Fresh off a bus to Six Years Later

It was six years ago today that I stepped off a bus, into a different province and a new job. It was like some sort of lame montage from that predictable, dime-a-dozen chick flick/drama that you'd never watch twice. Never the less, I jumped into my first full time employment, doing manual labour and other such menial tasks that you get minimum wage to do. The first day was a blur, like a hazy dream. All I can recall is that I sat there making springs all day long, because that's what someone told me to start doing, and I was so clueless about everything that I just kept on going.

And I kept working, blinked, and it was six years later. Somewhere along the way, I moved up in the world of sweeping floors and from taking things out of boxes and putting them in other boxes. I went from dabbling with the odd graphic design task to doing it as a primary position. At one point I made a few minor corrections on the website, and before I knew it, I was the go-to-guy for managing most of the online content. Instead of chipping in the odd idea for advertising, I seem to be heading up most marketing efforts, including evaluating donations and sponsorships. Now I'm a laser engraver technician of sorts, the content-writer most news posts, coder for newsletters, a non-coding developer for a new website, and... Other things, too. A far cry from winding springs all day. And through some truly bizarre twist of fate, I've found myself as the most senior employee.

And I think that's what really bothers me. Because I secretly have no idea what I'm doing. Well, I've dabbled in probably 70% of all areas within the company, so aside from The Bosses, I guess I technically should be capable, to some degree. And I won't lie, having people come to you with semi-significant questions or being asked for an opinion on something that's not directly under your control feels good. Really good. I like the idea that I have something valuable to contribute. But I'm not sure how much if it I deserve

This kind of became obvious this summer, though, when said The Bosses went on some summer vacation, and I was left as The Guy In Charge. Truth be told, the staff is wonderfully independent and capable, and I barely did anything managerial-like. But in those few cases where I had to jump in, what I did do didn't pan out so well. Not so say I burned down the building or made any big disasters, but some mistakes were made. I'm not sure how much of a success those two weeks as acting Big Cheese were, but it sure was a learning experience.

When I look around at my co-workers, I see a lot of talent and intelligence. Sure, I have more experience in a bunch of different categories, but I don't think I'm really the master of any of them. So I guess like any decent leadership, it's about trusting those that you're working with. It's just kind of tough to reconcile that I'm the one with most seniority, which (in theory) equals most capability.

It's also worth noting that while it was six years ago that I started working here, about only about 2/3 of that has been spent at full time. When I work part time during the school year, I miss out on a LOT. And that really drives me nuts, to walk in and do your important tasks, all the while having very little feel for what else is going on. There's more to it than a quick 15min meeting to see where everything is at - a big part of it is being able to feel and perceive the mood of the people around you. And that's something that's really hard to pick up on when you're working very limited hours.

So when it came time to choose my days off for Christmas, it didn't quite feel right to be told that I had first pick. By years of seniority and total logged hours, yeah, maybe there's some truth there. But I feel kinda bad taking that privilege when there are people around me that work just as hard as I do and have put in more hours over the last year.

There was a joke made last week, albeit a rather inappropriate one, where my boss mused that if I were to drop out of school, I could return to full time work and give the boot to the person that had been hired to take over most of my design and content management duties. Aside from the questionable act of joking about someone losing their job... I really don't like the idea that I'd get treatment like that above someone else. It just doesn't sit well with me. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad that I'm appreciated and they find I'm valuable enough that they want me back full time. It means a lot. But I don't like the idea that it may or may not come at one of my coworker's expense. Whether it be with wages, making decisions, performing roles or tasks, choosing holidays, or the job position itself... If it's interfering with someone else, it just doesn't feel right.

Maybe I still see myself as that doofus that stepped off a bus six years ago, with nothing more than a fistful of summer and temporary jobs under his belt. Seniority? What's that? Yeah, maybe I'll get some of this 'seniority stuff' one day when I'm a grown, serious adult that's been a part of the working world for a million years. The fact that I usually work part-time doesn't really help, convincing me that the time I do put in doesn't actually count.

I don't know. I feel like I'm rambling on about nothing, as I tend to do. I guess this whole seniority thing just feels foreign.

But yeah. Here's to six years.
-Cril

Celldweller - Through the Gates