Re: Competition

After looking over the last post, I've come to the realization that I'm a really competitive guy. And I'm really not to happy about that. But at the same time, I'm not. Let me elaborate. Or try to, at least.

I think I tend to have an on/off mode with things - I really want to do something well, or I'd really rather not put my self in place to compete at all. It's a pretty binary thing. There were some people at school that were totally content with that middle ground; their work was rather mediocre, they didn't log any overly long hours to get things done... And they were okay with that. That wasn't my schtick, though. I wanted to push things and try to make something above average. Maybe I didn't have the sheer skill, but I could dump a lot of time and concentration into something to move it along.

Now, my goal wasn't to be able to say "YES, I DID BETTER THAN YOU AND YOU AND YOU." I just wanted to make something good. And that's kinda been my schtick. Make something good. And good, for me I guess, is defined as something like "better than average". And by default, that puts me into competition with ye average design student. But I'm really not interested in competing. I don't want scoreboards, I don't want attention. With the few times I've received scholarships or whatever, I don't go around telling everyone; I'm really self-concious about it and really don't want to make a big deal out of it. I'll tell a few close friends, but that's about it.

It's not about being above other people, I just want to fuel my own internal desire to be good at something. And that's why I haven't looked at my grades in a couple of years - I don't want to compete with other students, and I really can't stand that feeling of "you screwed that up, you should've/could've done better." And, as I've always told myself, the grades don't matter. What matters is what the actual industry people want.

And that's what I discovered at the portfolio show - that the industry people weren't too terribly interested. So... I'm not quite as 'good' as I was hoping (...yet?), while other people are. They're the ones that get the opportunities that I was looking for as an indication that I had achieve said 'good', if not 'exceptional'. Sigh. Someday, someday.

So, just to recap: I really don't want to be competitive, but I want to be good at what I do. The problem, though, is that the only way I can do this is through competition, to some degree.

Life sure is weird and boggling sometimes.
-Cril

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

Pink Martini - Hold on Little Tomato