Slim Loots

Well, I've been gaming when I should be writing. Shadow of Mordor and now Borderlands 2. The latter isn't even particularly exciting for my tastes, but it's new and that seems to throw me into a furious rage of obsession. The worst part is that I know it's just a temporary fling.

But the thing is that, in the back of my mind, I seem to have conditioned myself to think "Oh, this is only temporary until X happens." The problem is that, at the moment, X does not exist. If anything, it stands for "developing a routine and the subsequent self control".

When I was in school, I always had the end of a semester to look forward to. And then the end of a school year. Then the start of another one. And always, always as a purple fog lurking over my consciousness was the notion of "once I'm done with school, things are really going to change". So I finished school. And then I looked forward to finding a job. Then I looked forward to getting a car. Then a place of my own. Then a computer. And then... Here I am.

There are no more events I have planned. There's nothing to naturally look forward to, aside from the odd long weekend. And even those I tend to fill with... Filler. Games, internet. Not much else. What I'd like to fill it with: practicing an instrument, drawing, exercise, cooking, reading. And yet the filler beckons to me with an irresistible lust. Just one more quest, I tell myself, I want to see what the next phat loots are. Nevermind the fact that the last several phat loots have been on the slim side.


And thus I'm slowly but surely welcoming myself to adulthood, where you have to make your own excitement happen. Ain't nobody going to do it for me, and I'm not in a system that will provide it. As much as I love my job, I now live around the hours of 9-5, Mon-Fri. And that's a not a lot of time, and it's very easy to feel drowsy at the end of the day. But the end of the day happens five times a week. When the weekend rolls around, I'm in a marshmellow-like state where I feel sticky and bloated. Clearly I must relax, I tell myself, perhaps with some vidya games.

Do you know what my boss does? He drives to the mountains, every weekend, to hike, explore, and take photos. Do you know how many times I've done that? Absolutely never. Gotta change that. Gotta make my own excitement.

My life ain't gonna live itself. What's surprising is that I was just somehow expecting it to be a bit more intrinsically exciting for little effort. But I guess not. I guess that it's not immune to that common notion of how the things most worth having need to be worked for.

And thus I forced myself to write before bed, rather than continuing the next quest for phat loots.
-Cril

God is an Austronaut - Point Pleasant