I Am Not Okay: A Rebuttal

But on the other hand, I believe in the power of the mind. Somethings gain more influence just by being acknowledged and being granted permission to live in your head.

I've read and known about tinnitus for a long time, but I regret that fateful evening when I actually paused  to wonder if I actually had it. Turns out, yes, I do. I wish I had just left it alone and not taken 20 seconds to look for (and find) a problem. Now I can't escape it. Especially when I'm lying in bed at night, trying to doze off to the high pitched squeal of an overlayed B and A flat. Thankfully it goes away when I listen to music. I'm like Baby Driver, but without any discernible talent.

The point is that maybe by admitting I'm depressed and feel like hot garbage, I therefore am more depressed and feel like even hotter garbage. It opens the door for my head to overindulge in self-inflicted burden. I don't want to have anything wrong with me. No one does. No one wants to be weak, or have to admit that there's something off with their mind. That's having to admit that the very fabric of your reality is tainted, twisted, and torn. 

I don't want to go to therapy and discover more issues. I don't want to become reliant on another person to help me cope with day to day life. I don't want to depend on prescription medications to be functional. I want to be stable, reliable, and self-sufficient. Screw needing a 3rd party to help you stabilize your own place in the world. This is not something that a strong individual does. This is something a weak individual does.

I used to like to think that I was a decent person that was on top of his life. Responsible and all that. Someone you'd want on your team. Someone who knows what's going on, does his share of the work, and will pull through when you need him most. I'm no longer that person if I'm wildly depressed.

If I don't believe I'm depressed, how can I possibly be depressed? It's impossible to be a slave to the trappings of a mental condition if I just force my head to be in the right place. I think therefore I am. I don't think, therefore I am not.

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "You always seem to be going into bars. Are you an alcoholic?" The horse replies, "No, I don't think" and POOF he disappears. You see, this is a reference to the philosophical theory of 'I think, therefore I am', but if I would've explained that first it would've been putting Descartes before the horse.

I want my problems to go POOF. If I can make my mind certain that everything's fine, my mind will make it so. It's a self regulating, isolated system, isn't it? Just gotta suck it up. Be strong. Be better.

I still feel like garbage, and I hate how weak and useless that makes me. Perhaps I just need to suck it up and do the strong thing by ignoring the problem away. That's how it works, right?

-Cril