An Open (And Unsent) Letter to My Classmates

After spending four years with a group of people, I've come to the harsh reality that I might not see many, if any, ever again. And among the ~40 people in my program, a lot of them I think I'll genuinely miss getting to be around. The times when these people have reached out to me with bits of encouragement and helped me see my own strengths have really made an impact on me. I found myself thinking, "Wouldn't it be great if I could do the same thing in return?" And while it may take some work to build up that kind of courage, I at least thought that it deserves to be written down. Who knows. Maybe I'll find the strength sooner than later. No one minds a compliment, right? Especially from someone they might not see again. But I digress...

Danielle - You struggled in spots, but you fought through it and worked hard. I have lots of respect for you. Also, you have the most incredible hair I've ever seen. Seriously, I thought that was the stuff of magazine photo shoots, and not every day at art school. And it meant a lot to me that you'd send me songs you'd think I'd dig.

Matt - I loved the way your face lit up when you laughed. You have a good eye for technology and make some well-detailed, tight work.

Alyssa - You have such a sweet demeanor. I was blown away at how you came into your own during third year, and I'm wildly jealous of your touch for handwritten typography. Thanks for saying hello to me in the cheerful and warm way you do. It felt good to talk to you, including that one time at that one party where we talked about religion, philosophy and relationships. I'm glad I had someone to listen to Christmas music with on those late, cold, December nights in the studio.

Marta - I'm impressed by your confidence and how easy it was for you to laugh out loud.

Kate - I admire your good nature, intelligence and articulate...ness. You have a pretty good sense of humour to boot, and certain flavour nerdiness that was unfortunately lacking in most of our other classmates.

Gail - You're a sweet soul, and I envy your understanding/welcoming attitude. I admire your determination, not just with the coursework but also the cultural mountain you had to climb. It was cool seeing your dad at graduation, especially knowing your deep personal history you had shared with us all. You wore your heart on your sleeve, and I like that. You strike me as being very trustworthy.

Justine - You're always striving to push your concept farther and harder, and it shows in your work. I'm jealous of your ability to concentrate on what's important and strive for excellence.

Liz - It seemed like you had a rough go of things over the last four years, but you never said a negative word about anyone. I hope things work out for you, wherever life takes you.

Nikki - You laugh and smile a lot. You're an uplifting person to have around.

Laura S - I can tell that you were always analyzing and thinking about things behind your gentle presence. I appreciate your work and your insights.

Mike K - You can be kinda quiet and shy, but you should know that you're a solid guy to be around.

Kristin - You're a sincere person, and give off a really welcoming and safe aura. Thanks for welcoming me into your home for that project we worked on as partners - I really enjoyed that time spent together. Thanks for saying kind words to me when I needed it. Trust yourself and you'll go places - you've got some good skill and make some solid stuff. I liked being around you. Your daughter is one very lucky girl to have you.

Edwin - Man, I'm SO glad we got to be wingmen in New York for a while. I had lots of fun, and you're a positive, meek and patient guy. I like that combination and see qualities in you that I want to have. And going to school when you have a family at home to care of? Double respect.

Wes - I was (and still am) continually blown away by your infallible self-confidence.

Hannah - I can't put my finger on it, but you're a really cool person. Sincere and upbeat, and not afraid to do your own thing. I really don't know what it is, but I always appreciated your presence.

Rhannon - You have a great smile, and it seems like you're a really aware of other's moods. You're a sensitive person, but have a mature sense of when to act on it or not.

Fiona - You're mature and thoughtful, and have one hell of a great laugh. Thanks for inviting all(!!) of us into your home.

Natalie - It was fun hanging out (and doing nothing) in the empty drop-in tutoring sessions, and rather amusing to watch you get hit on by approximately every dude that came through the door. I liked that you weren't afraid to laugh. Even to the worst of my jokes or anecdotes when we were trying not to die of boredom.

Sara K - It seemed like you always had a smile on your face, and didn't hesitate to offer up words of encouragement/reinforcement.

Jun - Man, your background is so inspiring, I feel like someday I'll read all about it in a book. I don't think I have the guts to travel the long path that you did.

Kristy - It seems like you became pretty self confident over the last year, to the point of maybe becoming too self confident. If that's what makes you happy, though, who am I to object? But underneath everything, I know there's someone there that's sensitive and intelligent.

