A Facebook conversation, in two messages:
Me:
Hey dude, I don't know if you remember me or not, but we attended [highschool] together for a couple years. If you do remember me, you probably think that I'm a total dick.
Those years sucked for me, and I tried to make myself feel better by being like the cool kids and picking on other people, like you. I remember hassling you about a lot of stupid stuff, and I don't have a single good excuse for it.
I'm sorry for what I did, for whatever that's worth. I can't take it all back like I wish I could, but if I had another shot at it I would've tried to do right by you.
I hope your life is kicking ass, and things are way better for you than those crappy [highschool] days.
Him:
ya i remember alot of people from those day mind you i went to 5 or 6 high schools and was bullied in everyone of them do i deserve it probably but school was hell for everyone and better me then those who cant handle it as for life kicking ass not really seems im in for more punishment had cancer once and am now fighting it a second time but surviving either way thanks
---
My first couple of years in highschool were amazing in one single, tiny regard: I discovered that the few nerdy friends I had meant that there was, in fact, one single rung below me on the social ladder. Those six inches were intoxicating, because we had someone to look down on. And that last remaining caste? Other nerdy, mal-adjusted individuals just like me, but without the protective safety of numbers. For the first time in my life, I got to pass along some of the bullying that I was oh-so-accustomed to receiving.
I directed it at two or three other boys, and it was something that I (thankfully) grew out of within a few years. It's true, kids are terrible to each other. And as much as I wish(ed) I was above it, I was not. So verbal harassment ensued.
One of these kids knew how to give as good as he got. I like to think we're even, and I have some respect for the guy.
Alas, long after getting out of public education, my experience with the last two lurked around the back of my head. In search of relief, I took to Facebook.
My second, er, victim, was a strange one that was always alone and compulsively lied about everything. He made it easy to systematically pick him apart, until one day someone casually mentioned that he had probably never owned a new jacket in his life. I stopped teasing him from that moment onward, and was internally embarrassed that it took someone else to open my eyes. Ten or so years later, I found this kid on Facebook, apologized, and he accepted. He added me as a friend (whatever that even means these days), and although we haven't talked since, I think the air was cleared.
The third guy took some work. He had the misfortune of moving a lot and therefore not having any friends and maybe being socially half a step behind. Like a good pack of wolves, we knew how to isolate the stragglers and circle around. Unfortunately, I couldn't for the life of remember his last name. I even browsed through my single, cringy yearbook. No luck.
A girl I didn't recognize added me on FB, and in talking to her I discovered she was one of the odd ducks from our grade. Turns out she was being sexually abused as a kid, and has since owned her past and is working as an advocate for the issue. Mad respect for her. It's a not-so-subtle reminder to be kinder to those who don't quite fit in because you don't know what they're dealing with. I asked her about the name to Bullied Kid #3, and she remembered who it was.
I found him, and the above conversation occurred. I sent one unsolicited message, and received a single reply. I never wrote back.
How do you reply to what essentially boils down to "Everyone was shit to me, I probably deserved it, and now I have cancer"? With silence, that's how. Like the self-serving coward I am.
I don't think I'm equipped to reply. Even if I could empathize with a life experience of that caliber garbage, words of solace wouldn't mean anything coming from someone that actively contributed to the heap. Did you know that stress is believed to be linked to cancer risk?
I've been sitting on that two-message conversation for years now. It makes me feel incredibly shallow that I can't even offer up some kind of platitude. Instead it's been reduced to an eternal ellipsis in the back of my head. Maybe that's punishment enough. Which, really, is some weak-ass karma. I deserve worse.
The length of my earthly journey has pretty much doubled since those awful highschool days. For the latter half I think I've done a better job of approaching everyone with a bit more grace and sympathy. If nothing else, I think I can confidently say that I don't contribute the same toxicity into the world.
We were just kids. Dumb kids, with developing brains trying to understand how to fit in with a world full of other humans. Maybe I deserve to offer an apology to myself for what I've done. And maybe I -deserve to forgive myself too.
-Cril
If you want to go to heaven when you D-I-EYou got to put on your collar and your T-I-E now
Got him over, give him Coca-Cola lemon soda, saucer of ice cream
Takes soap and water for to keep it clean
