, but one that I can understand and appreciate. I'm sure from the parents' point of view, it was an incredibly heart-wrenching choice to make, but ultimately one that was made with the best intentions.
Things got a bit worse, though, when she told me about how the parents didn't want to see or hold their child. So this little soul's experience with the world was about to be very short, and very lonely.
Instead, though, the nurses moved heaven and earth to make sure that this child was always in someone's arms for the duration of it's life. The nurses rotated through holding this tiny kid, too small to cry, in a dark room with a rocking chair and blanket. Before my friends shift was up, the baby had moved on to its next adventure.
Life sure sucks sometimes. But it made me kinda glad that there are some good souls out there who will make their already exhausting shift even more chaotic, just to keep a tiny little life, sick and abandoned, company while it moves on to the next adventure.
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Here's hoping the summer will be a bit brighter, yes? That warm breeze sure is alluring...
-Cril