Ryder - You have enormous amounts of passion and talent, but you remain so soft spoken and meek. You have a commendable outlook.

Mike S - Man... Get your life together. Seriously. Man up and commit to something. Anything. When you do, great things are gunna happen. When you ain't so mopey people (myself included) like to be around you, and you have some good skill under your belt. You're a good man. I don't care what they say about you.

Maria - In addition to your mountains of multiple raw talents, I like how you're always trying to look at the bigger picture and pursuing something that's good on a truly substantial level. You work hard, and it's pretty crazy to see you find your passion and be willing to devote more years (and years abroad at that) to further the skills you need that will let you form your own voice for improving society. It's a commendable pursuit. I like your intelligence, honesty and how you're an incredibly driven person with a can-do attitude. I think you'll go places. You know, aside from just Scotland.

Dylan M - Ah, sir, you feel like a kindred spirit, and I feel really bad that it took until fourth year to figure that out. At the same time, I'm glad we got to work on those two projects together in the last year. You're a man of honesty, sincerity, unshakable integrity, and you have no idea how much of a relief it was to find another introspective soul in the class. I'm really glad that you were able to stick it out through the whole program and that you found your passion - I have no doubt you're headed for big things. But I'll remember you most for your incredible intellect, sincere demeanor, and dare I say, honour. I look up to and envy you in more than one way, and hope that I can be even a fraction of the person you are. And as much as I wished our paths could have crossed more often, I can only hope that they will do so again in the future.

Dylan S - Man, you told me that you wouldn't have made it through without me, but I almost wonder if it was actually the other way around. Do you realize how polar opposite we are as personalities? And yet we somehow gravitated towards eachother and stayed there for a long time. Thank you, sir, for making me laugh and planting in me a new appreciation for music. While I can't stand your work ethic, I truly do admire your insane skill and ability to make the people around you feel good. Jamming in the studio(s), abandoned or not, will forever be cherished memories, and the highlight of the whole four years. I'm glad I had you to watch my back for a time. And while I think we're drifting in very different directions and our plans for a shared studio may never materialize... You already left your mark and permanently changed who I am, and for the better. I'll miss you, and I know you'll find yourself washing up on the shore of Big Things. Leave some room on your coat tails for me, eh?

Some of these people I maybe had one or two conversations with ever, some I spoke with everyday, and then the rest fill out the entire spectrum between. Some people leave more of an impact than others, and I tried to mention everyone that did just that. Most of the people I mentioned were no less good people. There were few other people, though, that remind me of the words "If you can't say anything nice." But those people are few, and as a whole my class consisted of damn fine people that I felt lucky to study with and know. I hope you all go out to tackle the neck of the world with your fangs out, and that you'll all find your own little slice of heaven in this big ol' mess. Safe travels,
-Cril

So this is what you meant
When you said that you were spent
And now it's time to build from the bottom of the pit
Right to the top
Don't hold back
Packing my bags and giving the academy a rain check
I don't ever wanna let you down
I don't ever wanna leave this town
'Cause after all
This city never sleeps at night

Imagine Dragons - It's Time (Acoustic)

Post-Secondary Post Mortem Part III: Plan, Eh?

In January school resumed for me and my classmates' last semester of our degree. People were getting kind of squirmy about being done, and already a bit nastalgic of the time spent there. We were all watching the end approach with a lot of anxiety and excitement, with a bit of dread mixed in.

On one of the first classes I went and talked to the professors about any feedback for my book comparison guide, which they seemed pretty pleased with. There wasn't much to fix aside from maybe the pacing of my promotional video. But that's always a tricky process - in that kind of work you're always tied to the soundtrack, which is a tedious task to sync up with. But I digress.

Like a massive piece of clockwork, the semester gaining momentum as product foundations were laid and initial concepts and ideas were being drawn up. One class was based around creating an entire magazine from scratch - some marketing feasibility, a name, a concept, and the content. Words, photography, layout, the whole nine yards. Fortunately, this was a group project and I teamed up with Dylan, a classmate that I had done an advertising project with the semester prior. Super great dude that I have tonnes of respect for, and I was actually regretting not being able to work with him more over the last four years. We decided to make a technology magazine that was a bit of a cross between Radiolab and the Verge. In reality, we told our professors is was Wired meets the Atlantic for simplicity's sake (after all, it was a magazine project). And while some students were hardcore enough to get all-original written content (made by themselves or others), we had the thankfully were in agreeance to curate the articles from other locations. After we had our project strategy figured out we started in on our name and logo. We decided on the name 'Defrag', and to make our logo we went around and got 100 people to write out the name and then overlayed all of them. When we showed our professor, who was pretty much the senior professor of the program, he seemed to be really excited an intrigued by it. We had a lot of fun working together, even though it was a pretty brutal grind at times. I don't like looking at my grades, but my partner later informed me that we got an A+ for the project.

