I wonder what it's like...

to not care that much about how well you perform at your job. I have such a hard time when I screw up at work. I always have to beat myself up about it. I found out today I goofed an order last week. And all of the sudden, I find myself wonder just why I haven't been canned yet. No, I don't usually mess up all that often, but... It makes me feel worthless when I do. I just can't let it go as an average mistake. It's like I'm blaming myself as if it was done on purpose.

Now, I'm not a perfect employee. But I try hard. And it just never feels good enough. Because when things are doing okay I feel adequate, and when things are doing badly I feel next to worthless. I try, I really do. But somedays the smallest error really hits home. It might not be a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but to me the small things just stack up. I hate it. I guess that's because whenever I mess up I think "What else did I miss?" It calls everything else into question.

Is it bad that I always feel like I could've done a better job? Is it bad that I try to put in an extra 15-30mins in at the end of the day because I'm not sure if I was productive enough? Is it bad that I think I'm not usually an employee worth keeping?

I wish I knew. But to think all this is over $100 of extra product that's getting returned anyways...
-Cril

Don't want to let it lay me down this time
Drown my will to fly
Here in the darkness I know myself
Can't break free until I let it go
Let me go

Darling, I forgive you after all
Anything is better than to be alone
And in the end I guess I had to fall
Always find my place among the ashes

Evanescence - Lithium

What dark/emo lyrics...