Sunday, December 10, 2017

Mac n' Cheese Pizza

I have a tendency to only really use this space here for when I'm feeling conflicted and worn down by something. It's a cathartic laxative for my emotional constipation, if you will. I guess that explains why my writing is shit.

My point is this: I just had a lovely weekend.

On Friday, I ate some bachelor chow and wrapped a few presents for my girlfriend. Then I met up online with my uncle, and for an hour we puttered around a bleak Soviet landscape, towing eachother through the mud and hauling logs back and forth. We've been playing SpinTires Mudrunner, which is wonderfully relaxed and challenging, and completely devoid of pressure. It's just fun to drive a bunch of trucks through the dirt and bog.

We played for an hour, then I cranked the tunes in my new (erm, used) BMW, and hauled all the gifts to my girlfriend's place. She loves getting presents and not knowing what's in them. It makes me happy to see how thrilled she gets. She won't even touch them in order to maintain maximum suspense.

The next morning we got up and made waffles. She convinced me to use a recipe that called for a half cup (!!) of cooking oil. Seemed to be a bit excessive to me, but low and behold... I finally produced some waffles that were fully circular, rather than looking like a half-assed piece of architecture with exposed rebar around the edges. And not only were these pancakes fully formed, but the texture was pah-erfect. Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside. Apply maple syrup and whipped cream liberally.

Then we went a picked up two free deep-dish apple crumble pies from the hoighty-toity market next door. I got two coupons in the mail for them for some reason, and when I checked out and asked the cashier, I found out they had given away 500 of the damn things the day prior. Five hundred. Kinda made me wonder about the economics behind it all - what was the average cost of each pie? If some schmuck bought a $4.35 tub of ginger whipped cream to go with his free pie (...like I did), would they break even on the cost? For the record, that whipped cream was not worth the price of admission. And while the pie was good, it was not $17 worth of good.

Alas, the day continued. We took advantage of the gorgeous weather (seriously, I had to take off my coat and open my sweater) and walked to the movie theater and chatted along the way. Then we watched Coco. Fantastic movie. I mean, it was a tad predictable (it's basically Moana), but the art was fabulous and the core message was good. And it got me all inspired to play some more music, which no doubt will fizzle out in short order.

After the movie we went to the grocery store, where we bought a pizza pan, some chicken, and pizza sauce. Then we walked home and made mac n' cheese. You see, before we went to the movie, my lady had tried her hand at making pizza dough. So we loaded up the dough with the sauce, mac n' cheese, some chicken, red peppers, and mozza. Yes, based on a single off-hand comment in an episode of Parks and Recreation, we set out to create a Mac n' Cheese Pizza without doing a lick of research. And you know what? It turned out friggin' awesome. Like, no joke, I think it was the best pizza I've had in the last couple of years. We nailed it. The crust was perfect, the toppings were perfect. And we ate it all by candlelight. So romantic.

Then we watched some TV and played some cribbage. She beat me pretty well, but I'm still winning the series 16-12. But that gap is closing fast.

On Sunday I slept in a bit while she taught. I got up, cleaned the kitchen, and managed to time the scrambled eggs and hashbrowns to be hot out of the pan by the time she came through the door. And dare I say it, then hashbrowns turned out perfectly. You see, you have to pre-heat the pan before frying the potatoes. It makes a world of difference. And getting them out of the pot a bit sooner than later helps too.

After lunch we went for a short walk and got her a coffee. Then we settled in and watched the last two episodes of Handmaid's Tale. And, holy crap, is that show dark as hell. Left me thinking, "Everyone ever is terrible and I wish a nuclear holocaust would happen to just wipe us all out because everyone is total scum to each other." I have to admit that that show gets to me more than most others.

Then I head home, where my uncle dropped by to help me get the carburetor's off of the bike. Now I'm left with the intimidating task of refurbishing them. To my untrained and easily intimidated eyes, it's like looking at a rat's nest of screws and plates and gaskets. Here's hoping that once I order and receive the rebuilt kit, I can get the sucker put back together again.

