So I slept about, oh, 1.5, maybe even 2 hours last night. Nevertheless, I got up and went about the morning duties while I felt the blood drain from my face, disappearing to wherever the energy I didn't have was hiding. Then I got me to campus, put on my best impression of Someone Who Is Conscious, and got on with the day. I dunno how, but I survived. I'm about to go crawl into bed, though. But first I had an interesting idea float into my sleep-deprived, deflated brain.
Right after I graduated, I spent about... 4 years doing very little with my life. Sure, I was working full time and I did two semesters of general studies, but I was mostly a zombie for the entire experience. I spent a lot of time alone in the basement playing video games. I only need one hand to count the amount of times I went out with friends. I need about half a hand to count said friends. So I worked and gamed. The only thing of substance that comes to mind is that I started drawing regularly every day and that I managed to save 90% of the money I earned.
So I look back at the little zombie I was... And I wonder to myself what those years meant. I want to write it off and say that, as a whole, I did very little that was worth-while over that period. Four years is a long time to spend every evening playing whatever it was that captivated me before going to bed, working the next day, and then repeating the whole process over. There's not a lot of substance there. Fun and distraction, sure... But not a whole lot of livin' goin' on.
But, at the same time... I started drawing regularly every day and I managed to save 90% of the money I earned. Without those two things there's not a doubt in my mind that I would've got myself into art school to pursue a Bachelor's degree in graphic design (that experience and its impact is in and of itself way too big for this post). So if those years of idleness set the foundation for where I am now, doing something worthwhile, does that mean it was a waste? I took advantage of that time to work and save and learn to draw (which I think is one of the most impactful decisions on my life I ever made, and if you're reading this Frank, I credit you for it). These things really opened a lot of possibilities. So it was all worth it, right?
Well... I'm still not sure. Because I look back and there are SO MANY things I wish I would've done with myself. I wish I would've learned a new musical instrument, or traveled, or got a car I'd learn how to repair, or met people, or saw movies, or ate out, or find a girl to like, or worked out, or gone on road trips, or gone to concerts, or ______. There's so much that was left undone that, longs story short, I've now learned to realize that I'm missing out on the hard way.
So what if I just narrow it down to the money thing in particular? If I would've done those things, I wouldn't have had nearly as much savings, if any at all. But it all would've gone to something worthwhile, no? There are always loans for school. I could've used all that to go places and do things.
Bleh, I don't know. There are a whole lot of 'if' questions that come with this particular avenue of pondering. I almost want to stop and define what exactly I mean when I say "worthwhile". The past is past, and there's no use bleeding over it, I guess. The only thing to do is to learn something from it and keep it with you while pressing forward.
I'm feeling oddly introspective and philosofikle at the moment, and I could just keep on going and going. So many thoughts in this jumbled, slushy head o' mine. I need to sleep.
I think my main point, though, is that I still gots lots of livin' to do yet.
-Cril
David Holmes - Don't Die Just Yet
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