Pennies and Anvils

It's hard to take advice from some people, you know?

There's a friend from SVA who's still in New York. After finishing school, she applied for work at a bunch of places and ended up getting an interview or two. Within a month she managed to snag a pretty good job at a fairly high-profile company after being referred by a friend. I was so happy/proud of her. It's a killer opportunity any designer would be lucky to have.

And then there's me. Applying and cold calling and interviewing until my fingers hurt, my ears are bleeding, and my mouth is drier than a mathematics lecture. And try as I might, I just don't have much to show for it, nevermind a high-profile job like hers. It's tiring and discouraging and draining on the self confidence.

Being a decent friend and good person, my friend tries to keep me motivated. Tells me it's a long road. Try to be confident in the interview. You just gotta keep trying and not give up.

If it were coming from anyone else, I wouldn't have a problem with it. And it's not that she's doing anything wrong, either. But because she got that job so, dare I say, comparatively easily, it's hard to take. I wanna say, "gah, she doesn't know what she's talking about! She clearly hasn't suffered through what I have, and therefore doesn't have any wisdom to offer me." It's a long road. I need to stay confident in my interviews. I just need to keep trying and not give up.

Stick those words into the mouths of any other person and I wouldn't have a problem. It's dumb.

I don't begrudge her success. Not even a little; I'm ridiculously happy for her and really admire her good fortune. She's very talented and obviously deserves to be where she is. No, there's no begrudging of her success. Instead, I'm just becoming bitter at the lack of my own.



Shortly after she got her job and was basking in the glow of her new employment, she remarked to me how she told our portfolio class prof about her success, who promptly invited her to come in for the next school year and talk to the other students. My friend said that if there was one thing she'd like to tell the students, it would be how they should embrace what makes them unique. How showing your interests and personality is what sets you apart from others and catches attention.

Bitterness demands I roll my eyes, even though the point has merit.

I started wondering what I would say if I got a job and was invited to come in to speak to the class (and yes, this is an exercise in utter fantasy due to the slight distance gap between me and the school). I think it'd go something like this:

As a designer, I lack two things. Self confidence in my work and natural talent. I'm not very visually-inclined and as a result design does not come easy to me. If you're anything like me, I have some advice for you. When you're working on something and can't get it right, keep beating your head against the wall. Eventually, there'll be blood. Keep banging your head against the wall. At some point after the start of bloodloss, you'll stand back in a stupor and find that you've made something worth while. When it comes time to get a job don't wait for opportunities to show up, and instead just start knocking on doors. Knock until your hand bleeds, and then knock some more. At some point, your bloody stump will get you ten minutes of attention from someone in charge. Chances are they'll tell you to (politely) screw off. Go to the next door and repeat the process with your other hand. Eventually, someone might even think your two-stumped bloody hulk is interesting and give you a job.

So, yeah. Bitterness is one hell of a drug. Even if I had had better luck with the job search I think the core of my message would remain the same, except with less jaded gore.

At some point I mentioned my doubts and fears to my friend. She told me,

"i think you're better suited to things that are more straightforward... to be honest... design is such an abstract...thing"

Oof. It's funny how I can shrug-off her positive advice and roll my eyes, but that little tidbit slipped from her hand like a penny and landed with the force of the rooftop anvil. Pretty devastating stuff. That's probably because it has more than a couple grains of truth to it that speak directly to my own insecurities and hesitations.

And after all, she graduated near the top of the program and got a high-profile job right out the door. She probably knows what she's talking about, right?
-Cril

I wake up, it's a bad dream
No one on my side
I was fighting
But I just feel too tired
To be fighting
Guess I'm not the fighting kind

Where will I meet my fate?
Baby I'm a man, I was born to hate
And when will I meet my end?
In a better time you could be my friend

Keane - A Bad Dream