On one of the first classes I went and talked to the professors about any feedback for my book comparison guide, which they seemed pretty pleased with. There wasn't much to fix aside from maybe the pacing of my promotional video. But that's always a tricky process - in that kind of work you're always tied to the soundtrack, which is a tedious task to sync up with. But I digress.
Like a massive piece of clockwork, the semester gaining momentum as product foundations were laid and initial concepts and ideas were being drawn up. One class was based around creating an entire magazine from scratch - some marketing feasibility, a name, a concept, and the content. Words, photography, layout, the whole nine yards. Fortunately, this was a group project and I teamed up with Dylan, a classmate that I had done an advertising project with the semester prior. Super great dude that I have tonnes of respect for, and I was actually regretting not being able to work with him more over the last four years. We decided to make a technology magazine that was a bit of a cross between Radiolab and the Verge. In reality, we told our professors is was Wired meets the Atlantic for simplicity's sake (after all, it was a magazine project). And while some students were hardcore enough to get all-original written content (made by themselves or others), we had the thankfully were in agreeance to curate the articles from other locations. After we had our project strategy figured out we started in on our name and logo. We decided on the name 'Defrag', and to make our logo we went around and got 100 people to write out the name and then overlayed all of them. When we showed our professor, who was pretty much the senior professor of the program, he seemed to be really excited an intrigued by it. We had a lot of fun working together, even though it was a pretty brutal grind at times. I don't like looking at my grades, but my partner later informed me that we got an A+ for the project.
But I'm straying a bit from what I'm trying to say. Not long after showing our professor, he came and approached me one morning in the studio before class had started. We were starting to thin out by this point, with most people not coming into class until later in the day, if at all. I was always at my desk before the start of class though, so when he came around I was alone in the studio. He sat down and told me that he had been reviewing my work and thought that I could really benefit from going to the School of Visual Arts in New York for a year. While the official scholarship had already been given to a student that had applied for it, my professor said he was in touch with his colleague at SVA who's head of the design department about getting additional scholarships for both Dylan and I.
This was pretty mind-blowing stuff, for a couple reasons. First is that it was unusual to get that kind of interest from a professor, let alone having them go so far out of their way to help you with an opportunity. Second was that my work was of high enough calibre for something like that. Third was NEW YORK.
I immediately went walking around campus with Dylan as we discussed it. It felt good to have someone in a similar predicament whose opinion I valued to talk to. Then I talked with my aunt and uncle and a couple of close friends. The unanimous consensus was that I was going. Not I should go, but that I will go. No question, no shades of grey.
Fast-forward a few months, and I am indeed going. It's been a rough process full of paperwork and waiting, but the ball is rolling. I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't excited; I've rambled on before about how I wasted several a crucial part of my life before I started school by doing nothing but working and playing video games for a few consecutive years. And I feel like this is the one chance I might have to redeem myself, and have a legitimate life adventure. Really, it is a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I'm at a stage in my life where I can do it. It's incredible to have the chance in the first place, and it seems like a little bit of the extraordinary has wedged itself into my beige life. It seems as if that very wedge is larger than I am.
But something this big isn't without its caveats, no? One of which involved getting a visa to enter the States. In order to be let in, I had to account for every penny of the $57,000 I'd need in tuition and living expenses. That's a pretty hefty chunk of change, and more than whatever 'safety net' I've been working to preserve in my savings account. No, this isn't safety net sized money, this is canon money and it's up to you to supply your own helmet for this explosive one-way journey. There ain't no money left for any kind of safety measure, aside from that stupid helmet which won't do much if you've just been fired out of a cannon.
And so I've done my due diligence to start my journey along the road to emptying my savings account and shooting head-first into debt. It's more than a little scary. I'm currently waiting to hear back from the government about my student loan application, while investigating getting a line of credit through my bank. There's the kicker - I'm working to get just the right amount of money I'll need, and there won't be any breathing room. This scares me a lot more than I'd like to admit. If I had car problems or a sudden dentist appointment, I had a little bit of savings left to take care of it. And now... I'll have enough to cover my best-case scenario, and not any more.
$57,000 is a lot of money. Will it pay off? Will there be an opportunity that arises from this that'll make it all worth while? Or should I be thinking of this in another light, from the perspective that I'm putting it towards a once-in-a-life-time opportunity and I shouldn't be expecting any returns? My uncle has told me that even if I never received the scholarship, I should still do it regardless. I've even had several relatives offer me support financially if I need it. Especially now that I've graduated and done so under my own power, I've becoming convinced that I am indeed an adult, and I need to act like it. This means that sometimes I need to figure out as much as I can on my own before troubling others for help. And that also means that, like all adults, I need to go to debt at some point in my life. I think this instance will is about as good of a reason as you can get to do so.
