Ship to Shore

It's a weird thing to get off a plane and not have anyone waiting for you.

Of course, this is something only a person on their way to adulthood would say. But there it is. I just got back from my winter vacation, where I visited my hometown in BC and then Calgary, where I visited with family and hung out and was always with someone I knew well and wanted to spend time with. And now here I am, back in the big city, where I don't know a single soul. It's such a violent transition. Not to even mention the change in scenery.

Here are two lines I found myself repeating when people asked me how things were going in New York.

• The gangsters wear their pants lower, the gays are more flamboyant, and the hobos are stinkier. Everything in New York is turned up to 11. It's all just that much more saturated.
• On the first day in my home town, after I had flown in from New York the day before, I found myself standing in the street outside my home. Something felt... Off. I stood there in the snow for a moment before realizing how there wasn't any background noise. No sirens or cars or conversation. And even weirder, no one else was in the streets. It was just me. In New York, you're never not alone if you're outside - there's always someone around.

 On another note, the trip home yesterday was hell. Plane in Calgary was delayed 2 hours, which meant my connecting flight to LaGuardia in Chicago was long gone before I even landed. I was rebooked for a flight immediately leaving to Newark, which I arrived at just in time to start boarding. After sitting on the plane for some time, they unloaded everyone so that they could fuel the plane and fix a problem with the water. Finally we got going and landed in Newark, where our baggage carousel was jammed. After an hour of waiting, it was safe to assume my bag didn't show up at all, so I filed a claim and took an express bus back to Manhattan, and rode the subway the rest of the way home. I had landed in New Jersey at 9:30pm (instead of the Bronx at 4:00), and finally got back to the apartment around midnight. I was pretty desperate at the end of the night - I was so tired and ill (my inflamed sinuses had transformed into a proper cold) that I couldn't think straight. Yesterday was such a surreal daze.

Today, I'm feeling sick and tired and my bag is nowhere to be found.

I felt loved on my visit back home, it was so good to be around people I knew and cared about. I went to my sisters wedding, hung out with my sister's family (including my awesome brother-in-law and new neice), did a little bit of shopping with my brother, went kayaking with my dad (out on a quiet lake, where we got to watch two eagles converse), and sat with my mom to learn about and make traditional Ukrainian decorated eggs. Some solid quality time. In Calgary, we played some music, went skating (outdoors and indoors), made and ate some good food, laughed, did some gaming with my uncle and cousin, visited the office, and met up with two friends for a bit. It was a good break.

The sad truth is that it's pretty much the end of an era for my immediate family. Brother is in a serious relationship, sister has a house and a family, other sister is married, other sister is living the big city life, and I... Am living on the wrong side of the country. This is the first year we've been so fragmented, and I think that this is going to become the norm. Kinda sad, but that's how life works. Onwards and upwards, but in our own trajectories.

---

Life is tragic. I hate it. It seems like we're all just trying to find our way through this mess, while we stumble around bleeding. Everyone hurts. There are no right answers. We all hurt each other, inevitably, in one way or another. Because we're stupid, or we're jerks. I have one friend who's father is dying of cancer, mom drops the occasional suicidal remark, and brother that is a total idiot. I have another friend who might be separating from his partner, who's also the mother of his child.

Then I have my other friend, who things are definitely over with. They've left a big hole in my life, that I need to fill with... Something. And it's my fault, too. I caused them pain because I was trying to do what was best. I didn't want to hurt them. Never did. But now that hurt is all they feel, and my good intentions be damned, their life is miserable.

I look around and everything just feels stupid and pointless, because it's all going to go wrong whether you want it to or not. Yeah, I know that this feeling is just the product of current events in my life and the lives of people close to me. But it still sucks, and I hate it. And I hate that I hurt my friend, and that I know I can't fix it. There will be better days, sure.

And things could be worse - the running quip between me and a close friend is that at least we aren't being raped by a bear. Irreverent, sure, but I can't argue with the larger perspective it forces on me.

Right now I know my life isn't that bad. I'm living it up in New York, learning from some of the best in the business and having an adventure I'll never forget. But I look around and see so much pain in the world, and life seems so futile and petty and stupid.

I still miss my friend, and it's all my fault.

Happy new years.
-Cril

You're gone, gone, gone away
I watched you disappear
All that's left is the ghost of you.
Now we're torn, torn, torn apart,
There's nothing we can do
Just let me go we'll meet again soon
 
Now wait, wait, wait for me
Please hang around
I'll see you when I fall asleep

Hey

Don't listen to a word I say
Hey

The screams all sound the same
Hey
 
Though the truth may vary this
Ship will carry our
Bodies safe to shore

Of Monsters and Men - Little Talks