Epiphany Alley

So yesterday I was working in the studio, and a friend left for the evening. It was ~8 or so, I was alone, and was feelin' all sorts of craptacular. Really unbearably tired, for some reason. So I packed up, and dragged my heels along all the pavement between campus and my car, got in, went home. Arrived, shrugged off the jacket, and felt weird that I was about to go to bed before Stupid O'clock. So I figured, what the hell, I'd do some writing before bed.

Put some music on, busted out the ol' journal, laid myself down on the floor, and starting waltzing a pen back and forth across some pages. Pretty tepid stuff at first, just basically recalling the obligatory whens and wheres of life. I finished that standard "went x, did y" stuff, laid down the pen, sighed, took off my glasses, and...

It all came into focus.

Within the space of about ten minutes, I was positively bombarded with things I hadn't quite understood or even known were there in the first place. One, two, three, four, fivesixseven. All rapid-fire-like. Discovering things. Taking long forgotten tidbits and watching connections form between them, right before my eyes. Had I not replaced it a few weeks prior, I could've been convinced that some sort of cosmic illumination was shining down on me in my pathetic little room, rather than a lowly 60 watt bulb.





I understand now.

I know what's important about me and other people. I know how I'll be spending my lunch breaks, and why I can't seem to settle on an avatar at the moment, what kind of paper I need to finish that one piece, and what I want to accomplish this summer. And a million other things.


It feels one part overwhelming and five parts frickin' fantastic.

When I thought I had finished, I tried to go to bed. My head, however, had other plans and kept going. After an hour or so of this, I turned on a light and furiously wrote down the entire sum of what was flowing through and overloading the fibers of my puny little brain. I don't know where or why all this came to me, but I'm glad it did.

And after I had given out everything I had and everything I had been given to those pages, I set myself down into my bed with a smile on my face. And for the first time in a long time, I slept

like

a

child.
-Cril

Growing in numbers
Growing in speed
Can't fight the future
Can't fight what I see

People they come together
People they fall apart
No one can stop us now
'Cause we are all made of stars

Efforts of lovers
Left in my mind
I sing in the reaches
We'll see what we find

People they come together
People they fall apart
No one can stop us now
'Cause we are all made of stars

Moby - We Are All Made of Stars

I just tried something that I've been too afraid to do for the last two years.

And it feels great.
-Cril

Verbal Doodle - "Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you."

Be true to your teeth or they’ll be false to you. Chew, chew, chew. Feel the rythym. Waltz with it, but don’t be seduced by it. You see, your teeth follow you everywhere, and they deserve some amount of respect. But for as far as they go, things can still get ugly really fast. They take in and crush parts of the world so that you can consume them. Eventually, the world consumes you too. Crunch, crunch, crunch. It’s all about the teeth. Breaking things down into smaller pieces. More manageable. Digestable. Consumable. And these dentures, agents of destruction and digestion, do their job well. So long as you permit them to.

Questions of Science; Science and Progress

I have shone melody and sung light. Life is an amazing thing.
-Cril

Yes, I feel a little bit nervous
Yes, I feel nervous and I cannot relax
How come they're out to get us
How come they're out when they don't know the facts

So on concrete canvas under cover of dark
On a concrete canvas, I go making my mark
Armed with the spray can soul
I'll be armed with the spray can soul

You
Oh

Oh, you
Oh

Yes, you
You use your heart as a weapon
And it hurts like heaven

Coldplay - Hurts Like Heaven

Violent Null

It's been an interesting weekend. Friday night I had one of my last classes and my last study group for the semester. Afterwards, I went back to the studio, and there were the same people there from a few nights prior. We went out and got some food before going back and settling in to do some serious homeworking for several hours. And as 10pm rolled around, we paused for a bit to play some music. A friend on the guitar, and me on the uke. We just sat there and jammed, noodling around and playing off of eachother. We blinked and it was a half-hour later. Just like that. It was amazing - for a little while, we were transported far far away from our school and assignments, far from the swirling snow outside the window, far from everywhere that our physical bodies were present. It was an incredible feeling to be so intertwined with music for a little time. Who'da thunk that some pieces of wood and nylon strings could have such potential.

