First Impressions and Depressions

Yesterday:
Started off with Visual Literacy, which is kinda lecture-based, with take-home projects every week. It's about breaking a literal/linear thinking style, and thinking more creatively. It's something I know I need - his description of the course and saying what it's for really struck a chord with me and all the creative issues I've been having for... A long time.

The next class I had was called "Design for Good", which is a bunch of projects, some for social change/improvement, and some for non-profit organizations. The prof seemed like a really nice woman, and said a big focus was on what is actually perceived from your work, versus what you intend to be perceived. Seemed kinda okay, and I can appreciate the desire to do something positive with your skills... But at this point I'm really craving career prospects, so I think I might ditch this one. It doesn't seem as helpful for my portfolio. The assignment for next week is to do a presentation that doesn't use any words to communicate 10 things we want to see more of in the world, and 10 things we want less of. Meh...

After that, I had a class for Cinema 4D, which is like... 3D After Effects/animation. I wasn't a fan of the prof's work too much. He seems like a cool guy and has lots of big clients, but I just see small/niggly things in his work that makes me feel like he isn't quite a total pro. And his work is just a lot of shiny animation stuff for broadcast channels and commercials, which didn't interest me too much. But nevertheless, I'm excited to learn the program, and really looking forward to the course.

Last class I had was for Information Graphics. The prof is a HUGE designer for Conde Nast (a big magazine publication house), with a good sense of humour, an awesome portfolio, and a true love for his field of information design. The difference between him and the illustration prof I had for the ACAD equivalent is night and day. I'm really excited to see how the course unfolds.

This morning:

This morning I had a "portfolio" class. It's basically a two-semester class to create miscellaneous projects to round out your body of work with personal-ish projects and prepare an actual portfolio. I'm really excited for this last part, because I feel like ACAD gave me NOTHING in that regard. This particular class is taught by two people, an older Russian lady and a younger American dude, and focuses on finding your personality and core values, and incorporating motion with print. We did an exercise where we answered ~30 personal questions on small sticky notes, and put them up on a wall. I now need to take all those miscellaneous answers and try to map them out in a way that makes sense of them all. It's kinda weird... Way more touchy-feely than I'm used to.

I have another portfolio class tonight with Paula Scher, a famous designer at Pentagram. The thing is, she needs to evaluate my portfolio to decide whether or not I can be a part of the class... So I might not get in. If that's the case, I'll stick with the previous case. If I do get in, I'll probably go with this one just because of who I'll be learning under. But we'll see how it goes.

This evening:
I didn't make the cut with Ms. Scher. It was incredibly nerve-wracking and simultaneously exhilarating. I mean, I got to sit in Pentagram while she looked at portfolios of the some 30 students that showed up to attend a class that could only accommodate 18. And I sat there, anxious as all hell, hoping I'd get in and wondering what it'd be like to study under her for two semesters. What my portfolio would look like. What I'd be able to tell people when interviewing. Then we were told to come collect our portfolios, and mine was in the pile that meant "you can go home".

Which caused a bunch of ugly beasts to rear their ugly heads. Again, I find myself smacking into the wall of my competitive nature. This time, though, it came with a little bit of new clarity as to why I don't like that part of myself. I realized that the high I get from doing well or "winning" in a competitive situation is pretty mild and short lived. The low I get from failing, meanwhile, is pretty devastating and lasts a while. For a time this summer, I found myself wondering how silly it may have been for me to not know my grades. And I think this reinforces my decision to not know. There's more value in me just being happy with my work for what I've produced, rather than looking at a number that either makes me mildly/temporarily satisfied or incredibly frustrated with myself.

Similarly, I find myself wondering... What the hell am I doing here? I'm not just not one of the better in the class... I'm in the lowest third of the students that attended. I mean, damn. I know I'm not the bottom of all students in the whole school, but I guess I thought that, maybe, the scholarship meant I was of a certain skill level that I'd at least be in decent standing among the students at SVA. I mean, hell, in theory I've had a year more of education then anyone else there, right?

I mean, why the hell did my prof from ACAD send me here in the first place? Is it some sort of cruel joke? Why would he send me if I'm so obviously out of my depth? I feel so clueless. It kinda illuminates this twisted idea that I got the scholarship because I'm so far from being at a professional level that I need another year of school yet before maybe I'll be ready.

Sigh, now that last paragraph was a pretty angry knee-jerk, self-destructive reaction to wondering what's going on and what I'm doing here in the first place. I know that the prof that got me this scholarship went out of his way to do so, and essentially asked for a personal/professional favour to get it for me. And I know he really cares about his students, and he wouldn't have done all this if it wasn't going to be worth while.

But... Why me? Why am I here? He told me that SVA is looking for students "of a certain profile" for this scholarship. What profile is that?

I feel like there's so much pressure to do well, and I want to do well, but I'm completely out of my depth, and maybe I've tricked people into thinking I'm capable of more than I actually am.

What am I doing here?

Regardless of the answer to that question, the fact of the matter is that I am indeed here. In New York. Going to a prestigious school. Taking a bunch of cool courses with a bunch of awesome professors. That seems to strip me of any right to whine or complain about any circumstance.

But it doesn't seem to strip me of my quandary.
-Cril

Escala feat. Slash - Kashmir