Busted Valve

So near the end of the semester, there's usually this all-encompassing sense of dread and anxiety, as I stress about... Everything. And I'm currently saddled with said feeling right about now. I swear, I'm going to have a stroke if I have to go for the next two months like this. There is an unbelievable amount of work. I just need to keep telling me that I need to throttle back and simplify my projects. They won't be done anywhere near how I'd like them to be, and my portfolio will be crap once I graduate, but I'll have the time I need after that I fix it all up.

Anyways. I was in the studio all day today (...and yesterday) and sat and talked with a friend and another close classmate. We were discussing various topics, and I made the observation that someone once said something along the lines of "we are the average of the five people we spend the most amount of time around." And then the other two stopped, and tried to pinned down who their closest five people were. I tried to do the same, but came up short. I got about as far as two or three before I ran out. There are other people in my life, sure, but I don't spend a particularly significant amount of time around them. And what happens if that means 60% of your average self is based on no one? That's reflected in how you think/act, methinks. I get the sense that not spending time around anyone means that... You spend more time alone. And your "average you" skews towards introverted/antisocial/shy. Maybe. Just a thought, but the idea intuitively seems to have merit.

Another thing that came up in our conversation was what our personal release valve is. The classmate said for her it was martial arts, which she hadn't done in a long time. My friend said alcohol (in a sad but true tone) and spending time with friends. My release valve, after a moment of pondering... Is/was driving.

The last month and a half and a bit has been really hard on me in that regard. I miss my car. I miss driving. I find myself staring in fascination at every Integra that floats by, and holding my breath and looking away whenever the bus travels by where the accident took place. I was to feel the vibration of the engine through the shifter, and the roads bumps and nuances through the steering wheel. And I desperately, hopelessly want to be able to plug in my music and just go.

But I can't. I need to get this insurance thing figured out, which is difficult considering how NO ONE WILL RETURN MY PHONE CALLS. And I'm getting worried that it's going to be too late to do anything, considering how much time has passed. But the plan this week is to leave a message every day, and if that doesn't work, I'm going to go down to the insurance office and camp out until someone, anyone talks to me.

Sigh. The worst part is that dealing with this stuff... Brings up all the emotional crap tied to the accident.

I miss driving. I miss driving a lot. I want my release valve back.
-Cril

Wading through the waste stormy winter
And there's not a friend to help you through
Trying to stop the waves behind your eyeballs
Drop your reds drop your greens and blues

Thank you for your wine, California
Thank you for your sweet and bitter fruits
Yes, Ive got the desert in my toenail
And hid the speed inside my shoe

But come on come on down sweet Virginia
Come on honey child I beg of you

Come on come on down you got it in you
Got to scrape that shit right off your shoes

Rolling Stones - Sweet Virginia