I wish I could say that it felt more strange than it does. In reality, it's all just anticlimactic. It's nothing much more than an unintentional and slightly audible sigh that prompts the inner dialogue "I guess that's it, huh?" In the past, I usually would have spent the last week in some form of an angst-driven fidgeting marathon. I'd go for along walks or, when I had a car, a day trip out into the countryside in search of calmed nerves and fresh air.
Instead I'm working part time, with plenty of idle twiddling of thumbs and the ability to watch the first leaves fall. Yes it's much more relaxing and calm, but it's also its own version of unsettling, but for darker reasons. I'm still worried about finding a job, for many reasons. To validate my choice of (now completed) education, to get a steady income to buy a computer and a car, to be self-sufficient enough to move out and find more permanent accommodations.
I'm excited to start living and all that jazz. It's kind of a funny plot twist that I was so anxious to get a job and now I still haven't managed to land anything. The job hunt keeps following me around, and I can't get rid of it. Maybe I'm not trying hard enough. It has been really nice to take the last couple of months a bit slow after the anxiety-binge of five years of school and part time work. But I know I've had too much of this low-pressure time, and I feel like I'm slowly starting to become stagnant and complacent. That is scary as hell. I need to get my ass in gear. I need to get a proper design job.
My parents and grandparents have all sent me bits of cash as a graduation present. I think I'm going to buy a new mandolin (a proper one this time, something that'll last me a good long time) and get serious about playing it. I want to do this for three reasons. First is to learn something new. Second is to fill in the gap caused by the phantom back-to-school anxiety. Third is to, well... Start living. This is one of those things I've told myself I'd start doing once I finished school (ie, getting a stable job), along with cars, computers, cooking, and other various undertakings (that don't necessarily start with the letter C). Most of those things are hinging on the full time job I still don't have, but I feel like getting this instrument will help seal that fact that I am, indeed, done with school.
I'm glad I'm not going back to class this fall. I've had enough education, thank you very much, and I'm looking forward to the next phase of my life. I'd be lying, though, to say that I don't miss the excitement, familiarity, and productivity of school. And the sense of purpose and direction. I'm still searching for those things, I guess. I'm excited to start something new, I just need to find a track to hop onto. I don't necessarily want to be going balls-to-the-wall fast like school was, but a little bit of momentum would be pretty nice.
I'm doing more cold-calling tomorrow.
-Cril
This song could be the one
To help you understand everything I’ve done
Maybe it’ll move you and you could see
I’ve been taking all my time to make the best of me
The proper lighting can make or break a room
So let’s bring a wall of LEDs in to illuminate the doom and gloom
We’ll let the sun brighten up the space
We’ll take time to make sure that every single thing is in its place
Then I’ll change your mind
Barenaked Ladies - The Fog of Writing
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