Currency of Time and Addiction

I guess, financially, it's been a good two weeks. I sold my old car that I left back home. I got less than I wanted for it, but to be honest I'm glad that it went to a new home. I hate that it sat there for so long with so little love. Sounds stupid, but I get attached to my car(s). This one in particular because it was the first one I bought on my own. I hauled all of my possessions over the Rockies with it, too. Apparently the new owner will keep the decals. 1996 Honda Civic CX... You will be missed.

I also scored a scholarship, which is nice. I wasn't expecting it at all, and there it was. I gotta finish writing up a 'thank you' note before I can collect it, though. There's also an awards ceremony some time, but I doubt I'll end up going. Hey, I don't get GPA-based awards by taking evenings off when I should be doing homework.

And to round it out, I finished up the month of February in the black. That's not counting the car/scholarship. I was in the black for January too, but I don't expect this trend to last. But that's another post.

It's interesting, though. I suddenly get all this money, and as it comes in I see it as already allocated and spent. Car money? Oh, that'll cover X months of rent. Scholarship? That'll put summer tires on the car. Save a few bucks at the end of the month? School supplies.

Part of me wants to say "Wow, look at all this money I didn't expect to have - I should do something fun with a little bit of it!" And then the obvious question... Do what? Spend it on a book I won't get around to reading? A movie I don't have time to watch? A game I don't have the opportunity to get into? Well, there's certainly that...

Steam recently updated their UI. I was waiting for some paint to dry, so figured it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I boot it up, and low-and-behold Wings of Prey is on sale for 50% off. How about that, it's been a while since I've played a decent WWII flight sim. Back to the homework, paint away. I'm kinda interested, so I come back, check out the screenies and scan a review or two. More homework, while I ponder if I should plunk down some (digital) cash. I mean, it looks gorgeous and the reviews are pretty good. On the other hand, I wouldn't even get to touch it until the summer. But it is on sale, and I'm a penny-pinching scrooge. I'll also be able to see the new Steam checkout process if I buy it. Paints dry, game is purchased. Well, I mean, I'm over here slaving away for the rest of the day, I'm barely using my computer at all. Looks like Steam has spiffy new bandwidth monitoring stats and management. Why not set it to download the game? Let's do it! And the rest of the day was spent on homework, and the download didn't quite finish. But the very next day... More homework. Game finishes. Hmm, well, it couldn't hurt to just boot it up and watch the intro movie, no? I'm not gunna play it, but I kinda want to see what it's about. Sure, why not, that'll only take a few minutes! Man, that looked good! Back to homework. Main menu looked clean... I wonder what features are there? Go back, check out settings and game modes, and what's this? TUTORIAL MISSIONS? Well... Those are usually pretty short. More painting. Well, okay. Just one, so I can check out the in-game visuals in real time. Yeah. LOLOMFGROFLMAOWTFBBQ I WANT MOAR! Must... Paint... Well, one more tutorial couldn't hurt. It's pretty quick.

Seven tutorials and an hour later, I had come to three startling realizations. First, I'm fairly certain that this is exactly how it feels to be a recovered alcoholic or crack addict that returns to the habit. Next, I had just brushed off an entire hour's worth of being productive, which was really not a good idea considering how much homework I still had to do. Third, and the most concerning epiphany... I had been reinfected with the WWII aviation bug.

For those of you who don't know, for a few years in highschool I had been inflicted with this problem to an alarming degree. I amassed so much related literature that, to this day, I have more WWII flight books in my library than all other genres combined. I have stacks of posters and old calendars featuring these most gorgeous mechanical contraptions that man has ever conceived. I used to play Jane's WWII Fighters day in and day out for months on end. This ain't no mild curiosity or hobby. It's a fever, a curse, an irresistible fixation. The game is a mere catalyst. I want to read about the Russian rookies flying in the Eastern Front. I want first-hand accounts of what it was like to land an ME-163. I want to research the difference between the Merlin and Gryffon engines, and know which Spitfire models they were used in. I want to know it all, I want to experience it all.

So when I say that it's times like this that I really, truly regret enrolling is school, understand that I'm not just saying "weh i want to play meh gamez". This is nothing short of a passion, in it's truest sense. And I can't pursue it. I can't touch it. I need to stay far away from it, and focus on finishing assignments I hate for classes I don't enjoy. I have this... need running through my veins. It's more than a simple craving - it's something that makes my mind GO. It excites me and makes me think and I enjoy every second of it. And I need to resist it, all because of time. Particularly the lack thereof.

While chugging away at homework this weekend, I've been listening to some old episodes of RadioLab to keep myself distracted. I went as far back into their archives as I could get, and I listened to two hours' worth of programming based on the subject of time itself. People that embrace it, people that resist it, what it is, what it isn't. Of course, they covered the theory of relativity. Basically, in a nutshell, the faster you are moving, the slower time is. Time is slower for a humming bird, and faster for a great humpback whale. Get on a jet (this has been proven, btw) and fly around at crazy-go-nuts speeds, and when you land your clock will be lagging a bit behind the ground-based time it was synchronized to before the flight.

