That Day

It's That Day today. I came to write something about how I don't like it, how you shouldn't wait for one day to express your feelings, and how last year's That Day was even worse (despite my being un-single at the time). I even made a shitty sketch thing to go with it. But instead I've just seemed to have... lost all my steam. I have nothing to add to this mess. So instead of writing more, I'll just stop.

Yes, I know I used 'even' in two consecutive sentences there, but I just. Don't. Care.

Now I just have to find a way to waste away the rest of the evening until I get to sleep.
-Cril

"I don't currently have a bad guy"

I don't think I've ever gone to see a movie on my own. Like eating at a restaurant, it's one of those activities that has implied social connotations. But it's even stranger for movies because, ultimately, you spend an hour or two watching a screen in silence. All the socializing is done to kill time while the previews prattle on, or as discussion after it's concluded. The standard family activity, or way to kill a couple hours with a friend. Add in dinner, and you have yourself the ideal/cliche date night.

I've never really had that feeling with concerts, for some reason. I guess it was because I knew if I waited to find someone to join me, I'd never get to go. I don't have to worry about finding enough seats together, or defend my taste in music. If there was a performance I want to see, I go see it. If I can get someone else in on the action, sure, but that isn't a prerequisite.

For the last half of my stay in New York I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend. We got along pretty well, were pretty open about our interests, and didn't really hesitate to get the other involved even if it wasn't their favourite thing in the world. We had a lot of good adventures, and I'm really glad we were together. It allowed me to see a lot more of the city, and in a totally different light than what I knew.

At one point along the way, we of course decided to go to a movie. I chose the Lego Move; I was feeling kind of homesick, and it was something I had promised my younger cousin we'd get to see together long before my living circumstances took me deep into left field. She wasn't particularly interested in the title, but because it was something I really wanted to do she agreed.

It was a really, really good memory. Just the two of us, having some simple fun. I was learning that you could have a relationship where the both of you could bring a positive attitude to something as simple as a dorky movie. It wasn't high art by any stretch of the imagination and it wasn't tied to her interests at all, but that didn't stop us from laughing at the jokes and holding hands and chatting as we left the theater.

When I heard that there was a Lego Batman movie in the works, I was a bit hesitant about the premise (can that interpretation of Batman be enjoyable for a whole film?). It automatically adopted the same feelings I got from seeing the previous Lego title, though, and I found myself thinking, "Man, I'd love to see that with someone!"

Once I returned to Calgary, the next relationship I had did not share that same open, positive dynamic as I had before.

It wasn't until that relationship came to a close that Lego Batman came back up on my radar. As the release date drew near, "I can't wait to find someone to see that with!" slowly changed into "I'm not going to find someone to see that with." So far my experiences with dating has been observing my failures mount while I nervously look around at conspicuously absent successes.

So the movie came out this week. The reviews were good. And my outlook was becoming, "I'm not going to get to see this, am I?"

But screw that.

I thought I was past the soul-crushing loneliness, but I'm not. It's been a really tough week. Fun fact, I realized that the six tiles in my 'favourite contacts' section on my phone consist of my mom and uncle (pinned as emergency numbers), the old Asian lady I give occasional tech support to, and three blank squares.

It's been hard to stay at home on the weekends, when I don't have enough work to distract myself. And yeah, I've only been at it for a month and a half, but dating has made me feel more isolated than ever. I remember a couple months ago, and I wasn't this lonely. Then I think back to my time in ACAD when I was really alone. I used to be good at this stuff. Maybe it's time for a return of form.

I think dating is tough because you have to essentially admit, "I want to be with somone", and from there it's a slippery slope into getting attached to the notion of, "I will find someone". And when that someone remains elusive... You simultaneously get to bask in the glory of failing to find them as well as your sustained and unavoidable isolation.

So I saw Lego Batman this afternoon, on my own. For the record, it was funny as hell. Sometimes I found Batman to be a bit grating, but the jokes were bang on and it was beautiful to watch. I enjoyed laughing like an idiot for a bit, crammed between two different families.