I saw a lot of motorcyclists around this weekend while the weather was nice. Makes me wish I would've left my bike in running order, but... The weather will change shortly anyways. I'm really excited for the spring to arrive, though.

After I drove my uncle home, I finished watching Craig Ferguson's Netflix special and ate some dinner. My uncle did another hour's worth of mud flinging in the cold brown depths of Siberia's wasteland, I did some tidying up, and now... here I am. I think I'm going to post this, tidy up a bit, and crawl into bed. I might even start reading book #3 in the Dark Tower series.

This next week and a half is going to be busy. Need to get ready to go home for Christmas, need to book the car for some maintenance (hooray antifreeze leaks), need to work on a fistful of freelance projects. No joke, I have five branding identities on the go right now. Good grief.

But it was at some point last night where I found myself thinking, "Wow, this has been a really great weekend so far." And it's just kinda kept on going. Feels nice. And I'm glad that I can recognize something like that while it's happening. When was the last time you had a good weekend?

Sometimes I worry that in five or ten or twenty years, myself or someone else entirely will look through this blog and say to themselves, "Wow, what a miserable guy." I don't intuitively feel like that's who I am, but I'm also self aware enough to know that I can easily skew towards the pessimistic and that a person becomes the kind of person they express them self to be.

So when I realized I was having a good weekend, I felt like I'd be remiss not to give it the same care and attention that I do when I'm saddled with a heavy heart or bleak conundrum. The hour grows late and the work week is striding up the path to my door. But that's alright, because you know what? It feels good to... feel good.
-Cril

Sunday, December 03, 2017

One More, of Contrasts

Whatta year.

I think part of the reason so many people dislike getting older is the feeling in the back of your head that you need to account for your travels. We take all that sweet, and deceptively alluring potential we have, and ever slowly trade it in for experiences and belongings. But those conversions only seem to go one way, don't they?  Trade in your car and sell your home, but you'll never be able to get back that wide-eyed wonder and limitless potential that you had as a kid.

So yeah, we get old. Another year slips by us. We wonder how we got here, and we get scared that we can't retrace our steps and try to do it all again differently. I once had a girlfriend that would avoid telling me her age or birth year, as if she was ashamed of it. I don't think I'd ever known anyone to be that uptight about it.

2017 is drawing to a close, and being a sentimental fool of sorts, I make a conscious decision to stop and look back at the path I've tread through the year. How'd I do? Alright, I hope.

I sold my Porsche, which was bittersweet. I miss it dearly, and I absolutely don't. I essentially traded it for a motorcycle and accompanying license. Being a cautious critter of habit, it was nice to try something that scared me. And feeling like I've somewhat stagnated through my career, it was also refreshing to learn something new. I need more of that in my life.

And for the record, riding a motorcycle is a wonderful sensation and I already miss it. It was a good swap, and I think my Porsche would approve. Besides, I think I handed her off to a capable set of hands.

Then this last month I bought a BMW, because of course I did. At the beginning of the year, I looked at the Porsche and Honda and thought, "It's completely ridiculous that I  own eight wheels per person." Until I manage to sell the Honda, I'm currently up to ten. It's silly. But at least the new car is far under 15 years old, and has a USB port. I've made it into the future!

I gave up on my mandolin lessons this year. I'm not progressing in skill very much at all as a result... But I'm playing more often and getting more enjoyment out of it. Maybe I'll never be a skilled musician of any sort, but if I like playing poorly for myself... that's okay.

There was some self-directed adventure this year, too. I went back to my old stomping grounds as a kid. It was a surreal experience, to say the least. And utterly satisfying, too. It was desolate and lush and remote and all too familiar. I'd been thinking about making that trip for, oh, ten years or so. It felt good to finally go and do it.

