About fourteen years ago I did something that I'd forever hold close to my chest out of sheer embarrassment. I took the knowledge test to get my learner's drivers license. Yup, that collection of 30 basic, common sense questions that everyone knows the answers to, even if they've never been that interested driving in the first place. The test that my older brother and sister (and all their friends) had successfully completed to little fanfare. The test that I took and absolutely bombed.
Which, even though no one criticized me about, is quite inwardly humiliating when you secretly consider yourself as one of the "smart kids". I passed it on the second try a couple weeks later, paying for it myself because my parents' offer to pay for tests only extended to the first attempt.
Looking back, I'm not 100% sure why I failed. It might've been because I rushed through it, or because I didn't study hard enough. Either way, overconfidence of some sort.
After passing and receiving my learner's permit, I decided I was going to take a drivers course. This'd shave a solid 6 months off of the time I'd have to wait before I could take my road test and be licensed to drive on my own. I was so into this idea that I used all my birthday and Christmas money to pay for most the course, while my parents picked up the remaining balance.
To this day, I'm still not quite sure why I was so hot on the idea to get my license - my interest in cars/driving wouldn't actually start to develop for another four or five years. But I was determined, so I took the course, and practiced, and took the road test, and failed.
That was in part to two things. First was some vague instructions from my examiner which led to a close shave pulling out of the parking lot, was an automatic failure. Second was the fact that I was nervous as hell. I can still remember how absolutely how dry my mouth was, and how shaky I felt afterwards. It's pretty unnerving having a grumpy old guy sit next to you, silently taking notes on everything you are (or aren't) doing. Pure, unadulterated, government-mandated judgement of the highest degree.
For the record, the even that caused the automatic fail wasn't really a close call. It wasn't one of those "Holy crap, what was I thinking, that was almost an accident" moments, so much as a "Whoops, I was a bit of a dufus there" moment you have from time to time. Or maybe you don't, and that highlights my problem.
Anyways, more self-shaming and practice ensued, as well as forking over more of my precious (and dwindling) savings for a second road test fee. I don't remember much of that attempt except I was still unbearably nervous, my examiner was a relaxed middle-aged woman, and (most importantly) I passed. It was a pretty big relief.
A few years later, after learning to drive a standard transmission in the dark in the rain, owning two different cars, and hauling myself (and all my belongings) over the Rockies in a tiny Civic, it came time to get rid of my New Driver designation. To do that I had to take another road test.
I brought a water bottle this time, which didn't help douse my nerves at all. So I failed. For doing 30kmh in a school zone during school hours. Turns out the sign didn't post the 30kmh designation, so I only needed to slow down if there are actually schoolkids in the area. I didn't know this was even a thing.
I'd like to think I failed for being too careful, but I guess you could say I failed for not knowing the rules of the road and potentially being a hazard to other traffic.
I eventually said "screw it" and moved to a different province where my beginner's license was automatically upgraded to a full one without the need for an examination. But the damage was pretty much done, as it appeared I had established a bit of a theme when it came to me and road tests. It's a pretty swift kick to the confidence to fail so routinely at something you think you enjoy and think you're good at.
I've had one parking fine. Aside from that, I don't have even one point on my license - not so much as a speed camera ticket. But I have been in one accident. I wasn't ruled to be at fault, but the damage was done regardless (physically to my car and emotionally to me). Though the footage clearly showed that the other guy was trying to run the orange light, it didn't stop me from beating myself up about it. I went without a car for a couple years, not just because I was living on a student budget, but out of a form of twisted self punishment. It was a bit scary getting behind the wheel again.
A safe driver? Yeah, I'd like to think that's me. I still have the odd "that was a dufus thing to do" moment, but for the most part I try to be smart/responsible, and I think I do okay. But somehow all my tests and failures have soaked in like a stain on whatever 'car guy' status I'd like to think I have. Aside from whatever automotive trivia I try to cover up that ghastly splotch with, maybe I am, afterall, just another shitty driver out on the road that doesn't deserve their license.
Thoughts like that kinda eat away at a guy.
The other weekend I took a motorcycle course. I had been idly considering it for the past couple years, and thought it'd be a solid way to recognize a birthday/milestone that I hadn't really celebrated for myself. I hadn't even so much as sat on a bike in my life when I registered for the course.
I took the in-class session, and was the only person there furiously taking notes. I did the weekend course out on a parking lot, on a lil' Yamaha Virago 250. It was hard to grasping onto the idea of a linear 1-N-2-3-4-5 transmission, let alone having the mechanical wherewithal to make my hands and feet operate fairly opposite to what I'm used to in a car. My balance isn't so hot, either. I dropped my bike once, doing a slow speed maneuver. I got caught between a twitchy throttle/transmission, questionable balance, and not looking at the horizon.
But such accidents are what these driving school loaners are made for.
At the end of the course, we immediately had the road test. I was supposed to go second, but due to a paperwork snafu, I got bumped up. Filled out the paper work. Strapped on an ear piece, and put on my gear. Told nerves, "screw it" and hit the road. Shoulder checked and mirror checked. Signalled, watched my speed. Somewhere in there I also forgot my signal and shoulder checks. But I plowed through.
At the end... I passed. The only thing the examiner marked me on was one spot where my balance wasn't too great. Either I did a slightly better job than I thought, or this clipboard-wielding, old Asian dude was really relaxed and forgiving.
Either way, I felt like I had finally shed some of this negative vehicular licensing karma that had hung around my shoulders for so many years. I finally passed something on my first try, as if I was a capable motorist that knew what they were doing.
Here's the thing - riding a bike still scares the crap out of me. I need to be looking straight ahead if I need to come a stop, which makes me fairly timid when approaching various merges. My balance still isn't the best; I'm a bit jerky when pulling up to a stop, and executing tight corners still freaks me out deep down. But when you get to lean into an apex and power your way out just right... It's definitely a good feeling.
Seems like everyone I talk to about my newfangled motorcycle license tells me about a motorcycle-related horror story they or someone close has experienced. Riding still scares me, one part because of my vulnerability to other drivers, one part my own inexperience. I'm hoping I can slowly grow out of the latter, and maybe keep a bit of the former.
Yes, passing my test has been a nice little confidence boost of sorts. But that isn't a guarantee for anything, and in a weird way, it's nice to be doing something that scares me.
-Cril
It's not a big motorcycle
Just a groovy little motorbike
It's more fun that a barrel of monkeys
That two wheel bike
We'll ride on out of the town
To any place I know you like
First gear (Honda Honda) it's alright (go faster faster)
Second gear (little Honda Honda) I lean right (go faster faster)
Third gear (Honda Honda) hang on tight (go faster faster)
Faster, it's alright
Beach Boys - Little Honda '64
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