And I saw it alone, of course. There's only so much 'care' a person can allocate. I need to care less about this mysterious other person, and care more about living my life. I'm not guaranteed companionship, and I'm not owed any. It's my job to play the best damn single player campaign I can, and if I get a wingman along the way, that's awesome. But it's very, very premature and very, very stupid to plan life around the presence of a person that might not be out there.

That doesn't mean I won't keep an eye open for them. Just that I'll have to keep that eye open while I'm off doing my own thing.
-Cril

So come out of your cave walking on your hands
And see the world hanging upside down
You can understand dependence
When you know the maker's hand

So make your siren's call
And sing all you want
I will not hear what you have to say

'Cause I need freedom now
And I need to know how
To live my life as it's meant to be

Mumford and Sons  - The Cave

Still Here

Yesterday was really hard. Today was too, but not as much. Tomorrow will be even less hard.

But here I am, I finally made it through the day. And I'll make it through tomorrow.
-Cril

Month One: Dating Sucks

Fun fact: Girls are horrible at making conversation.

Yeah, I know this is a wild over-generalization based on a tiny sample size. I've just thrown in the towel on Bumble after trying it for a month. I had a lot of strained conversations where no matter what I asked or commented, all I got in return was short, one-sentence replies that utterly failed to maintain conversational momentum. Made me feel like a bit of an idiot until I realized that a discussion is a two way street. Sure, maybe I'm the antithesis of stimulating communication, but it doesn't seem like any notable effort was made by the other half of participants to... participate.

I'm slowly trying to untangle the mess that is online dating to find something that works for me. I kinda dove in with the understanding that girls get an unlimited amount of attention, and therefore any female's attention is a hot commodity. But at the end of the day, there are as many single dudes running around as single ladies. The dating construction creates a weird interpretation of supply and demand.

So after a month of trying, I managed to talk with two girls for a significant amount of time. Of those, I went on three dates with the a girl until... We fizzled out. Hot off the realization that all women aren't necessarily awesome and that I can be entitled to having an opinion in the matter, I sent my first ever rejection text. She said she felt the same way. Being the people-pleaser I am, I wanted to have a good stiff drink and then run a drill bit through my my skull.

I seem to flip flop between the notion of "I girl would be lucky to have me, and I can take my time living a kickass life on my own until the right lady comes along" versus "I am soul-crushingly lonely and will never find anyone". I think dating is like putting a person through a pressure cooker. Everything becomes more intense, until something somewhere gives. I'm trusting that as I keep going I'll get used to rejection and won't let my hopes carry me away too far. I'll approach this whole ordeal with a mild anthropological curiosity, seeing what works and what people are like.

For now, though, I just don't seem to have any momentum whatsoever. I've spent this weekend floating around my apartment like the torn remnants of a plastic bag in a light breeze.

I figure to keep things interesting, I'll try a different platform each month and only use it once every few days. I think I need new/better profile pics.

And that opens up the whole, huge can of worms that is dating advice. A lot of it is insightful, a lot of it is pure fluff, and some of it is... Sticky. One afternoon I fell down the rabbit hole of dating advice for guys, and came across some seminar series for guys. About how you need to be confident and cocky and funny and mysterious. I'm sure if you follow all that advice, it works. But the question it raises is... Do I want to be that kind of guy? The answer is always 'no'. I don't want to be a smooth stud. I just want to be me.

Now that's not to say I'm perfect the way I am, because I know I'm not. There's a lot of good advice out there I know I can and should apply to improve myself. Some of it, though, just seems to cross the line over into territory where I get the feeling it'd be less about being a better version of myself than being an imitation of someone else entirely. That just makes me feel kinda gross. I'd rather be me.

And if that isn't appealing to anyone, well... It'll be time to give up on finding someone and focus on playing the best Single Player Campaign I can.

When the new year rolled around, I decided I wanted to fail more often. That'd mean that I'm taking more chances and not playing it so safe. Maybe this whole dating thing will fill that quota up nicely. If it doesn't, that'd be great. And if it does... That's okay too.
-Cril