So, basically, I need a friggin' fast jet to fly around in so I can catch up on my homework and get that opportunity to bathe in WWII aviation goodness. How much would it cost to build such a vehicle? How much would they charge for flights? This got me onto an interesting train of thought - how much would I pay for time itself? $5-$10 for an hour? That's pretty reasonable. $200 a day? Pushing it, but I'd go for it.

It's scary - I've realized that, right now, I have more money than time. It certainly flips the perceived value for those two things. It's an odd conclusions to come to, especially for someone who is perpetually worried about his finances.

In those RadioLab podcasts, they continued on to talk about choice. That when you decide to do something, say wiggle your finger, your brain activity spikes before you even decide to do it. It brings up burning questions about free will and agency. They had a physicist on who discussed choices themselves, and how some believe that every choice we make spawns an alternate universe. There is a reality out there, somewhere, for every choice we can make.

Well, if that's the case... To the Chris that chose to drop out of school this week: Play an air battle for me, sir. Revel in it. Satisfy that demon that is simultaneously nipping at your heels and devouring you whole. Do it for me. And if you ever find out why some Supermarine Spitfire variants (like the XVI) had the cutoff/squared wingtips, I'd love to hear it.
-Cril

Duke Ellington - Mood Indigo

Dedicated, not too skilled, or just plain stupid?

I spent 8hrs on Tuesday, at school when there wasn't any class, working on half of a colour chart. The best part? It looks terrible. I could just keep going. I coulda/shoulda restarted it from square one. But at some point, you just gotta walk away. But it raises the question: Am I dedicated to my work, particularly bad at what I'm doing, or just plain dumb? A bit of all three, I believe.

Anyways, I got about 70% of my school work done. Which is a lot less (30%) than I wanted. It's been a terrible week, and today has been a complete write-off. I get distracted so easily. I've sorely neglected my BIG drawing project (hooray for not even starting my roughs), and I've been putting off studying for my history midterm. Sigh. And the week is over in three and a half hours. I need to make lunch for tomorrow and get everything ready. Look at what happens - cut me a little slack and grant me a bit of free time and all my self discipline disappears. I end up indulging in all these tiny distractions, and wasting tons of time I could've spent on (if not something productive) something significantly fun I usually don't get to do.

I did manage to play a bit of Bad Company 2, which was nice. And I worked a bit. I don't really have anything else to show for my break. Pretty pathetic.

Oh, I know. I did a challenge. A self-portrait done on the computer, that needed to have the process recorded and made into a timelapse video. Long story short, the video I recorded was corrupted, and was near impossible to edit and render. I ended up spending WAY too much time trying to get it to work, which I finally did (even though 30% of the content had to be cut):



I shoulda just walked away and moved on to other things instead of undergoing the tedious process of getting it to work. So again I ask - dedicated, not too skilled, or just plain stupid?

Back to the grind.
-Cril

Rainy day people always seem to know when you're feeling blue
High stepping strutters who land in the gutters sometimes need one too
Take it or leave it, or try to believe it
If you've been down too long

Gordon Lightfoot - Rainy Day People

Sgt. Pepper

Normally, I drone on about how much I loathe the goings-on of February the 14th. And indeed, I certainly wouldn't mind if St Valentine went and hurled himself off of a cliff.

But that's okay, because today I'm celebrating CHINESE NEW YEAR! And, as I've been informed, there is a certain tradition wherein the married and elderly give the young and single people money (an even amount) inside of a red envelope. This ems rather appropriate, given what day it is. It's a shame, though, that Chinese New Year falls on a different day each year. Bah.

In other news, I still have lots of homework. A colour chart is kicking my ass, I have a mega drawing assignment I need to get to, a humanities presentation to put together (on Karl Marx!), and notes/slides to put together for the history exam. Oh, and I need to organize my process for the jewelry project, but at least I've finished the physical work on it. This is actually my reading break, but between all that stuff plus the hours I want to get in at work (I need to make up for all these insane supply costs somehow), I almost feel like the week is already over.

I feel like garbage.

Where are my red envelopes, people?
-Cril

Kenny Burrell - Lament

Fixing a hole in the ocean

Holy crap, I am so incredibly stressed and overwhelmed at the moment. I just can't seem to get ahead to where I want to be. I've done 12hrs of homework yesterday and 10hrs today, and hopefully I can squeeze in another hour or so before bed. But I'm still a short of what I want accomplished. The funny thing is that if I could get just three or four hours more hours onto my weekend I think I'd be okay. It's like I'm still paying for playing games last weekend.

I feel like garbage and I'm just at the one-month marker for the semester. This is encouraging.
-Cril

I told you about strawberry fields
You know the place where nothing is real
Well here's another place you can go
Where everything flows
Looking through the bent backed tulips
To see how the other half lives
Looking through a glass onion

The Beatles - Glass Onion