I'm in a really weird head-space right now. I got chatting with a co-worker in the later hours of Thursday evening, when I should have been focusing on a Typography assignment. Instead we ended up discussing certain revelations until somewhere around 2AM. Just having someone to bat an idea around with for a few hours proved to be insightful, and I think I reached some interesting conclusions. In particular, I had no right to complain about what I was whining about in that post. I think it's a bit selfish and naive to assume that you're somehow entitled to such a relationship. The worlds a big place, and there's no kind of guarantee that everyone gets the kind of support they wish they had. And it's damn self-centered to assume that there'll be someone, somewhere that you can call in for backup at the drop of a hat. There are some battles, I think, that are meant to be fought and won or lost on your own. Not everyone is lucky enough to get the kind of reinforcements they wish they had at any given time, and it's naive and a folly to stake a campaign on it.
It's kinda depressing how long it took for that concept to click home. I'm not saying that we're all alone, and will be forever, and can't expect to have others there for us. But for some things, it'll just never be the case. We aren't entitled to anything, so you shouldn't be expecting it in the first place.
Over the course of the evening, though, El Coworker picked my brain for quite a while, just kinda poking at things and making interesting observations. One of which was "you think about stuff that aint supposed to be thought about". Which, quite frankly, rather amused me. I like to think that all the ramblings I post here aren't completely mundane.
Then she went on to make a few more remarks that I found rather uncomfortable, and to be honest, I don't completely understand. And I'm still trying to turn some of that stuff over in my mind's eye, examining it like it's some sort of foreign device that I just can't figure out how it's supposed to be used. I think I know what it's supposed to do, but not really how.
Uhm, yeah. It's all put me in a bit of a funk. I got home late last night from a wedding reception, and all the residual activity going on inside my head from Thursday just wouldn't let me get to sleep. So I naturally did what anyone would do under such circumstances - I busted out the kit and shaved my head. Pretty short, at least. Had there been more razors in the cabinet and/or I was blessed with a slightly less hideous scalp, I might've taken it all off. But once I finished, I went into the shower to wash off. And then I used up my borderline dull and sole remaining razor to take off the beard. And then I went to bed, and slept. Not very well, mind you - things are getting pretty cool at this time of year, and my cranium was left rather exposed to the lack of warmth in my dungeon suite. Still, it felt good. I wish my hair was longer, so more of it could've come off for even MORE Catharsis Points.
So until I get this whole ordeal sorted and tagged and catalogued within this wonderfully disordered (and freshly cut) head o' mine, it'll be business as usual. Perhaps with sharply increased intake and care put into my music selection. But at least I came away from it with one conclusion that I can put into practice. I suspect it'll take a few tries to get working the way I want it to, though. Implementation is always the hardest part.
-Cril
Rob Dougan - Clubbed to Death 2
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