And I'm getting older too

I've recently re-started drawing/sketching every day. It's been a long time since I've last done it consistently, so we'll see how long this lasts. It definitely feels good to be back at it, though. It's a good feeling to produce something every day, even if often it turns out to be crapthings. It feels good for the soul to churn something out each day regardless of whether or not you want to.

That sense of "I not only have self-discipline, but I can use it for constructive purposes" is a reassuring feeling to have when my career prospects feel otherwise dark. And, therefore, my capabilities as a visual artist... designer... thing appear to be in question. I mean, almost all the people around me are quick to offer words of encouragement and assurance that it's not all hopeless. But being unemployed and not able to land a job... Just eats away at your innards. It's an ugly process of self-doubt. In my head I can always debate if I'll ever be able to make something worth while, but if I can manage to draw each day I at least know I'm capable of making something, period.


That being said... My drive to find work is waning as a result of a) it slowly feels more and more futile, and b) settling into that low-pressure do-nothing go-nowhere schedule of unemployment. Again, forcing myself to sketch every day is slowly helping me to turn into a total slob. Just gotta keep plugging. Right now the big problem is that there just aren't many (if any) job postings. So now it becomes not a game of submitting applications, but of creating applications that will merit enough attention to create my own personal job opening. And then I need to be good enough to get said job.

So I've created a list of ~15 places in Calgary that I'd love to work at. Truth be told, there's a lot more awesome design work going on in this city than I expected. Nevertheless, now I need to concoct a way to get the attention of the uppity-ups at these respective studios. I've been putting off this task with impressive zeal. I don't know what I need to do. I'm scared to try and fail.

This is all compounded by the fact that I've resumed working half time at my old job. Within the first few days of starting, I'm finding myself idly wondering, "hm, it sure would be easy to just go back to full time. I could be making a full salary right now if I wanted to..." There are a few factors at play for why I shouldn't do that, least of which is that I'm a bit uncomfortable being there in the first place. Additionally, I'm a bit too comfortable being there. I can see it turn into a quicksand trap.

Nevertheless, I have to get some sort of income to pay the bills. I know I'm having a hard time being productive on my own, so I'd rather go in and work than spend more useless time bumming around on the internet. The idea was to go to the office and work from 9am-1pm on Mon-Fri. The problem is that I get home and I find myself thinking, "I just finished work for the day. I deserve a bit of a break." And before I know it, I've wasted an entire afternoon and evening. I hate myself. I pushed so hard in school, and now I'm just crashing in a blaze of anything-but-glory. Slowly collapsing like a flan in a cupboard, as my favourite comedian once said of the Austro-Hungarian Empire.

Something something Great Depression.
-Cril

I took my love and took it down
I climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow-covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Fleetwood Mac - Landslide