Thanksfeelings Dinner

It's Thanksgiving. For us Canucks, at least.

Every year I go to my aunt and uncle's for dinner, and we do a toast at the beginning where we say what we're particularly thankful for. During the lead up over the last handful of days I've been bobbing this scenario around my cranium, fishing for good answers. The thing is... I just ain't feelin' it right now.

That's not to say that I don't have anything to be thankful for. That's absolutely not the case. I'm lucky to have a job that's flexible, pays well, and allows me to travel on occasion. I also have a couple freelance gigs on the side to keep me occupied. Even though it's not fancy, I have my own little abode with not one, but two sports cars sitting outside. I'm healthy. I have a nifty gaming computer full of nifty games to play. I have more musical instruments than any person of my skill level really needs, and I also get to take regular mandolin lessons. I have family and friends that care for me and have my back when I'm feelin' low.

But here's the thing: I'm not quite feeling any of that right now. Factually, I know they're there. I can see and touch and hear them, and know they exist. But in my heart or gut or wherever such things reside, it isn't quite registering. It's kinda frustrating.

Let me put it this way: Autumn is my favourite season. I love the colours of the leaves, and the sound they make as they skitter across the pavement. I love the crispness of the air. Right now I know it's autumn, but I do not feel autumn.

I somehow feel like I've been robbed of a season.

"Mm, yes," you may remark from the comfort of your expertise armchair, "it seems that you may be exhibiting symptoms of depression, perhaps triggered by the turmoil of a recent change in your relationship status."

True, true, all very true. But I somehow get the vibe that I've been slowly sliding down this path for a bit longer than just that. Maybe over the last year or a bit longer. It's like life has been leaking some of its luster.

At one point I really truly felt that happiness and wonder was a choice a person could make. But what if I don't have that any more? Am I just too lazy to be happy any more?

For 2013-2015 I recorded a second of video every day as a way of chronicling my life and what made me happy. For 2016 I decided to take a break from the project. I also stopped writing here regularly, and haven't been keeping a personal journal either. Kinda makes me wonder... Does this period in my life even exist? Am I nothing but a ghost lurking in my own flawed future memories?

Yay, existential shenanigans. Basically, right now I'm doing okay. Nothing's wrong, per se, but I've somehow settled into a routine of existence, rather than living. Something's missing. I just gotta figure out how to start looking for that thing, whatever it is.

As it turns out, at dinner tonight we all kinda forgot the traditional toast. Given my current conundrums, that's definitely something to feel thankful for.
-Cril.