I'm sure that from the outside, the music was terrible. But it wasn't meant for the outside, it was meant for us while we were in that late-night studio. It was a good feeling. A complete feeling. All-encompassing, even.

Saturday I went to class, and afterwards I did some running-around before landing back at the studio. There were some random first year students in there with me, which I found far too discomforting. Alas, I remained and working until 11 something or other, and I finally couldn't stand sitting there any more, so I packed up my things and ran away. I got in my car, and followed a highway until it turned into a road, and then until it was scarecely a road at all. I followed it out of town a ways, and then I pulled over and got out.

Looking back, there was an orange glow of the city hanging low in the cloudy sky. In the other direction, though, was Black. Nothing. There was not a streetlamp or hint of moonlight or other passing cars to illuminate the road before me. I could make out a faint horizon. But there wasn't a sound aside from the wind in the grass, a wind coming from where I was facing. But there was snow coming down - again, though, I was standing in such a lack of light that I couldn't see them come down. I could just feel them against my face. And as I stood there, I had the undeniable impression that I was staring into the total void of a storm waltzing towards me. I want to say that it was a profound moment. I don't know what it meant, or why it was so noteworthy. It just felt like I was standing on the edge of Nothing and looking it straight in the eye. And whatever it was, it was making its way toward me.

I strolled up the middle of the "road" a little ways, further into the stormy emptiness. I turned back, and saw the city's sickly-orange glimmer littering a far-away sky. I could just make out the smooth edges of my car, faintly illuminated by this Otherworldly glow. I don't know why, but that part made me smile. It's nice to have a vessel that will spirit me away from life when I'm about ready split. And in this case, it spirited me away to this brink of a furious void that I couldn't see, but could feel it's approaching presence. I was standing in its place of potential; where it was about to be. It's a weird feeling to look into the dark and not see, but to know that something's coming.

Then I turned my back on it, sauntered back to the car, washed ashore at my house, slept.
-Cril

Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Fear today, forgot tomorrow
Here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk

And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive

Saybia - Ordinary World

Little Compositions

It's midnight. I should either be doing homework or sleeping. As you may be able to tell, at this moment I'm doing approximately none of those things. I just had another unremarkable day. Worked on four projects, and had confidence with none of them. Stayed on campus until 11. But. I did so in the company of two classmates, and you know what? It was nice. It was good to spend some quiet time around them while we slogged ahead with our assignments, with the odd bout of chatter that would rise up and pop like a bubble before we got back to work. And right now, on this evening where the ends of my weathered rope are particularly frayed and their hold uncertain... I feel okay about things.

Dare I say, I'm even looking forward to fourth year. Not because of my skill or ability or the assignments or being close to being done. Hell, it's still far too soon to be excited for that last part. But I'm excited because I'll get to spend some time around some interesting, decent people. Sure, we may not be the best of friends, and the close connections I particularly long for are pretty scarce... But it's been really amazing to see some of them grow as designers and people. Seeing this amazing talent emerge from unexpected places, and how excited it makes the people that get to wield those new-found skills. With each step it feels like I drift a bit further behind, but I love being able to witness that kind of enthusiasm and creativity. And we're all still able to laugh and work together. It's nice being part of something like that, even as someone that always finds himself in the spectator's seat.

Above all else, I find I'm excited at the possibility of having a ukulele, second-hand electric keyboard, a melodica, and a beaten-all-to-hell guitar floating around the studio. Maybe even a drum of some sort, and finally a minifridge. That's the kind of stuff that will stand out as the best part of an education.

