I guess, financially, it's been a good two weeks. I sold my old car that I left back home. I got less than I wanted for it, but to be honest I'm glad that it went to a new home. I hate that it sat there for so long with so little love. Sounds stupid, but I get attached to my car(s). This one in particular because it was the first one I bought on my own. I hauled all of my possessions over the Rockies with it, too. Apparently the new owner will keep the decals. 1996 Honda Civic CX... You will be missed.
I also scored a scholarship, which is nice. I wasn't expecting it at all, and there it was. I gotta finish writing up a 'thank you' note before I can collect it, though. There's also an awards ceremony some time, but I doubt I'll end up going. Hey, I don't get GPA-based awards by taking evenings off when I should be doing homework.
And to round it out, I finished up the month of February in the black. That's not counting the car/scholarship. I was in the black for January too, but I don't expect this trend to last. But that's another post.
It's interesting, though. I suddenly get all this money, and as it comes in I see it as already allocated and spent. Car money? Oh, that'll cover X months of rent. Scholarship? That'll put summer tires on the car. Save a few bucks at the end of the month? School supplies.
Part of me wants to say "Wow, look at all this money I didn't expect to have - I should do something fun with a little bit of it!" And then the obvious question... Do what? Spend it on a book I won't get around to reading? A movie I don't have time to watch? A game I don't have the opportunity to get into? Well, there's certainly that...
Steam recently updated their UI. I was waiting for some paint to dry, so figured it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I boot it up, and low-and-behold Wings of Prey is on sale for 50% off. How about that, it's been a while since I've played a decent WWII flight sim. Back to the homework, paint away. I'm kinda interested, so I come back, check out the screenies and scan a review or two. More homework, while I ponder if I should plunk down some (digital) cash. I mean, it looks gorgeous and the reviews are pretty good. On the other hand, I wouldn't even get to touch it until the summer. But it is on sale, and I'm a penny-pinching scrooge. I'll also be able to see the new Steam checkout process if I buy it. Paints dry, game is purchased. Well, I mean, I'm over here slaving away for the rest of the day, I'm barely using my computer at all. Looks like Steam has spiffy new bandwidth monitoring stats and management. Why not set it to download the game? Let's do it! And the rest of the day was spent on homework, and the download didn't quite finish. But the very next day... More homework. Game finishes. Hmm, well, it couldn't hurt to just boot it up and watch the intro movie, no? I'm not gunna play it, but I kinda want to see what it's about. Sure, why not, that'll only take a few minutes! Man, that looked good! Back to homework. Main menu looked clean... I wonder what features are there? Go back, check out settings and game modes, and what's this? TUTORIAL MISSIONS? Well... Those are usually pretty short. More painting. Well, okay. Just one, so I can check out the in-game visuals in real time. Yeah. LOLOMFGROFLMAOWTFBBQ I WANT MOAR! Must... Paint... Well, one more tutorial couldn't hurt. It's pretty quick.
Seven tutorials and an hour later, I had come to three startling realizations. First, I'm fairly certain that this is exactly how it feels to be a recovered alcoholic or crack addict that returns to the habit. Next, I had just brushed off an entire hour's worth of being productive, which was really not a good idea considering how much homework I still had to do. Third, and the most concerning epiphany... I had been reinfected with the WWII aviation bug.
For those of you who don't know, for a few years in highschool I had been inflicted with this problem to an alarming degree. I amassed so much related literature that, to this day, I have more WWII flight books in my library than all other genres combined. I have stacks of posters and old calendars featuring these most gorgeous mechanical contraptions that man has ever conceived. I used to play Jane's WWII Fighters day in and day out for months on end. This ain't no mild curiosity or hobby. It's a fever, a curse, an irresistible fixation. The game is a mere catalyst. I want to read about the Russian rookies flying in the Eastern Front. I want first-hand accounts of what it was like to land an ME-163. I want to research the difference between the Merlin and Gryffon engines, and know which Spitfire models they were used in. I want to know it all, I want to experience it all.
So when I say that it's times like this that I really, truly regret enrolling is school, understand that I'm not just saying "weh i want to play meh gamez". This is nothing short of a passion, in it's truest sense. And I can't pursue it. I can't touch it. I need to stay far away from it, and focus on finishing assignments I hate for classes I don't enjoy. I have this... need running through my veins. It's more than a simple craving - it's something that makes my mind GO. It excites me and makes me think and I enjoy every second of it. And I need to resist it, all because of time. Particularly the lack thereof.
While chugging away at homework this weekend, I've been listening to some old episodes of RadioLab to keep myself distracted. I went as far back into their archives as I could get, and I listened to two hours' worth of programming based on the subject of time itself. People that embrace it, people that resist it, what it is, what it isn't. Of course, they covered the theory of relativity. Basically, in a nutshell, the faster you are moving, the slower time is. Time is slower for a humming bird, and faster for a great humpback whale. Get on a jet (this has been proven, btw) and fly around at crazy-go-nuts speeds, and when you land your clock will be lagging a bit behind the ground-based time it was synchronized to before the flight.
So, basically, I need a friggin' fast jet to fly around in so I can catch up on my homework and get that opportunity to bathe in WWII aviation goodness. How much would it cost to build such a vehicle? How much would they charge for flights? This got me onto an interesting train of thought - how much would I pay for time itself? $5-$10 for an hour? That's pretty reasonable. $200 a day? Pushing it, but I'd go for it.
It's scary - I've realized that, right now, I have more money than time. It certainly flips the perceived value for those two things. It's an odd conclusions to come to, especially for someone who is perpetually worried about his finances.
In those RadioLab podcasts, they continued on to talk about choice. That when you decide to do something, say wiggle your finger, your brain activity spikes before you even decide to do it. It brings up burning questions about free will and agency. They had a physicist on who discussed choices themselves, and how some believe that every choice we make spawns an alternate universe. There is a reality out there, somewhere, for every choice we can make.
Well, if that's the case... To the Chris that chose to drop out of school this week: Play an air battle for me, sir. Revel in it. Satisfy that demon that is simultaneously nipping at your heels and devouring you whole. Do it for me. And if you ever find out why some Supermarine Spitfire variants (like the XVI) had the cutoff/squared wingtips, I'd love to hear it.
-Cril
Duke Ellington - Mood Indigo
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