So what have I learned?

Well that's a scary question.

The obvious stuff: How to screenprint, use Cinema 4D, the art/purpose of personal branding, the finer points of presenting. How to make a (simple) interactive portfolio, how to work on interactive projects. The difference between a gaussian blur and lens blur (hint: HUGE). How to find an apartment in one day, how to navigate a subway. How to swim through crowds of infinite depth. 

The less obvious answers is that I learned I have a lot to learn still. A lot. I learned I have problems with colour, typography, layout, contrast, concept, execution. In a nutshell, I'm not very good at what I do.

A bit heartbreaking, isn't it?

Now it should be said that I did, in fact, do pretty well in my classes. Dean's list, and all that. As one of my favourite profs told me, "you're a fantastic student. One of the best in the course." Notice how he didn't say "designer". He later added that he was expecting my pieces to be pushed a bit farther visually.

Okay, maybe I'm reading too far into things here. Most of my self-doubt is probably due to my portfolio prof who was particularly hard on me and made it clear how much I don't know. She really raked me over the coals over it, and justifiably so. But I also know I learned a lot from that experience and improved. But still... There were times when I listened and watched so intensely, trying to soak up every bit of knowledge so I could get better. And yet, I still lagged behind.

That's when I learned that either I'm inherently not good at designing, or learning, or both. Any of those possibilities are pretty disheartening to think about.

But I still got good grades, right? That means I've got to be pretty good, right?

No joke. On the very last day of one of my classes, I overheard a 3rd year student talking about her portfolio review. She said the comment left by the department head was "your GPA is stronger than your work."

AH-HA! Lightbulb moment! Like that prof said, I'm a good student. And I am. I participate, I'm on time, never been absent, follow the brief, etc. But, yes, my work is a bit lacking because I'm not that hot of a designer. 

This is something I've known in my gut for a long time and have just been able to articulate now. It raises a plethora of ugly questions. Why can't I be naturally good at what I want to do? What am I naturally good at? Am I in the wrong profession altogether? Has all of this been one massive waste? It's a really sucky realization to have, that you know you aren't as well inclined towards your field of choice as compared to your classmates/co-workers. That maybe in some way you're not cut out for it like others are.

I've learned that I'm not very good at what I do. But I am a good doer. If I'm still a solid student, that means I'll be a solid employee, right? On time, hard working, attentive, etc. Maybe my work might be lacking a bit, but I can make it up with my general work ethic.

As someone that worked his way through his four-year degree, I like to think that I work pretty hard. But then again... Everyone thinks they work hard. Have you ever gotten into one of those conversations where people try to prove they're the one's that work the hardest? "You worked 50hrs last week? Oh, well, 60hrs is the norm for me". Etc, etc. It's like a giant race to the bottom, to prove that, no, I'm the one that's the biggest loser without a life.

So is that something I should be proud of, even? I don't know.

But I do know I'm not the worst designer out there either. As much as the competitive part of me desperately wants to look down from the top of the mountain, I need to find peace with the fact that I just wasn't built to climb that high. And maybe I don't need to be the one get to the very top and be the one to plant a flag. Maybe it's okay to go at my own pace, one step at a time. Perhaps I'll never reach the top, but my determination and focus will eventually get me to some sort of summit with a nice view. I'd be okay with that.

I know it's easy to look at all this and fall into the despair of "I'm a failure as a designer, I'm not good at my profession, what have I spent all this time/money on", etc. In a strange way, it's very tempting to run away to flip burgers for the rest of my life. It's a punch in the gut to realize you aren't as good as you wish you were. Makes you wonder if there's a problem you have. If you just can't learn properly, or you're lazy, or just plain ol' inept. I mean, I want to be good.

Throughout the year, I've been keeping an open document called "Lessons Learned" full of the little things I need to keep in mind. Visual principles, about typography, colour, layout, contrast, etc. I'm trying to learn, trying to make it stick. I was going to copy/paste it in here, but it's like a grocery list of my insecurities as a designer. I might not have the physique of a mountaineer, but I hope things like this will help me to keep climbin'.

When I saw him last. that prof that told me I was a good student left me with one last thought as we were parting. He said "you'll be just fine", in a matter-of-fact tone. I don't know if I feel that way right now, but I think he's probably right. Just gotta keep climbin', and one way or another, I'll find my own trail and things will sort themselves out.

-Cril

I know when to go out 
And when to stay in 
Get things done

I catch a paper boy
But things don't really change
I'm standing in the wind
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try
I try

There's no sign of life
It's just the power to charm
I'm lying in the rain
But I never wave bye-bye

But I try
I try

David Bowie - Modern Love