But I'm straying a bit from what I'm trying to say. Not long after showing our professor, he came and approached me one morning in the studio before class had started. We were starting to thin out by this point, with most people not coming into class until later in the day, if at all. I was always at my desk before the start of class though, so when he came around I was alone in the studio. He sat down and told me that he had been reviewing my work and thought that I could really benefit from going to the School of Visual Arts in New York for a year. While the official scholarship had already been given to a student that had applied for it, my professor said he was in touch with his colleague at SVA who's head of the design department about getting additional scholarships for both Dylan and I.

This was pretty mind-blowing stuff, for a couple reasons. First is that it was unusual to get that kind of interest from a professor, let alone having them go so far out of their way to help you with an opportunity. Second was that my work was of high enough calibre for something like that. Third was NEW YORK.

I immediately went walking around campus with Dylan as we discussed it. It felt good to have someone in a similar predicament whose opinion I valued to talk to. Then I talked with my aunt and uncle and a couple of close friends. The unanimous consensus was that I was going. Not I should go, but that I will go. No question, no shades of grey.

Fast-forward a few months, and I am indeed going. It's been a rough process full of paperwork and waiting, but the ball is rolling. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't excited; I've rambled on before about how I wasted several a crucial part of my life before I started school by doing nothing but working and playing video games for a few consecutive years. And I feel like this is the one chance I might have to redeem myself, and have a legitimate life adventure. Really, it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm at a stage in my life where I can do it. It's incredible to have the chance in the first place, and it seems like a little bit of the extraordinary has wedged itself into my beige life. It seems as if that very wedge is larger than I am.

But something this big isn't without its caveats, no? One of which involved getting a visa to enter the States. In order to be let in, I had to account for every penny of the $57,000 I'd need in tuition and living expenses. That's a pretty hefty chunk of change, and more than whatever 'safety net' I've been working to preserve in my savings account. No, this isn't safety net sized money, this is canon money and it's up to you to supply your own helmet for this explosive one-way journey. There ain't no money left for any kind of safety measure, aside from that stupid helmet which won't do much if you've just been fired out of a cannon.

And so I've done my due diligence to start my journey along the road to emptying my savings account and shooting head-first into debt. It's more than a little scary. I'm currently waiting to hear back from the government about my student loan application, while investigating getting a line of credit through my bank. There's the kicker - I'm working to get just the right amount of money I'll need, and there won't be any breathing room. This scares me a lot more than I'd like to admit. If I had car problems or a sudden dentist appointment, I had a little bit of savings left to take care of it. And now... I'll have enough to cover my best-case scenario, and not any more.

$57,000 is a lot of money. Will it pay off? Will there be an opportunity that arises from this that'll make it all worth while? Or should I be thinking of this in another light, from the perspective that I'm putting it towards a once-in-a-life-time opportunity and I shouldn't be expecting any returns? My uncle has told me that even if I never received the scholarship, I should still do it regardless. I've even had several relatives offer me support financially if I need it. Especially now that I've graduated and done so under my own power, I've becoming convinced that I am indeed an adult, and I need to act like it. This means that sometimes I need to figure out as much as I can on my own before troubling others for help. And that also means that, like all adults, I need to go to debt at some point in my life. I think this instance will is about as good of a reason as you can get to do so.

The second big change of wind that New York has blown in is a violent and sudden shift in gears for how I thought I'd be living by now. Over my last year or so of school, I was so convinced that my life would change after I stepped out of those campus doors for the last time. Think about it; I'm going from ~70hrs of work a week down to a mere 40. It's almost as if I've sprung a whole different life that I can dedicate to living.

This would manifest itself in a few different ways. Sleeping in on the weekend, eating a supper that doesn't come from a can, playing some video games, watching movies, writing. Getting home before 11:30pm. And most significantly, not living on a student's budget. Maybe I could eat out, and see a couple movies in theater. Get a macro lens for my camera, get a new computer (with some new games to match). And just generally not have to sweat every. Single. Purchase. I could exhale and realize that debt isn't lurking over my shoulder waiting to pounce.

