Just a dream, dream

Oi. What a crazy three weeks.

First off, convocation. I done gradiated with Distinction, whatever that means. The ceremony itself was kinda so-so... I brought my uke with me, though. I figured that if I had gone the last two years with the thing under my arm, I may as well take it through the final stroll across a stage with diploma in hand. When it was time to shake the president's hand, he said "I want to ask you about the ukulele..." to which I replied, "Yeah, the tuba was just too big, so I brought this instead." There wasn't a whole lot else that happened. Standing around in warm, goofy-lookin' robes, lots of clapping while people went on stage to get their pieces of paper, and walking some friends and family around the graduating exhibition. That last part was pretty awkward; what had become everyday and familiar to me immediately raised eyebrows amongst those closest to me that hadn't had the pleasure of spending four years in an art school. On another note, and before I forget, I just wanted to mention that I was nominated for the Board of Governor's Award. There's one given out for each department, and only the best two students are eligible. Fun fact: the student that won got her application in after the date. I should've gotten it by default, and while that sucks, the truth is that she definitely deserved it. But being nominated is pretty good too, I guess. And people wonder why I'm not getting excited over this (possible) NY opportunity. I've been shafted twice by ACAD over the last year, losing out on scholarships/awards due to administrative shenanigans (the other time was when I was told I was chosen for a pretty decent scholarship only to discover it was a "mistake in the system").

The very next day, after convocating, I flew out to San Francisco on a business trip to work at the Maker Faire as a glorified salesman. Not my preferred profession, sure, but I've done it several times before and any excuse to travel is always a good one. The trip went pretty much the same as it had the other 2-3 times I've gone. Long hours, lots of work. The bosses really wanted us to attend parties/socialize/network at the end of each day, but I was INCREDIBLY burnt out not only from the long hours, but because of all the time spent socializing at convocation too. And introvert can only take so many crowds, yo. But I did the best I could, and brought my uke so I had something to hide behind.

The interesting thing about this trip this year was the driving. I was the main driver for me and my coworkers, and our rental was a (fairly gutless) Chrysler 200. Convertible. Unfortunately, one of said coworkers wasn't too fond of the wind, so we didn't have the top down as often as we could've. But when we did, it sure was glorious. The driving itself, though, was... Troubling. I made a bunch of REALLY STUPID mistakes. Borderline dangerous in a couple spots. I want to say, "Strange roads! New car!" in my defense, but I really don't think that cuts it. It really freaked me out how terrible I did. It was really a HUGE kick in the gut, considering it was my first dose of significant driving since I had the accident. And then...

On the second last day, we drove out to the beach at Half Moon Bay. With the top down. On a beautiful spring morning, along a twisty highway road. Once we arrived, I got out and laid down on the pavement to soak in what I had just experienced.

You spend a lot of time telling yourself "I can't afford a car right now, and public transit is working out okay for me. Yeah, driving is fun and all, but it's not really that special." And then you realize that it really is that special. Feels like you've just cheated yourself. All of the sudden, I realized what I've been missing out on, and just how incredible that experience is. It really kinda gutted me, especially considering it'll be at least another year before I'll have a car.

And I think to myself, "That was amazing, I remember what I've been denying myself. I really need to be driving again." But all that passion and excitement and emotional high doesn't do anything to offset the fact that I might not really be fit to be driving. It was scary how overwhelmed I got by the big bad city driving, and the stupid mistakes I made. I can't help but wonder how I would've done if I had been driving for the last year, if I'm getting rusty because of all the time I've spent away from the wheel. Maybe driving a car isn't like riding a bike. Maybe if you don't use it, you do indeed lose it.

That's a scary thought.
-Cril

Consider this
Consider this, the hint of the century
Consider this, the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I've said too much
I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try
But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

Lacuna Coil - Losing my Religion