A Bit Lost

I usually spend New Year's with my uncle's family. We get together for the evening, eat some food, and go outdoor skating (our little yearly shot unadulterated Canadiana). On our way to the frozen pond I ask everyone a series of  questions to sum up the last year; best moments, favourite movies and games, biggest accomplishments, etc etc. On the way back to the house I ask about what we're looking forward to and want to accomplish over the new year. It's a nice little way to recap and look forward as the last four digits of the date roll over.

Instead of a best-of recollection and cheery look to the future, this year I'm more inclined towards holding myself accountable for where I've been and how I've arrived where I am.

I've been on three trips this year: Mexico to visit with my girlfriend's parents, back to BC to see my family, to the East Coast to see my girlfriend's parents and drive the Cabot Trail. I worked on every single one of those trips, slaving at my laptop most days and mainly just pausing over the weekend. Make hay while the sun shines, right?

Well it's been a sunny year, and I've made a stable's-worth of hay. I've kept plugging away at my main gig and tackled a few side projects along the way. At some point in the summer things had slowed down a bit and I thought, "Man, it'd be kinda nice to have a side project to chew on right about now." Then not one, not two, but four different clients came to me with work. It hasn't really let up much since then. Some times you put a thought out into the universe and it answers back with all the grace of a rollerskating elephant. It's all shit and skidmarks. But my accountant should be pretty happy with me once tax season rolls around.

I can't say it's been a satisfying year, though. Because I've been working from home, I sold my car this fall. BMWs are comfy and fun and I liked owning one, but they're a ticking time bomb of maintenance. Letting go of it was the prudent thing to do, and now I drive my girlfriend's beige-on-beige four-door Honda Accord. It's not a bad car, but it's far from special. And no matter how long or hard you drive it, it's still beige. That can't be outrun.

My clients seem pleased with the work I'm doing, pay their bills on time, and throw me more work when the opportunity arises. While my clients are happy with the work, I'm not. I'm just churning out material that I'm borderline ashamed of. Not that it's bad, it's just beige. And they're happy, and they pay, and I feel like a hack. Mind you, I've always battled this problem where I can't see my own work for what it is; I'm blind towards anything that my own hands have touched. It's really frustrating and more than a little demoralizing.

I've been busy with the huge spectrum of work and demands on my attention. I've started managing a few properties and being a personal assistant to an old woman in poor health. This past year I've been adapting to the whole concept of living with another person and sharing an engaged day-to-day life. Then there's been pysiotherapy, cooking, going to the gym, chores... I'm a busy, occupied man.

These are all just excuses, though. Excuses that feel like lies. They're all true of course, but they're a slap in the face of work integrity and diligence. You want to call me uninspired? Go for it. But I don't think that's good enough. I'm worse than uninspired, I'm apathetic and complacent in my own mediocrity.

Beige meets deadlines, doesn't attract criticism, and gets the bill paid on time. Beige is good. Beige is god.

My sketchbook has been slowly defiled away from drawing into just keeping notes. I haven't touched my mandolin in a year and a half. I don't have any passion projects, maybe because I don't have any passion. Every once in a while I take out the camera and shoot targets of opportunity, hoping that I can obscure a lack of originality and skill behind a big lens. So what does that leave me with? In-between being professionally beige, I whittle away the remnants of my life one idle click at a time. You know the dance well: Reddit, Twitter, YouTube, Feedly. Step, two, three, four. Again.

Production does not equal inspiration.

I still read the blogs and marvel at all the latest projects and logos and campaigns and illustrations. I look at them and say, "Ah, yes, I see what they did there! How clever and refined! Truly, only an educated person such as myself could truly appreciate something such as this." Do I make anything that elicits such a reaction from someone else? I can guarantee you I don't.

dil·et·tante
a person who cultivates an area of interest, such as the arts, without real commitment or knowledge.

I recently 'rediscovered' that word, and I fear that it fits me like that old ratty shirt that I can't bring myself to throw out. It's just too comfortable, in both fit and mindset.

This post first started taking shape about two weeks ago. It's been the culmination of a year or more of self-discontent. On Friday I found out I'm being laid off in a month, so I took to the keyboard forge to shape this lump of raw mental metal into something with a point at the end.

I knew for a long time that working for a startup wasn't the most secure position to be in. I prepared financially for these exact circumstances, but I absolutely didn't prepare creatively. I built the fallout bunker and didn't bother to stock it with food.

If it sounds like I'm being to harsh on myself, it's because I am and I deserve it to some degree. There's no more time to coax myself into creative compliance; I need to do it, and I need to do it now. My portfolio hasn't been updated since I graduated, and I don't feel confident enough that any of the work I've done since then is even worthy. I have a short window to talk myself into using some projects and then rush to fill the gaps. I need a job.

I went to Vegas over the weekend, but I was in a weird head-space the entire time because of this news. I was kinda anxious to get back and start doing something to get on track. I have four hurdles: the resume, the portfolio, the website, and the re-convincing of myself I'm worth hiring. I'm hoping that with each of the first three I clear, the last one will become shorter.

There aren't any particularly clever words for me to end on. True, things definitely aren't as bad as they could be, but they should've been so much better. I'm disappointed with how complacent I've been, and just as I was starting to confront it I've received the rudest of awakenings. I'm facing a setback that's proportional to how far I've just sat back. Equilibrium. The pendulum is really moving now, and I need to hold on as it swaps directions.
-Cril

Lost at sea
Is where you'll find me
It's got everything I want
But nothing that I need

Does anybody feel
All this talk ain't real?
Does anybody see
That the truth is in the mystery?

Could it be sweet
Standing on my feet?

I don't know, but I'm gonna try
Thinkin' up ways not to wash up in a lie
(Could it be sweet?)
Everybody's tellin' me it's not too hard
If you keep swimmin' it don't seem far

Dawg Yawp - Lost at Sea