Chicken Mind Games

Sometimes you have a strange development in your life, and you find yourself tripping over a thought inside your brain. At first your reaction is close to "hey, that doesn't belong there", as if it accidentally fell off of one of the shelves in your subconsciousness. And then you bend down to look it right in the eyes, and realize that you don't quite know where it came from in the first place.

I don't feel like dealing in specifics here. Suffice it to say, I'm having these thoughts/notions pop-up (with alarming persistence) that I know don't quite belong to my rational mind. I find myself thinking these thoughts and being bothered by something they'd have me do. I'll agonize over them until, wait a second, there's no logic happening here. I thought I was done with this, I had settled it in my mind and weighed it down with reason so that it couldn't rise to the surface again. And yet here it is. What the hell?


So I find myself wanting something, even though I consciously haven't made the connection. Instead it's slowly popping up, always out of the corner of my eye, so that I never quite see it coming. It's approaching from the gut/emotional side of things, you see. It's an instinctual thought. My rational side had sorted things out, but apparently that's not good enough. NoooOooOooooOOOoo.

In a nutshell, my instincts are bothering me to do something my rationals aren't on side with. It's as if I'm playing chicken with my own head. My instincts are barreling down on me, and damn it, I have every reason not to budge from my trajectory.

But herein lies the issue. How do you play a game of chicken without using your instincts? Mine seem to be the opposing object careening toward me. Logic says that whatever my instincts tell me to do can't be trusted. Logic says a lot of things, though.

Either one side will win and the other loses (keeping in mind that both sides are part of me), or they'll crash together in a magnificent display of cacophonic mayhem. Regardless, it's looking like something is going to end up in a mess.
-Cril

Space boy, you're sleepy now
Your silhouette is so stationary
You're released but your custody calls
And I wanna be free

Don't you wanna be free?
Do you like girls or boys?
It's confusing these days
But moon dust will cover you
Cover you

This chaos is killing me

David Bowie - Hallo Spaceboy