I have no idea what tomorrow will bring. But for now, that's okay. It's nice to have something that you know you can look forward to.
-Cril

Orbital - Waving Not Drowning

Simian Stroll

I had two interesting experiences Thursday. Well, technically Thursday and the first few minutes of Friday, but you get the point.

Thursday I went to work as usual, and at some point in the afternoon I went out with a co-worker to grab a Slurpee. I'm honestly not sure when the last time was that I had one of those... My best guess is three(ish) years ago. Which is kinda scary, considering in was such a staple of diet in my youth. But I digress. I consumed said Slurpee (of the root beer variety, if you're curious), and continued to work. I think it gave me a little bit of an unsettled stomach for a little bit, but other than that, all was good. I left the office several hours later and went to visit some friends for dinner.

We had a grand ol' time chatting and so forth, and eventually sat down to eat. And as I finished up my first serving, things started to go... Wonky. I wasn't dizzy, but it felt like I was being slowly pulled out of reality. Like there was a fog, and I had found myself submerged in some kind of syrup. Then I started to feel a bit warm. Loosened my collar a bit, and did my best to keep up with conversation. And then I started sweating like mad, which was odd considering how totally cold my skin felt. I mentioned I was feelin' kinda weird, and my hosts informed me that it looked like the blood had started a mass exodus from my face. Following their prompting, I went and crashed on their couch for a little bit. I slowly returned to normal over the next half-hour or so, but the fact that my body had thrown a complete meltdown over the course of about five minutes was impressive, worrisome, and absolutely surreal to experience.

I really have no idea what happened or what prompted it - my friends told me that it might be sheer exhaustion catching up to me. I've been feeling much better since, so I know it wasn't an allergic reaction or some other flu/sickness... It came and beat me over the head and took the rest of the evening to fade off. It's like my system crashed spectacularly and then did a hard restart, taking a while to get things back up and running again. I've never experienced anything like that before.


Onto Interesting Thing #2. I got home later that evening, still feeling a little bit uneasy. So I pretty much went straight to bed. Lo and behold, midnight rolls around and my phone rings. I jump out of bed to grab it - a call this late has to be important, right? Uh-oh, it says it's a friend from school. I hope everything's alright. Answer, say a groggy "Hello, Chris speaking," and... Rustling noise. Muffled conversation. And then my friend answers in a very up-beat manner, full of slurred speech and rambling disjointed phrases. I could hear other people around him, joking around. I've never been drunk dialed before! How exciting!

First thing he told me was that he was going through his phone, drunk dialing all his contacts. Another classmate then comes on with him and they asked me what I was doing. I replied that I was feeling kinda sick and was about to go to bed. They said I should stop doing homework. I said no, I'm not feeling well so I'm going to bed a bit early. They told me I shouldn't be doing homework this late. I gave up on trying to convince them I wasn't, in fact, doing homework.

My friend then informs me (again with the help of the classmate) that I should learn how to drink and get drunk, and that they are the perfect teachers for the job. Nay, masters from which I can learn their knowledge and skill. We laughed a bit, and then my friend takes over the phone solo to tell me a quote by some philosopher. He stumbled through it, assuring me that this was his effort to act intelligent while drunk. But the gist of the quote was something to the effect of how it's our immature moments that kind of define us - give us a chance to learn, put us in unexpected situations that'll let us experience things we might not have otherwise. Despite the lack of eloquence with which it was delivered, it was a really interesting idea.

I asked him if he was telling me this because he thought I should be more immature. He said yes.

From there, things drew to a close so that they could move on to call the next person in the contact list while they were walking to the next bar. I got the obligatory "I love you" that comes from drunk people, and that was it. But the truth had slipped out already.

It doesn't really surprise me that people (particularly classmates) view me as mature.  Too mature, even. Probably that I work hard, work too much, don't have fun or unwind... I'm probably the very definition of square. And hell, let's face it - had it not been for a colossal bodily meltdown, I would have been doing homework when they called. It's what I do, even on the first evening of a long weekend.