The second big change of wind that New York has blown in is a violent and sudden shift in gears for how I thought I'd be living by now. Over my last year or so of school, I was so convinced that my life would change after I stepped out of those campus doors for the last time. Think about it; I'm going from ~70hrs of work a week down to a mere 40. It's almost as if I've sprung a whole different life that I can dedicate to living.
This would manifest itself in a few different ways. Sleeping in on the weekend, eating a supper that doesn't come from a can, playing some video games, watching movies, writing. Getting home before 11:30pm. And most significantly, not living on a student's budget. Maybe I could eat out, and see a couple movies in theater. Get a macro lens for my camera, get a new computer (with some new games to match). And just generally not have to sweat every. Single. Purchase. I could exhale and realize that debt isn't lurking over my shoulder waiting to pounce.
And I got a taste of this, too. One week I ate out, subscribed to Netflix, and bought some new clothes after clearing out some old ones that didn't fit me so well any more. I spent $120 on clothes. I started to feel bad until I realized... I didn't have to. I'm working full time, and this is just a couple purchases that weren't that extravagant. The guilt wasn't necessary. Let me tell you, that realization was positively toxic. "Wait... I can actually do things that normal people do? It's okay to eat out now? WOW, THIS IS AWESOME."
But the joke was on me. For a long while between that initial discussion with my prof until just this last week, I was in a sort of limbo where I wasn't sure if I was going to go to New York or not. Sure, I had made a decision, but there are a lot of pieces that need to be in place for this to work, not least of which was to have my application by the school. I hadn't heard back, and I've become a pretty skeptical person that doesn't like to get excited unless he knows that something will actually go through. So for the last semester of school and up until recently I had been living in a state of limbo where I was expecting to be back in school in the fall but that I wouldn't get to New York. Essentially, I stuck bouncing between only the negative repercussions of the two possibilities.
When I went out to buy those clothes, that's when one of the walls fell down and I thought that maybe I was all done and money wouldn't have to be such a pressing issue any more. And it's rather depressing to admit that shortly after I had the realization of relaxing about money, I had put that wall back up. And that's where I am now, back to pinching pennies. But the aftertaste still remains, and I'm still spending a little bit here in there, more than I probably should but where I know it really matters. Going to dinner with friends I might not see for a long time (if ever) or going to the zoo with my family that's in town for a few days.
Again, though, it's been a violent transition to be ripped away from this vision of being 'done', and back into the reality of doing yet another year. Admittedly, just existing in New York will be even a more harsh reality (comprised of the different parts of clearing out my possessions, moving out, going to New York, and meeting entirely new faces). But in the mean time...
I should be done, damn it. I could be done.
What a torturous notion. Above it all, what I think hurts the most is the idea that I could be staring out my window at my car parked on the street. That I'd be driving to work, and I'd have something to fill the monstrous hole the accident last summer had left in my chest. I'd be catching up on all the music I've discovered that can only be fully appreciated if you're listening to it while behind the wheel. My initial plan was to get a Scion FR-S, and seeing one on the road makes me feel excitement dipped in a thick gooey coat of somberness. It's farther away now than ever before. Yeah, it'll be another year before I'll be out of school, but how long will it take to build up some savings again to afford something like that? Man, that really hurts.
So it's trading one kind of living for another kind. The adventure you wish you could have versus an everyday thrill and satisfaction. It's a tough thing to choose between, but I tell myself that there will be plenty of cars waiting for me some time in the future. I only have this one chance to go study under some of the best professionals in one of the biggest cultural hubs in the world.
Over the last year I declined to get another car, instead opting for public transit. Between the initial cost of purchase, insurance and gas, I saved quite a bit. Add in the million repairs my stupid car would have needed, and piles up pretty quick. I thought I was going to use those saving on a car. I guess I was saving for this instead. But telling myself doesn't seem to make it suck much less.
"Wah wah, I'm going to New York and I can't stop whining about how crappy life is!"
Okay, yes. My personality tends to put a rather bittersweet flavour on how I percieve what's going on around me. You know what? I'm EXCITED to see what the next year brings. It's going to be tough in a bunch of different and unexpected ways, but I can't wait to see what happens and how things go and which way my life is going to go as a result.
At the same time, I'm just really exhausted from keeping a tight budged and I just really miss driving.
But New York, man. Wow. I guess you don't need a car to travel down some pretty wild roads.
-Cril
And it's such a night, it's such a night
Sweet confusion under the moonlight
It's such a night, such a night
To steal away, the time is right
Yeah, I couldn't believe my ear
And my heart just skipped a beat
When you told me to take you walkin' down the street
Oh yeah, you came here with my best friend Jim
Here I am, I'm stealin' you away from him
Oh, but if I don't do it, you know somebody else will
If I don't do it, you know somebody else will
If I don't do it, you know somebody else will
If I don't do it, you know somebody else will
'Cause it's such a night
The Band & Dr. John - Ophelia
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