Boulevard Utensils

What if?

That's possibly one of the most dangerous questions to ask, because you know there aren't any satisfactory answers. No matter which direction you try to peel back the lid, you'll still end up with some of that crappy wax paper seal that was designed to come off easily yet never does. Those little flakes just fall off into the food the more you try to clean up the mistake. Gah.

"Women want a guy that's interesting. Lots of guys can be nice, and that's just the bare minimum for a social interaction." Well damn. Makes sense, right? I stumbled upon this the other day and I found myself wondering, "Am I interesting?"

I think so. Just a little bit. Went to art school. Went to art school in New York. Bought a Porsche. Dated a unique girl or two. Do some freelance, build some computer, play some instrument.

I mean, I sure haven't backpacked the Appalachian Trail, worked in a Vietnamese cafe, or ridden a train across Ukraine. I play it safe, and often times plain. There's a lot that I haven't done, perhaps moreso than I have. But I have a couple things in my corner.

And that spawned the What If of New York. Which direction would my life have veered had I not gone? Most likely, there wouldn't have been a veer of any sort; rather just a steady resolve to maintain the mundane.

So what if I hadn't have gone to New York?

I'd still be working the same job I'd had since highschool. Not a bad job, per se, but limited room for income and growth. I wouldn't have worked at an agency. I wouldn't be working as some sort of hoity-toity international consultant, with the occasional trip outside of my country.

I wouldn't have bought the Porsche. I think that extra year of school, with the combination of financial strain, total exhaustion, and loneliness, gifted me the hard-won perspective on what mattered. That maybe, just maybe, if I can survive on my own in this world-class city on my own dime, I can survive having my own adventures. Maybe it's okay to cross that sportscar-shaped item off my bucket list.

I actually sold that car recently. I had my enjoyment, and it was a great learning experience of both a mechanical and personal variety. But it was time to move on to other adventures, and as much as I had loved that car, it was a bit irresponsible to take on such a responsibility without the proper facilities to care for it. Truth be told, the squeaks and bumps and repairs had started be a drain on me. I can forsee myself returning to the House that Porsche Built, but not at this moment.

Anyways, New York. Or not.

I think without my time there, I wouldn't have gotten the time I needed away from an unhealthy relationship to grow a backbone. To have the ability to say to myself, "Hey, this isn't okay and I deserve to have an opinion on the matter." If I never went to New York, either I'd still be bleakly attached to that person, or we would have utterly imploded in a much more painful manner than we actually ended up doing.

I'd probably be making a lot less money, too. I doubt I would've bought a mandolin and taken lessons to go along with it. Instead, I probably would've doubled-down on gaming. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing in and of itself, but there's something to be said for variety.

And I think if I had never gone to New York, I'd be a totally different person. It was such a kick in the pants of my low confidence to know that I can arrive at a place where I didn't know a soul and within a day hustle myself up an apartment to live in. And then find a place to live until I could take possession. And then find somewhere else to live when there was a one month delay. And then, in the midst of finals and interviews and portfolio shows, have my landlords decide not to renew my lease. Pack up, clean, find a place, move out. I was so, so exhausted. But I made it.

And you know what? New York helped me to appreciate some of the beauty in the world. It taught me to sing and dance to my music when I go grocery shopping. How to love all the green space. And to just recognize that there are marvelous things outside of my own little sphere of existence.

Ripples, man. If I hadn't gone away for that year, there is so much more than just my education or travelling experience that wouldn't have turned out the way it did. I'm glad things have gone the way they have.

I'm still not the most interesting person out there. But it's nice to know that I have a little something in my corner.
-Cril

We know, we know, we belong to ya
We know you built your life around us
And would we change, we had to change some

We know, we know, we belong to ya
We know you threw your arms around us
In the hopes we wouldn't change
But we had to change some
You know, to belong to you

The Decemberists - The Singer Addresses His Audience