Little Joy

My bestest friends just had a baby girl last weekend, 5-6 days past when she was supposed to arrive. So yesterday I managed to visit them for dinner, and upon sitting down that little baby girl was set in my lap.

I was struck by three things. First, being introduced to a baby as (honourary) uncle is still one of the supremely cool things I've achieved in my life.

Next, it's amazing how absolutely tiny fingernails can be. Truly itty-bitty. Life is a pretty amazing thing, especially to see it arrive in such a small and unassuming package. Full of potential.

And finally... I had the thought "Damn, lucky girl, you're going to get to experience everything for the first time." Everything from beautiful sunsets, finding favourite music, eating fresh pineapple, and the smell of fresh rain on the pavement to the more bitter feelings of loss and heartache. The spectrum of the human experience is pretty intense, and all its sweet flavours can only be appreciated if you know the sour.

Then I thought, without any trace of Louis Armstrong's most overplayed song on my mind, how much of the world she'll get to see that I never will. It'll be an entirely different beast by the time she's my age, in terms of culture and technology. Yeah, a lot of those core experiences will link us together, but he tiny little existence will grow and see farther into the future than I ever will. Like I have/will see farther than my parents. Kind of a bittersweet notion, to know that the end of the greatest story I'll ever write is far from the end of the bigger plot.

No wonder so many people have a hard time figuring out life. It's a pretty intense thing.
-Cril

Throughout the days
Our true love ways
Will bring us joys to share
With those who really care

Sometimes we'll sigh
Sometimes we'll cry
And we'll know why
Just you and I
Know true love ways

Buddy Holly - True Love Ways

Something Tells Me

On Friday I left the office around 4 because being a long weekend, we get let off a bit early. I stopped on the way home to wash of the car (which is now looking quite lovely with the absence of the brown slush muck white salt crap all over it. I love it.

Anyways, upon arriving home, I found that my new computer case had been delivered, which was the last (and one of the more crucial pieces) I was waiting on. I then proceeded to mount the processor and fan before calling it an evening. That was the plan, at least. Instead I spent the next seven hours mounting everything to everything else. I didn't even stop to eat.

Eventually it was all ready to go, and I was reminded what a pain in the ass computers are/can be. Unbeknownst to me, upon the first time I hit the almighty power button my new machine proceeded to work exactly as it should. Instead, though, I was slightly confused as to the motherboard's built in display and odd boot up sequence and thought I was having an issue. After eliminating all the variables and 3-4 calls to tech support (EVGA guys are pretty chill and easy to get ahold of), I was ready to RMA. That's when the phone tech informed me that everything was working as it should.

Well then. I wish I would've known that BEFORE removing my aftermarket cooler, cleaning and remounting the processor with the stock cooler. Oh well, at least it's not broke and it only took two days to get it all sorted out.

So that night I had dinner with some friends, so I hastily installed windows and Steam and set it to download Assassin's Creed Black Flag (which I've only been dying to play for the last two years...). Got home that night, confirmed that it all downloaded, then went to bed.

It was like being a kid on Christmas morning - I was this close to getting out of bed at 6AM. On a Sunday. And then when I did get up (at a healthier 8:30), I forced myself to accomplish half a dozen tasks around the house before booting up the computer. I plowed through them in half an hour and jumped in game. Then the long weekend disappeared in a rum-swillin', broad-sidin' haze of sails, sharks, and treasure maps.

On one hand, let me just say that Black Flag is very well done. Gorgeous, well-written, absurdly fun. The only thing it's lacking is a soundtrack by Hans Zimmer (although, no disrespect to the sea shanties, which are great).

On the other hand, it's kinda scary how all my self-control seemed to have utterly evaporated. I've spent about 20 of the last 36 hours huffing the e-sea's salty fumes. I've skipped ('missed' might be a slightly more accurate word...) about three meals. I haven't left the house today despite the (reportedly) nice weather outside, I haven't picked up the mandolin, and I haven't even started moving over my data to the new machine. In a nutshell, I told myself I was only going to play until noon today. But 12 turned to 1, turned to 2, turned to 6. Good grief.

I'm totally stoked to have a computer, but this is going to be a great lesson in self-control for me. I think the problem is that I haven't been in this type of a situation (no obligations on a long weekend with a gaming machine on hand) in a solid 5 years or so. Kinda scary.

But I've smiled a lot today (and the day before), so it can't be all bad.
-Cril

Woke up this morning feelin' fine
There's something special on my mind
Last night I met a new girl in the neighborhood, whoa yeah
Something tells me I'm into something good
(Something tells me I'm into something)

Herman's Hermits - I'm Into Something Good

RAISIN BRAN

I just bought some Raisin Bran. What the hell?

