I think part of the reason so many people dislike getting older is the feeling in the back of your head that you need to account for your travels. We take all that sweet, and deceptively alluring potential we have, and ever slowly trade it in for experiences and belongings. But those conversions only seem to go one way, don't they? Trade in your car and sell your home, but you'll never be able to get back that wide-eyed wonder and limitless potential that you had as a kid.
So yeah, we get old. Another year slips by us. We wonder how we got here, and we get scared that we can't retrace our steps and try to do it all again differently. I once had a girlfriend that would avoid telling me her age or birth year, as if she was ashamed of it. I don't think I'd ever known anyone to be that uptight about it.
2017 is drawing to a close, and being a sentimental fool of sorts, I make a conscious decision to stop and look back at the path I've tread through the year. How'd I do? Alright, I hope.
I sold my Porsche, which was bittersweet. I miss it dearly, and I absolutely don't. I essentially traded it for a motorcycle and accompanying license. Being a cautious critter of habit, it was nice to try something that scared me. And feeling like I've somewhat stagnated through my career, it was also refreshing to learn something new. I need more of that in my life.
And for the record, riding a motorcycle is a wonderful sensation and I already miss it. It was a good swap, and I think my Porsche would approve. Besides, I think I handed her off to a capable set of hands.
Then this last month I bought a BMW, because of course I did. At the beginning of the year, I looked at the Porsche and Honda and thought, "It's completely ridiculous that I own eight wheels per person." Until I manage to sell the Honda, I'm currently up to ten. It's silly. But at least the new car is far under 15 years old, and has a USB port. I've made it into the future!
I gave up on my mandolin lessons this year. I'm not progressing in skill very much at all as a result... But I'm playing more often and getting more enjoyment out of it. Maybe I'll never be a skilled musician of any sort, but if I like playing poorly for myself... that's okay.
There was some self-directed adventure this year, too. I went back to my old stomping grounds as a kid. It was a surreal experience, to say the least. And utterly satisfying, too. It was desolate and lush and remote and all too familiar. I'd been thinking about making that trip for, oh, ten years or so. It felt good to finally go and do it.
My big defining character arch of the year, though, has got to be my existence as a single and non-single entity. You know, relationship stuff.
I started the year off in a pretty low place. Feeling devastatingly alone and unsure that I could ever be anything else. My previous relationship taught me that I was a terrible person to be with. I felt low and miserable, like I was garbage. Then we broke up and I felt even lower on my own. My experiences in online dating taught me that I wasn't worth even talking to. Dark, dark days of regret and emptiness.
I tried to fill those days with weights and video games and music. All helped, none filled the void. It's funny, when I'm in a tormented mindset, my first inclination is still to go and work out. Funny, that.
My fortunes, though, seemed to reverse in a pretty violent matter. I found a girl and all that trash kinda got swept away overnight. I discovered that, hey, I'm actually kind of a decent guy in a relationship. That being with someone doesn't need to mean tense silences and carefully chosen words. Instead it can be, dare I say it... Easy. Like, really easy. No drama at all, just two people that know the other is a good person that means well.
I was surprised. I planned activities and got gifts and cooked meals from recipes I've never made, all in order to impress someone I liked. Even crazier, she liked everything I was doing. She thought I was a catch. What a total reversal from the dynamic with my previous girlfriend.
Most telling of all, I find myself going out of my way for her by doing little things to make her life easier. Because I want to. And she appreciates all of it.
My goal here isn't to say "HEY GUYS LOOK AT HOW GREAT MY RELATIONSHIP IS, I'M AWESOME, SHE'S AWESOME, WE'RE ALL JUST TOTALLY AWESOME." To me, I can't believe how hard of a contrast is drawn between my current and previous relationship. I went from feeling so... Defeated, useless, uninteresting and unworthy, to being all the opposites.
And goddamn does that feel good. It's like discovering there was a whole new person inside of you to come out. It's so validating to realize that you have something worth sharing and that you can enrich another's life.
Reading all that makes me realize just how bad things were.
Of course, it's not like finding a new girlfriend flipped a switch and all my baggage of regrets was transferred to a plane bound for Boise, Idaho, never to be heard from again. No, I carry a lot of that around with me still. But I open up those bags every once and a while, take out and carefully examine something in my hands... and I realize I don't need to bring it with me everywhere, so I throw it away. One item at a time.
Looking back, I'm horrified at the person I was to that girl. I'm horrified about how she treated me, and how I accepted it for so long, and how it (de)formed my sense of self. I still think about her, but each day less and less. Less and less. It sucks that we destroyed our friendship over it all. Well, not destroyed so much as... just erased. It has ceased to be, and ceased to have ever been. That's so much worse, in a way, and really sad.
This year has been an exercise in two dizzying contrasts. I've gone from feeling so very low, to so very high. I think I'm grateful for where I've ended up, and I think I'm grateful for where I've been, too. It helps me to appreciate how far I've come and what I've discovered in myself.
Part of me wishes I could cash in all my chips and try things over again with my newfound knowledge and confidence. But it don't work that way. And I never, ever want to be so self conscious about my age that I'm afraid to share it with people close to me. This is my path, this is where I've been, and this is where I've ended up. So far, at least. I've done some stupid things, and some awesome things, and I am the sum of those parts and experiences.
I don't imagine each year will contain such a drastic jump in a positive direction. But progress is progress, even if you find it in the opposite direction. I don't know, I'm rambling. Here's what I'm trying to say: A tough year has turned into a good year, and I hope there'll be more like it. I think I did alright.
-Cril
If I ventured in the slipstream
Between the viaducts of your dream
Where immobile steel rims crack
And the ditch in the back roads stop
Could you find me?
Would you kiss my eyes?
To lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again
To be born again
From the far side of the ocean
If I put the wheels in motion
And I stand with my arms behind me
And I'm pushin' on the door
Could you find me?
Would you kiss-a my eyes?
To lay me down
In silence easy
To be born again
To be born again
Van Morrison - Astral Weeks
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