Brujah

My big defining character arch of the year, though, has got to be my existence as a single and non-single entity. You know, relationship stuff.

I started the year off in a pretty low place. Feeling devastatingly alone and unsure that I could ever be anything else. My previous relationship taught me that I was a terrible person to be with. I felt low and miserable, like I was garbage. Then we broke up and I felt even lower on my own. My experiences in online dating taught me that I wasn't worth even talking to. Dark, dark days of regret and emptiness.

I tried to fill those days with weights and video games and music. All helped, none filled the void. It's funny, when I'm in a tormented mindset, my first inclination is still to go and work out. Funny, that.

My fortunes, though, seemed to reverse in a pretty violent matter. I found a girl and all that trash kinda got swept away overnight. I discovered that, hey, I'm actually kind of a decent guy in a relationship. That being with someone doesn't need to mean tense silences and carefully chosen words. Instead it can be, dare I say it... Easy. Like, really easy. No drama at all, just two people that know the other is a good person that means well.

I was surprised. I planned activities and got gifts and cooked meals from recipes I've never made, all in order to impress someone I liked. Even crazier, she liked everything I was doing. She thought I was a catch. What a total reversal from the dynamic with my previous girlfriend.

Most telling of all, I find myself going out of my way for her by doing little things to make her life easier. Because I want to. And she appreciates all of it.

My goal here isn't to say "HEY GUYS LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY RELATIONSHIP IS, I'M AWESOME, SHE'S AWESOME, WE'RE ALL JUST TOTALLY AWESOME." To me, I can't believe how hard of a contrast is drawn between my current and previous relationship. I went from feeling so... Defeated, useless, uninteresting and unworthy, to being all the opposites.

And goddamn does that feel good. It's like discovering there was a whole new person inside of you to come out. It's so validating to realize that you have something worth sharing and that you can enrich another's life.

Reading all that makes me realize just how bad things were.

Of course, it's not like finding a new girlfriend flipped a switch and all my baggage of regrets was transferred to a plane bound for Boise, Idaho, never to be heard from again. No, I carry a lot of that around with me still. But I open up those bags every once and a while, take out and carefully examine something in my hands... and I realize I don't need to bring it with me everywhere, so I throw it away. One item at a time.

Looking back, I'm horrified at the person I was to that girl. I'm horrified about how she treated me, and how I accepted it for so long, and how it (de)formed my sense of self. I still think about her, but each day less and less. Less and less. It sucks that we destroyed our friendship over it all. Well, not destroyed so much as... just erased. It has ceased to be, and ceased to have ever been. That's so much worse, in a way, and really sad.

This year has been an exercise in two dizzying contrasts. I've gone from feeling so very low, to so very high. I think I'm grateful for where I've ended up, and I think I'm grateful for where I've been, too. It helps me to appreciate how far I've come and what I've discovered in myself.

Part of me wishes I could cash in all my chips and try things over again with my newfound knowledge and confidence. But it don't work that way. And I never, ever want to be so self conscious about my age that I'm afraid to share it with people close to me. This is my path, this is where I've been, and this is where I've ended up. So far, at least. I've done some stupid things, and some awesome things, and I am the sum of those parts and experiences.

I don't imagine each year will contain such a drastic jump in a positive direction. But progress is progress, even if you find it in the opposite direction. I don't know, I'm rambling. Here's what I'm trying to say: A tough year has turned into a good year, and I hope there'll be more like it. I think I did alright.
-Cril

If I ventured in the slipstream
Between the viaducts of your dream
Where immobile steel rims crack
And the ditch in the back roads stop
Could you find me?
Would you kiss my eyes?
To lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again
To be born again

From the far side of the ocean
If I put the wheels in motion
And I stand with my arms behind me
And I'm pushin' on the door
Could you find me?
Would you kiss-a my eyes?
To lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again
To be born again

Van Morrison - Astral Weeks