I don't even know how to begin. Okay, let's keep it simple then:
I am currently unemployed and in New York City. I know I don't want to be in New York City long term. I do want a job. There are lots of jobs here, and a lot of good jobs, too. The problem is, as a Canadian I need to get special visa status in order to stay. The end of the grace period on my student visa ends in roughly two weeks. In a way, I'm glad; it's forcing some sort of decision out of me. Or not.
Yes, it would be fun to play Hot Shot New York Designer, and be "that guy" that gets a killer job in the big time and everyone looks up to. I mean, who wouldn't want that? Me, I think. I've never been one to want awards and recognition. My goal, I think, has always been to work with cool people to make cool stuff. I'd love to be at some small/intimate little studio making Neat Things for a living. I don't think I want it to be seen all around the globe, or be in design annuals or anything. I think I'm just on a voyage to make myself happy in a way that I'm not reliant on the recognition of others. Hell, I've never really boasted about scholarships and grades, have I? I just want to be happy making good work I like.
And for a career, yes, it would be a wise thing to take a decent job at a well-known company. That's the kind of thing that could guarantee me some job security and better pay down the road. But I'm so tired of the whole delayed-gratification schtick. These last four years, I've been putting off having a life. Having a car, taking lessons for an instrument, travelling, learning to cook... I've put all of it off in the name of "I've got to work hard and concentrate now, so that later I'll be in a better place to enjoy those things." And that's what I've done. Yes, I could get some fancy New York job and do those things, but I know that I don't want to be in New York forever. It'll be like one more thing where deep down I'd be sitting on the launchpad, waiting to actually take off and start living the life I envision in my head.
But maybe I can't get a fancy New York job. I've applied at ~50 places over the last month and a half, and have been continually refining my portfolio. And yet I've had all of four interviews, none of which have born any fruit. I've even got a few killer referrals from one of my profs who's an uppity-up in the design world. That in itself was a bit of gong show. Talk about a missed opportunity.
There was an assignment where the student that did the best would get an hour-long personal consultation with the professor who knows everyone in the New York design scene. She could introduce the winner to anyone they wanted. And I won. So we booked the consultation and I went. And I completely wasted the opportunity. Got some feedback on my portfolio. She made an open recommendation on Facebook. And... That was about it, really. It wasn't until afterwards that I realized I pretty much could've used the opportunity to score an interview at anywhere I wanted. Problem is... at the time I had no idea where that'd be. And I still don't, really. I'm so utterly clueless about what I want professionally that it freaks me out. And when I found myself standing at the Gate of Infinite Possibilities, I uttered the equivalent of "I like turtles" and promptly closed my eyes and just started flailing around. A totally wasted opportunity. I feel like an idiot. Any of my other classmates would have made a better use of that consultation than I did.
I know a lot of the things I want out of life, but my career is (and always has been) one big blind spot. I'm not sure where I'm headed. Before coming to New York, I'd quip that as long as I could pay the bills, I could flip burgers and still make a pretty happy life for myself. I don't need much. A decent computer, a used car, and instrument. And then I came to New York, and I saw just how many possibilities there are. Grand jobs, big clients, large paychecks, conferences, design rock stars... It's all here. I feel like my expectations have adjusted themselves to fit my surroundings. Now I want it all. Or do I? I feel like the city has poisoned me, in a way. I feel like I'm dying to lead a big life, when I know I'm a small/quiet life kind of person. There are too many lights and sounds here.
So here I am, thinking that "yeah, maybe going back to Calgary is the way to go." After all, that is where I want to be. Around friends and family, somewhere car-friendly. But how much of that is me being homesick? How much of it is me wanting to justify returning home so that I can hide from the pressure of being a big and fancy designer? Or hiding from the possibility of failing at an impressive interview? I can't tell. Things are cloudy. I feel like I'm under a bit of a microscope, with friends/professors/family all watching to see how I do in the big time.
So is it okay to go home? I think that's what would make me happy. I'm worried that's a collection of fears masquerading as an excuse to give up here.
I won't lie, I'm absolutely craving some stability. I've lived in 4-5 places over the last year. I haven't had any work. The anxiety over whether or not I could/would stay has been gnawing at me since I originally arrived. I want to work. I want to have a kitchen where I can cook what I want. I want a car. I want to pay off my loans.
And here I am, about to let fate decide for me. Originally, I had decided that I'd stay if I got a decent job. If I got a crappy job, I may as well be back home where I'm a bit more comfortable and the cost of living is more affordable. If I got a groovy-cool job I'd stay, because it'd be good to have on a resume. But neither of those two possibilities have actually occurred. And I'm still applying for work here and there without any luck. So I may not have a choice after all. I have one solid week left where I could fish for work, but if I'm going to leave, I'd rather start preparing for that now. I kinda want to hang up my hat and enjoy my last two weeks here without worrying about finding work.
I've been incredibly restless these days. I have problems listening to podcasts, because my mind wanders towards my current predicament. I've been having very violent and unsettling dreams. Sometimes the uncertainty makes me want to vomit. Other times, I get so mad at myself for still not knowing what direction I should take me career in.
If I go back to Calgary, will I be a failure? I know that's a bit fatalistic. But apparently all the ACAD students that have come here on this SVA scholarship have ended up finding work and staying. I'll be the first one not to. But I know that I don't like the big city. I still have a lot of small town boy in me. I don't want to stay in New York all my life. So maybe going back is the best thing I can do. If I don't know what direction to take my career in, I can at least go the direction I know I want to take my general life in. New York will still be here. When I know what I want to do with myself as a professional, I'll do it. Until then...
Go West, young man.
-Chril
Mogwai - Take Me Somewhere Nice
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