And I got a taste of this, too. One week I ate out, subscribed to Netflix, and bought some new clothes after clearing out some old ones that didn't fit me so well any more. I spent $120 on clothes. I started to feel bad until I realized... I didn't have to. I'm working full time, and this is just a couple purchases that weren't that extravagant. The guilt wasn't necessary. Let me tell you, that realization was positively toxic. "Wait... I can actually do things that normal people do? It's okay to eat out now? WOW, THIS IS AWESOME."

But the joke was on me. For a long while between that initial discussion with my prof until just this last week, I was in a sort of limbo where I wasn't sure if I was going to go to New York or not. Sure, I had made a decision, but there are a lot of pieces that need to be in place for this to work, not least of which was to have my application by the school. I hadn't heard back, and I've become a pretty skeptical person that doesn't like to get excited unless he knows that something will actually go through. So for the last semester of school and up until recently I had been living in a state of limbo where I was expecting to be back in school in the fall but that I wouldn't get to New York. Essentially, I stuck bouncing between only the negative repercussions of the two possibilities.

When I went out to buy those clothes, that's when one of the walls fell down and I thought that maybe I was all done and money wouldn't have to be such a pressing issue any more. And it's rather depressing to admit that shortly after I had the realization of relaxing about money, I had put that wall back up. And that's where I am now, back to pinching pennies. But the aftertaste still remains, and I'm still spending a little bit here in there, more than I probably should but where I know it really matters. Going to dinner with friends I might not see for a long time (if ever) or going to the zoo with my family that's in town for a few days.

Again, though, it's been a violent transition to be ripped away from this vision of being 'done', and back into the reality of doing yet another year. Admittedly, just existing in New York will be even a more harsh reality (comprised of the different parts of clearing out my possessions, moving out, going to New York, and meeting entirely new faces). But in the mean time...

I should be done, damn it. I could be done.

What a torturous notion. Above it all, what I think hurts the most is the idea that I could be staring out my window at my car parked on the street. That I'd be driving to work, and I'd have something to fill the monstrous hole the accident last summer had left in my chest. I'd be catching up on all the music I've discovered that can only be fully appreciated if you're listening to it while behind the wheel. My initial plan was to get a Scion FR-S, and seeing one on the road makes me feel excitement dipped in a thick gooey coat of somberness. It's farther away now than ever before. Yeah, it'll be another year before I'll be out of school, but how long will it take to build up some savings again to afford something like that? Man, that really hurts.

So it's trading one kind of living for another kind. The adventure you wish you could have versus an everyday thrill and satisfaction. It's a tough thing to choose between, but I tell myself that there will be plenty of cars waiting for me some time in the future. I only have this one chance to go study under some of the best professionals in one of the biggest cultural hubs in the world.

Over the last year I declined to get another car, instead opting for public transit. Between the initial cost of purchase, insurance and gas, I saved quite a bit. Add in the million repairs my stupid car would have needed, and piles up pretty quick. I thought I was going to use those saving on a car. I guess I was saving for this instead. But telling myself doesn't seem to make it suck much less.

"Wah wah, I'm going to New York and I can't stop whining about how crappy life is!"

Okay, yes. My personality tends to put a rather bittersweet flavour on how I percieve what's going on around me. You know what? I'm EXCITED to see what the next year brings. It's going to be tough in a bunch of different and unexpected ways, but I can't wait to see what happens and how things go and which way my life is going to go as a result.

At the same time, I'm just really exhausted from keeping a tight budged and I just really miss driving.

But New York, man. Wow. I guess you don't need a car to travel down some pretty wild roads.
-Cril

And it's such a night, it's such a night
Sweet confusion under the moonlight
It's such a night, such a night
To steal away, the time is right

Yeah, I couldn't believe my ear
And my heart just skipped a beat
When you told me to take you walkin' down the street
Oh yeah, you came here with my best friend Jim
Here I am, I'm stealin' you away from him

Oh, but if I don't do it, you know somebody else will
If I don't do it, you know somebody else will
If I don't do it, you know somebody else will
If I don't do it, you know somebody else will

'Cause it's such a night

The Band & Dr. John - Ophelia