I just survived the first three days of classes, and, uh... It was easier than expected, to tell the truth. But this, folks, is what we call "a false sense of security". I'm sure it'll go all to hell very shortly.
In a nutshell, I did well with the in-class stuff, and had all my homework completed by late Saturday. I feel, dare I say, on top of things. Still, this will be my first full week and I'm sure it'll be a lot more intense than what I've done so far. To assume that the rest of the year will be similar to the first three days is a stupid assumption to make. And yet I want to believe it so badly...
It was subtle, but I've made a shift into 'school' mode. I was digging through some laundry in my room the other evening, when I realized that my world had gone two shades grayer. And I'm not talking about dust, either. It's that mentality where you're not quite seeing the world at hand, because you know there are more important things you need to be concentrating on. I've also noticed that, almost overnight, I've become incompetent at multiplayer video games. I just can't stack up against anyone else in the server - instead of being in the top ~5 spots on the scoreboard, I'm in the lower 5. Can't aim fast enough to get off the shots. Not thinking and moving tactically. And I was fine last weekend, even. It's like a switch - all of the sudden I'm just not feelin' it. I've discovered that letting my mind idle is a stressful thing to do. I get super worked up, as pick up speed circling the drain on my way to being totally overwhelmed. I worry about class A then B then C, then the car, then class D, then finances, then class E... It's a slippery slope. Uncomfortably slick.
It doesn't help that one of the first things the professors told us upon returning was proper nutrition for pulling an all-nighter. Eat once an hour, carbs and proteins, no sugar/sweets and no energy drinks. Yeah, that's exactly what I wanted to hear. Oh, that familiar sinking feeling. Just when I thought "Okay, maybe I can do this..." everything gets called into question. I don't operate well on a lack of sleep. And maybe it's all an intimidation thing, but still. It doesn't help.
I secretly wish I didn't have a large portion of this weekend "off". I feel so unproductive, and everything I've done with my time feels so unsatisfactory. Maybe I should've gone in to work. That'd be a bit of a challenge - my desk/computer has already been cannibalized for other employees. Oh well, so it goes.
I'm tired. There were other things I wanted to say, I think, but I can't recall them. Maybe that's just school working on my brain, making me feel all sorts of scrambled.
My room mates started watching The 4400 the other day, and I watched the pilot episode with them. Man, that was a good show. I wish I could watch it again too.
Bleh. I'm feelin' so... Unsettled.
-Cril
Ronald Jenkees - Stay Crunchy
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