Play It Again, Sam

When was the last time I failed at something?

You could say I've failed over the last month to get my portfolio in order, but that's mainly for a lack of trying. When was the last time I put effort and hope into something and come up short? I don't know, to be honest. And that makes me feel kinda gross.

How come getting laid off is such a blow to my self-confidence that I can't seem to build up momentum and drive to find something new? Am I really so fragile? Why am I overcome with doubt? Compared to a month ago, it seems my anxiety has been replaced with resignation. It's all useless and pointless, even if I find a job I'll be laid off in the next recession, etc, etc.

Did you know that you have 150% higher chance of getting hired if you're already employed? And that after the age of 35 your hireability decreases by 8% each year? Good stuff.

I got head-hunted a couple weeks ago by a really nice architectural/experiential firm. I had a phone interview. It went well, but they're mainly looking to grow their team in New York. If I didn't have a girlfriend I cared for, I think I'd have gone for it. Unemployed and single in Calgary? Forget that nonsense. One of my coworkers from the job I got laid-off from just got a divorce and got a visa approved. He's moving to NY next month, I'm super excited for him.

I wish I wasn't so incapable of feeling confident about my work and skills and values. Part of me thinks it's time to change careers/industries to something more black-and-white, rather than the subjective hell that is art and design. It'd be so nice to know that you could get an answer 'right'.

Here I am, making excuses and indulging my fears without even applying to anything first. I haven't earned the right to contemplate a career switch until I at least try to weather one wave. I think applying for a different type of job is so appealing because I don't need to confront my portfolio. I gotta get in gear, make a plan, and stick to it. Start applying and see what happens.

Where did my hustle go? It's about time I go out to the proverbial backyard and dig that corpse back up. It is 2019, after all.
-Cril