But it's still kinda surprising/jarring to hear that kind of an opinion in person, even if you expect that it's already lurking there. Makes me wonder what they say about me when I'm not around. I wish I could get more candid truth like this drunken candor showed me a glimpse of.




Maybe I could afford to be more immature. Maybe as that botched quote suggested, I'd learn a lot more about myself and the world, and I'd be a more rounded individual. I can't say that learning to get drunk is the way to do it per se, but the idea of being less mature might have some merit to it.

I dunno. I feel like both the sudden illness...thing and the drunk dialing are supposed to be a part of the same message that the world is trying to tell me. I'm not quite sure how to decipher it, though. Is it as simple as "relax and live every once in a while"? I don't know. But it made for one hell of a night. Lots to think about.

And now, unfortunately, the homework wheel must grind on. Heh.
-Cril

Lippy kids on the corner again
Lippy kids on the corner begin
Settling like crows
Though I never perfected the simian stroll
The cigarettes and it was everything then

Do they know those days are golden?
Build a rocket boys
Build a rocket boys
One long June
I came down from the trees
and kerbstone cool
You were a freshly painted angel
Walking on walls
Stealing booze and hour long hungry kisses
And nobody knew me at home anymore

Build a rocket boys
Build a rocket boys
Build a rocket boys

Elbow - Lippy Kids

Verbal Doodle - "I was trying so hard to be myself I was turning into somebody else."

I was trying so hard to be myself I was turning into somebody else. It was an easy trap to fall into. Look around you the next time you’re swimming in a sea of other people. People that are coming and going and chatting and acting and just floating past. And you think to yourself, hrm, where do I fit into all of this anyways? So you take some chunk of you that you think is the best you have, and use it as a simple landmark to frame your base of operations around. But this landmark gets blown out of proportions, and before you know it… It’s not just a landmark, it defines who you are. So you’re stuck with this… Thing that had honest origins, sure, but has grown into something completely different. And who is this new person, as a result? It’s not someone you or anyone else would recognize. You've become just another person drifting within a pool of faces. No one will remember, no one will recall. One more unique landmark in a sea of unique landmarks.

Little Fish

So, yeah. I'm really burned out right now. I'm a crispy pile of fresh ash. Still warm, even.

I don't know what exactly happened over the last week, but I've just kinda lost all of my drive. I don't have much enthusiasm for my current projects, and I'm having a really tough time sitting down and putting together enough concentration to actually get work done. Even in the initial process phase I can't quite get excited with anything I want to do. I was hoping that this wonderful collapse would at least happen after the semester finished, but that's not the case. So what now? The same as always. Get 'er done. Throw some crap together, keep banging my head against the wall, and hope that the sticky, splattered results will at least get me a pass. Lots of work and lots of concentration riding on a total lack of drive. It's a tricky gamble. But what else is there to do, really?

I tried to relax a bit today and not push myself so much. Hopefully it'll help. But I won't lie, it's been hard. I feel like I've thrown away a weekend, when there's a lot of stuff I should be doing. I guess that's just how it goes when I've been at it so long.




Looking at it, and after having talked to a friend and receiving the digital equivalent of a smack upside the head, I'm really gettin' tired of my crappy attitude. It's the same thing all the time. "I'm tired, I'm stressed, I'm busy, etc etc." It's gettin' old and trite. And there's more to life than that, really. But it's tough when I'm so focused and submerged in this one mode of living for so long. And I want out, but that time isn't quite yet, unfortunately.

I really, really want to be done. For the semester, sure, but I really want to be done with school, period. Here's hopin' I can collect enough wind over the summer that I can have something at my back to push me through fourth year. And then... Life.
-Cril

With your feet in the air and your head on the ground
Try this trick and spin it, yeah
Your head will collapse
If there's nothing in it
And you'll ask yourself
Where is my mind?

Yoav feat Emily Browning - Where is My Mind?