Extreme Sounds That Told Me

Still in a weird head space, dammit.

You know what I love, though? When you stumble on a song that has been in your library for ages, and you discover that it totally makes a connection with where you're are mentally at that moment. When you can practically hear your own thoughts being sung back to you through someone else's voice, complete with melody and atmosphere and accompaniment... Feels like it's the definition of divine inspiration to discover that something was there, waiting for you to stumble on it, to express your state of mind better than you're able to.

So... Boy am I feeling unmotivated today. I guess I've been whining about that a lot lately, but hopefully I'll break through it this week. Well, I'll have no choice in the matter, really. I'll have two major projects coming due between the 4th and 8th, so this is a pretty important week.

I'm trying really hard to get less... Invested in school. Don't get me wrong, I still care and I still work hard. But I'm trying to distance myself from the competition and need to completely satisfy my professor. Sure, they're the ones that issue the marks and give feedback, so I really should be going by their word. But at the same time, I'm getting to the point where I need to focus on my portfolio. Marks will matter less. I think. I don't know. I'm putting in a lot of effort, and just finding that the emotional investment tied to marks is draining. I gotta concentrate on what I need to do and accomplish. It's not about grades - it's about skill.

I took a quick peek at my financial totals for 2011 so far. Turns out that I'm doing a lot better this year than I could have expected. And if it wasn't for how methodical and tedius I am with keeping records of these things, I'd be 100% convinced that there was a MAJOR error somewhere. So right now I'm only about 70% certain that there's something wrong with my data. In a way, I guess it makes sense that I'd be doing this well - all this year I've been working part time at both ye normal employment and tutoring, as well as picking up the odd freelance project on the side. So, yes, I should be in pretty good shape. But not this good. I've checked over my spreadsheet twice already, eyeballing my formulas and looking for any cells that contain peculiarly large numbers. And so far I've turned up nothing. Heck, it's open on my other monitor as we speak, taunting me. "You know that I'm screwing with you. You can't possibly be in this good shape for the year. I'm hiding the problem, so you can't find it, sucker." So far, the only thing I can think to do is to individually download every bank statement to cross-check it with my data. Is it worth the time? I'm pretty convinced that what I have isn't right, but is it worth the hassle to figure it out? Just the thought that I've screwed up somewhere in this mess is enough to drive me nuts. I try to really careful with this stuff.

Gah, I just finished looking it over again. Didn't find a thing. I don't get it. I guess I'll have to compare it once I get my tax forms at the end of the year. On the plus side, though, in a moment of weakness where I was high on the fumes of untrustworthy financial statistics, I finally bought myself some headphones. I've been stuck with crappy earbuds since early spring. And because I tend to destroy those too, I bought 6 more pairs. Hopefully that'll last me a year or so. For the headphones, though, I even went ahead and got an extended warranty, so that I can switch 'em out once they inevetibly get destroyed.

Anyways. Back to das hommwerken.
-Cril

Extreme sounds that told me
They held me down every night
I didn't have much to say
I didn't give up the light
I closed my eyes and closed myself
And closed my world and never opened up to anything
That could get me at all

I had to close down everything
I had to close down my mind
Too many things have caught me
Too much could make me blind
I've seen so much in so many places
So many heartaches, so many faces
So many dirty things
You couldn't even believe

Moby - Extreme Ways