Month One: Dating Sucks

Fun fact: Girls are horrible at making conversation.

Yeah, I know this is a wild over-generalization based on a tiny sample size. I've just thrown in the towel on Bumble after trying it for a month. I had a lot of strained conversations where no matter what I asked or commented, all I got in return was short, one-sentence replies that utterly failed to maintain conversational momentum. Made me feel like a bit of an idiot until I realized that a discussion is a two way street. Sure, maybe I'm the antithesis of stimulating communication, but it doesn't seem like any notable effort was made by the other half of participants to... participate.

I'm slowly trying to untangle the mess that is online dating to find something that works for me. I kinda dove in with the understanding that girls get an unlimited amount of attention, and therefore any female's attention is a hot commodity. But at the end of the day, there are as many single dudes running around as single ladies. The dating construction creates a weird interpretation of supply and demand.

So after a month of trying, I managed to talk with two girls for a significant amount of time. Of those, I went on three dates with the a girl until... We fizzled out. Hot off the realization that all women aren't necessarily awesome and that I can be entitled to having an opinion in the matter, I sent my first ever rejection text. She said she felt the same way. Being the people-pleaser I am, I wanted to have a good stiff drink and then run a drill bit through my my skull.

I seem to flip flop between the notion of "I girl would be lucky to have me, and I can take my time living a kickass life on my own until the right lady comes along" versus "I am soul-crushingly lonely and will never find anyone". I think dating is like putting a person through a pressure cooker. Everything becomes more intense, until something somewhere gives. I'm trusting that as I keep going I'll get used to rejection and won't let my hopes carry me away too far. I'll approach this whole ordeal with a mild anthropological curiosity, seeing what works and what people are like.

For now, though, I just don't seem to have any momentum whatsoever. I've spent this weekend floating around my apartment like the torn remnants of a plastic bag in a light breeze.

I figure to keep things interesting, I'll try a different platform each month and only use it once every few days. I think I need new/better profile pics.

And that opens up the whole, huge can of worms that is dating advice. A lot of it is insightful, a lot of it is pure fluff, and some of it is... Sticky. One afternoon I fell down the rabbit hole of dating advice for guys, and came across some seminar series for guys. About how you need to be confident and cocky and funny and mysterious. I'm sure if you follow all that advice, it works. But the question it raises is... Do I want to be that kind of guy? The answer is always 'no'. I don't want to be a smooth stud. I just want to be me.

Now that's not to say I'm perfect the way I am, because I know I'm not. There's a lot of good advice out there I know I can and should apply to improve myself. Some of it, though, just seems to cross the line over into territory where I get the feeling it'd be less about being a better version of myself than being an imitation of someone else entirely. That just makes me feel kinda gross. I'd rather be me.

And if that isn't appealing to anyone, well... It'll be time to give up on finding someone and focus on playing the best Single Player Campaign I can.

When the new year rolled around, I decided I wanted to fail more often. That'd mean that I'm taking more chances and not playing it so safe. Maybe this whole dating thing will fill that quota up nicely. If it doesn't, that'd be great. And if it does... That's okay too.
-Cril