RAISIN BRAN

I just bought some Raisin Bran. What the hell?

I've noticed over the last three months that I've dramatically lost the ability to process dairy products. Let's just say that lactose-based ingredients result in a somewhat methane-tastic chemical reaction within my system. So milk, of course, has been long since discarded in favour of soy milk (which, in the vanilla flavour, isn't so bad). My beloved white cheddar macaroni and cheese, meanwhile, is still edible if I only use half the packet of cheese. I remember when I was a teenager, and how I'd make myself a full box of mac n' cheese and then grate on a healthy portion of cheddar on top. Mac n' double cheese. It was so good. Now the thought of it makes me slightly queasy.

My metabolism is slowing as well. Thankfully. Finally. For a very long time, a sufficient lunch came in the shape of a box of mac n' cheese (I swear, this is one of the official units of measurement for quantifying my life) and a big ol' chicken burger with all the trimmings. Sometimes two. And then around 3PM I'd down a pack of ramen, and hit some toast around 4, just in time to be ready for dinner around 6.

To this day I don't know how my mom did it. Both cooking and buying groceries, that is.

And then there are the sweets. You don't need to look much further than the stack of dental bills over the last few years to know my affinity for the sugary substances. Pop, lots of pop. Pies. Ice cream. More pies. Cookies, mints, chocolate.

There's a perpetually full bowl of candy at work that I'd frequently sample throughout the day (each time with a guilty flash to that stack of dental bills). With alarming frequency, though, I found myself downing these little sugar grenades and thinking "dang, this is gross" before impulsively grabbing more. Welcome to life at the intersection of "Poor" and "Self Control".

And then a couple months ago I moved out on my own. Finally. Finally. Into a totally barren apartment, devoid of any foodstuffs. So between the kitchen stools, a broom and garbage bags, I started buying things to eat. Which, interestingly enough, didn't include any sweets.

At first it was a decision of sanity and finances – there were just so many things to get, I had to concentrate on the bare basics (margarine, bread, pasta sauce, ground beef, etc). As a result, I passed over the sweets. Then I figured I may as well go for broke and started abstaining from the office candy bowl (which, by the way, sounds like a very lame team-building game).

For the first two weeks, I was constantly poking through my already sparse cupboards looking for something, anything, to snack on. A friend had left a bag of rice crackers, which I sheepishly picked away at in my constant grazing-frenzy. Then things slowly... Tapered off.

The immediate impact? I have a higher level of energy that's more equally spread out throughout the day. I'm snacking less. A LOT less. Not just for sweets, but anything. I'm pretty good to hang tight between meals now. When I'm working late under a hard deadline my self control wanes a bit and I'll hit the candy, but otherwise I'm doing pretty well at steering around it.

Most interesting, though, is how sweet foods are less and less appetizing to me. I went to the grocery store the other day and thought it might be nice to get something... nice. So I went to where nice things come from: the bakery section. I'd think, "oh, ___ sounds good", but upon actually seeing said item, I'd get the immediate reaction of "...bleh".

And that's how I eventually ended up in the breakfast isle. I'd gotten pretty tired of the bagels I've been having every morning for the last several weeks, so I figured I'd change it up. So I stood in the isle for a solid 10 minutes trying to decipher what I wanted.

Let's get this straight – I am not a health nut. The all-natural granola underwhelmed me, and oatmeals didn't quite get me excited either. But the rest of the section... Was nothing but pure candy masquerading around as "essential vitamins and minerals" that wanted to be slathered with milk and swallowed whole. I used to buy Life cereal. Not too crazy, but it had enough "flavour" to it that I enjoyed eating it. Now? They're like little square sugar frag grenades. Frosted flakes? Sugar-dipped sugar warheads. Fruit loops? Depth charges. Made of sugar. It all just... Kinda made my stomach churn a little bit.

Then I remembered being a kid and visiting my grandmother, who only seemed to stock one breakfast cereal. I remembered even tolerating it. And anything your grandmother eats has to be kosher, right?

So I bought Raisin Bran. Raisin. Bran. I think my inner teenager just died a little because holy crap, I'm pretty sure that's one of the telltale symptoms of maturity. Even worse is that I like it. And even then I find it a bit too sweet sometimes.

Between the sweets and a generally tamer appetite... holy crap my body is changing. It's not going to be long before I get phantom aches and pains in my knees that only seem to flare up when the sunset casts pink light on the rain-starved clouds over Somalia.

But in the mean time, thank goodness, my grocery bill is finally becoming reasonable.
-Cril

Your greasy hands, your salty lips
Looks like you found the chips
Your belly aches, your teeth grind
Some tator tots would blow your mind

And you don't mind if they're not cooked
You need your fix, I guess you're hooked
And late at night you always dream
Of bacon bits and sour cream

Whoah, you like them even if they're lumpy or tough, oh yeah
Whee, It's pretty obvoius to me you can't get enough
You know you're gonna have to face it
You're addicted to spuds

Weird Al Yankovik – Addicted to Spuds