I've noticed over the last three months that I've dramatically lost the ability to process dairy products. Let's just say that lactose-based ingredients result in a somewhat methane-tastic chemical reaction within my system. So milk, of course, has been long since discarded in favour of soy milk (which, in the vanilla flavour, isn't so bad). My beloved white cheddar macaroni and cheese, meanwhile, is still edible if I only use half the packet of cheese. I remember when I was a teenager, and how I'd make myself a full box of mac n' cheese and then grate on a healthy portion of cheddar on top. Mac n' double cheese. It was so good. Now the thought of it makes me slightly queasy.

My metabolism is slowing as well. Thankfully. Finally. For a very long time, a sufficient lunch came in the shape of a box of mac n' cheese (I swear, this is one of the official units of measurement for quantifying my life) and a big ol' chicken burger with all the trimmings. Sometimes two. And then around 3PM I'd down a pack of ramen, and hit some toast around 4, just in time to be ready for dinner around 6.

To this day I don't know how my mom did it. Both cooking and buying groceries, that is.

And then there are the sweets. You don't need to look much further than the stack of dental bills over the last few years to know my affinity for the sugary substances. Pop, lots of pop. Pies. Ice cream. More pies. Cookies, mints, chocolate.

There's a perpetually full bowl of candy at work that I'd frequently sample throughout the day (each time with a guilty flash to that stack of dental bills). With alarming frequency, though, I found myself downing these little sugar grenades and thinking "dang, this is gross" before impulsively grabbing more. Welcome to life at the intersection of "Poor" and "Self Control".

And then a couple months ago I moved out on my own. Finally. Finally. Into a totally barren apartment, devoid of any foodstuffs. So between the kitchen stools, a broom and garbage bags, I started buying things to eat. Which, interestingly enough, didn't include any sweets.

At first it was a decision of sanity and finances – there were just so many things to get, I had to concentrate on the bare basics (margarine, bread, pasta sauce, ground beef, etc). As a result, I passed over the sweets. Then I figured I may as well go for broke and started abstaining from the office candy bowl (which, by the way, sounds like a very lame team-building game).

For the first two weeks, I was constantly poking through my already sparse cupboards looking for something, anything, to snack on. A friend had left a bag of rice crackers, which I sheepishly picked away at in my constant grazing-frenzy. Then things slowly... Tapered off.

The immediate impact? I have a higher level of energy that's more equally spread out throughout the day. I'm snacking less. A LOT less. Not just for sweets, but anything. I'm pretty good to hang tight between meals now. When I'm working late under a hard deadline my self control wanes a bit and I'll hit the candy, but otherwise I'm doing pretty well at steering around it.

Most interesting, though, is how sweet foods are less and less appetizing to me. I went to the grocery store the other day and thought it might be nice to get something... nice. So I went to where nice things come from: the bakery section. I'd think, "oh, ___ sounds good", but upon actually seeing said item, I'd get the immediate reaction of "...bleh".

And that's how I eventually ended up in the breakfast isle. I'd gotten pretty tired of the bagels I've been having every morning for the last several weeks, so I figured I'd change it up. So I stood in the isle for a solid 10 minutes trying to decipher what I wanted.

Let's get this straight – I am not a health nut. The all-natural granola underwhelmed me, and oatmeals didn't quite get me excited either. But the rest of the section... Was nothing but pure candy masquerading around as "essential vitamins and minerals" that wanted to be slathered with milk and swallowed whole. I used to buy Life cereal. Not too crazy, but it had enough "flavour" to it that I enjoyed eating it. Now? They're like little square sugar frag grenades. Frosted flakes? Sugar-dipped sugar warheads. Fruit loops? Depth charges. Made of sugar. It all just... Kinda made my stomach churn a little bit.

Then I remembered being a kid and visiting my grandmother, who only seemed to stock one breakfast cereal. I remembered even tolerating it. And anything your grandmother eats has to be kosher, right?

So I bought Raisin Bran. Raisin. Bran. I think my inner teenager just died a little because holy crap, I'm pretty sure that's one of the telltale symptoms of maturity. Even worse is that I like it. And even then I find it a bit too sweet sometimes.

Between the sweets and a generally tamer appetite... holy crap my body is changing. It's not going to be long before I get phantom aches and pains in my knees that only seem to flare up when the sunset casts pink light on the rain-starved clouds over Somalia.

But in the mean time, thank goodness, my grocery bill is finally becoming reasonable.
-Cril

Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tator tots would blow your mind

And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream

Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Weird Al Yankovik – Addicted to Spuds

Nostalgia, I Guess

Life changes, and things come and go. I'm pretty stoked for this next phase of things, and there are lots of cool things on the way. I'm excited. But to keep tabs on how far I've come and how far there is to go, I like to keep an eye on where I've been. Gives me a frame of reference. And with that, though, I notice a lot of the stuff that's seemingly slipped out the back. Stuff that... I kinda miss.

