30 Year-Old Foundations

I forget where I read it, but a couple months ago I saw a headline to the effect that by the time you reach 30, your personality is more/less set for the rest of your life. Most of your development has finished or plateaued, and you've mainly become the person you'll always be.

As someone staring square down the barrel of the big 3-0 shotgun, I'm slightly panicked by the thought that I'm about to commit to my many flaws. Oddly enough, over the past couple years, these have been becoming more and more evident. I've even developed a sudden sense of clarity in regards to what I've inherited from my parents.

I think that everyone, whether they care to admit it or not, is a lot like the people that raised them. And not just in terms of mannerisms or speech patterns, but some core personality traits in the case of biological parents. This in itself is probably deserving of its own post. But one of the things that I'm a bit scared of is how, like my father, I can become obsessed with something for a few months, completely beat it to death, and then move on. I can see that, within myself, I can struggle to stay committed to a task. What happened to sketching every day? Or playing the mandolin every day? Even this blog takes a lot of conscious effort to contribute to.

Will I always be like that? Unable to latch on and pull the trigger on something every day? Is that going to keep me from 'greatness', for the lack of a better word?

But what about everything else I'm not proud of, like being tight with money? What about eating just a bit too much than I should be? What about spending evening after evening doing nothing, feeling dissatisfied, and not being able to change it? What about a brain that seems to be springing leaks like a certain 2.5L Porsche engine, dripping the precious memories of oil every where I go? Can I even fix that, or do I just need to be diligent to keep my mental fluids topped up?

I think I'm afraid that on my 30th birthday I will suddenly be locked down into a perpetual state of stagnation. That it'll be impossible to make progress in the most personal sense. I know that life is painted using more shades of grey than something so binary as that. But even then, guttural fears aside, I think I reject the notion that progress ends at three decades of existence. I think, yes, by that age (or there abouts), a foundation has been laid and a certain perception of the world has been established.

In fact, I'm pretty sure it's happening. Over the last few years I can feel that I've been maturing (or, rather, "adulting"), leaving some elements of youth behind. Littering upsets me, I can't stand the smack-talk when playing online, and just this last month I even paid attention to a local sports team's results in the league finals. Truth be told, it scares me more than a little to let go of my 'youngerness', partially because I'm not sure I ever did well at being a kid and I feel like a lot of that stuff passed me by while I was worrying about whether or not I'd ever be able to afford a car at the tender age of 7 (true story. Spoiler alert: I grew up and was indeed able to afford a car).

I'm rambling. Help, I think I might be going straight onto old age.

In the end, my point is that I'll either conquer my own personal demons or I won't. I hope I can find and hold onto some sense of youthful wonder. I hope I can keep growing. Most of all, I hope I can find some sort of personal acceptance for whatever I am or become. No matter my age, though, that seems like it'll always be a reoccurring theme.
-Cril

As the dawn began to break
I had to surrender
The universe will have its way
Too powerful to master
Oh, oh, oh, oh

The Flaming Lips - In The Morning Of The Magicians