Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time

Ugh. Have you ever found yourself in a position where you ask yourself... What the hell was I thinking? You see, here I am, ten measely days from the end of my summer. I've realized that, for some reason, I thought that using my only two non-school months of the year to work 50-60hrs a week with some freelance projects on my off hours seemed like a good idea. There was this game with a jumping puzzle, where if you were on a cloud, it would slowly sink for a few seconds before disappating and you fell through. It appears that that is the fate that befell me and my summer. It just evaporated and seeped through the cracks. Here I am standing on the ground, wondering where the heck it all went.

I have some money. I could've done something with myself. Coulda gone somewhere. It's embarrassing to admit how little daylight I've experienced. Most of it is the fledging glow of the setting sun as I emerge from the office at the end of the day. It's probably safe to say that I did not get any significant exposure to summer. I somehow managed to let it passed me by under the notion that all the work would be worth it.

And I mean, sure, it was easier than the school year. 60 hours a week is, after all, just 60 hours a week. I managed to play a game or two, I've been able to (mostly) keep up on sketching once a day for July and August, I played my instrument, went out for the odd meal with friends/family... I just can't believe how little free time I've had, though. I mean, that totally seems to contradict the previous statement, but I seemed to have wasted my time on many small things I had to get done. And now the summer has been squandered. But still... 60hrs a week could've been 40hrs a week. I could've used some of my vacation days, like normal people tend to do, rather than stockpiling them to cash in like a burnt out gambler at the end of the day. A pathetic consolation prize for managing to skip over the most coveted season of the year.

So what now? I do, after all, have a week and a half left to do something, anything, with myself. Alas, 'tis too late. There's too much to do, too much responsibility I have to be responsible about. I honestly entertained the idea of working 8hr days for the rest of the summer, and I immediately found the notion to be a rather stupid musing. There's simply too large a pile of crap to burn through, if I want to go back to school with most things in a manageable position.

All these musings are almost certainly a manifestation of my nervousness for the upcoming year. Will I be able to hack it? Can I find the time to do everything I need to? I'll be studying on some of the more senior professors with higher standards... Am I ready to take the unavoidable hit to my grades? The second year was supposed to be the hardest of the program. What if this one isn't any different? What if it's worse? That's what I'm coming to expect from it.

But there's always next Saturday, right? That's kinda what I'm banking my hopes for a peaceful sanity on, but I wish the day wouldn't come at all. Just leave it as something I can continually look forward to. The perpetual someday. Anything beyond the end of my education is too far out of sight. Keep the carrot near and palpable, but unknowingly unobtainable.

So. Saturday. Will it be a victim of last-minute organization? More odd jobs, so that I can satisfy my need to be physically, rather than mentally, prepared? Or perhaps I'll borrow the DSLR from work, and get in my car, pick a direction and just go. If only I could trust the car, and if only I was proficient enough with the camera. If only.
-Cril

We almost forgot how lovely a summer can be
Without any worries or rain
How lovely a summer here can be
We almost forgot how warm a meadow can be
Open your eyes and open your windows
And see how lovely a summer here can be

I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
I love you
Give me a kiss
Give me a kiss
Give me a kiss, quickly, before the last bus

Scala & Kolacny Brothers - Ik Hou Van U