Like the School of Visual Arts in New York (I could've just said 'SVA', but this is how I seem to refer to it in my hand). I miss the cool-crazy courses, the insane amount of talent (both from the professors and other students), and being pushed to experience and improve. I miss making cool stuff.

I miss New York. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be back home but in NY every day seemed like an event in itself.

I miss the vending machines they used to have outside of SuperStores where you could get a can of pop for thirty-five cents. And I miss the President's Choice black cherry flavour the most.

I miss hiding away in the basement with my brother on those hot and muggy summer days where we had nothing to do. I miss playing the hell out of Super Smash Bros on the N64 (and Tony Hawk, Mario Kart, and a few others).

I miss reading sci-fi books while walking to/from school (even though I'd almost run into parked cars on a regular basis).

I miss being such a broke teenager that I didn't have any money to worry about.

I miss getting a large Slurpee and box of Nerds after delivering the Friday papers in the summer. All things considered we were grossly underpaid for the amount of work we had to do, but it allowed us some really basic spending money.

I miss walking to the pool in bare feet almost every day in the summer.

I miss not worrying about the economy and whether or not I had chosen a viable profession.

I miss being able to eat mac n' cheese (and milk, and ice cream) without farting up a storm, damnit.

I miss Christmases at home, when all of the family would hang out and we had nowhere else to be.

I miss the rich, sweet smell of BC farm-town air at night, while I walk around and there isn't another soul in sight.

I miss my mom's porkchops. Not because it was my most favouritest meal in the world (it was my brother's, though), but I simply don't get to eat it any more.

I miss not having to think about the fact that I'm getting older, and that means my parents (and their parents) are getting older too.

I miss sitting in the rear of the station wagon, in my wooden seat facing the back of the car. I spent many road trips watching the winding road disappear over the horizon, and the drivers in the cars behind us as we were stuck in traffic.

I miss the notion that owning a car was all about the make/model, and not insurance, registration, gas and upkeep.

I miss not having to shave.

I miss it when Fridays meant a new Homestar Runner Cartoon.

I miss the lower-mainland rain and days of endlessly grey sky.

I miss northern BC's beautiful sunsets, long summer days and short winter days.

I miss band class. Not only making sure I was playing the sax regularly, but being a part of a orchestrated group working together to create something badass (okay, this was in highschool, so 'badass might be slightly optimistic). One of the greatest feelings there is.

---

Not that I mean to wail on and on about how miserable I am. Just the opposite. Just appreciating the good things I've had, in slight hopes that I can better recognize good things while I currently have them.
-Cril

Lisztomania
Think less but see it grow
Like a riot, like a riot, oh!
Not easily offended
Not hard to let it go
From a mess to the masses

Follow, misguide, stand still
Disgust, discourage
On this precious weekend ending
This love’s for gentlemen only
Wealthiest gentlemen only
And now that you’re lonely
Do let, do let, do let, jugulate, do let, do

Pheonix - Lisztomania

Got Fifty Cents More Than I'm Gonna Keep

Well, it's official. I've become one of those jerks biking to work in the middle of winter, hijiacking the sidewalk for my own malicious commuting purposes. It's stupid cold out, and yet I bike. There's snow and ice, and yet I bike.

In my defense, my car is in the shop and I just can't bring myself to pay for insurance and public transit at the same time. And the car being in the shop seems to be a reoccurring theme, just like the notion swirling around my head about how soon I should sell it. Maybe go without a car again for a year so I can save up for something a bit more reliable. It'd be the prudent thing to do.

But when I get in the car and that sultry Asian voice informs me that "Zthe buetuth is ready to paer", I hook up my iPod and flip up those sexy headlights... good vibes shake their way through my bones. What can I say, I love my car like an abusive spouse.

In the mean time, I'm slowly building up a new computer and spending more on it than I should. In my defense, though, I'm spending more than I should in a fairly cost-effective manner. I've been waiting for each part to go on sale, so far nabbing a monitor, hard drives, motherboard, power supply, and video card all at below the standard retail price. I'll stay the course for another couple weeks with my eye on the processor and RAM, but if those don't drop I'll probably go ahead and nab everything I'm missing. And then woe be unto the local computer shop, for I shall milk their ill-fated price match guarantee for all it's worth.

So there you go, biking to avoid paying for transit while my stupidly expensive and troublesome exotic car is in for repairs, and bargain hunting for a long list of high-end computer parts. I guess I gotta justify these silly purchases somehow.
-Cril

Hey everybody
Let's have some fun
You only live but once
And when you're dead you're done

So let the good times roll
I said let the good times roll
I don't care if you're young or old
You oughtta get together and let the good times roll

Don't sit there mumbling
Talkin' trash
If you want to have a ball
You got to go out and spend some cash

Ray Charles - Let the Good Times Roll